Monthly Archives: June 2014

by | June 16, 2014 · 7:00 am

Man admits ‘I haven’t got a clue what the World Cup’s about’

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“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”

Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.

In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading →

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by | June 15, 2014 · 2:00 pm

‘People who sleep have higher mortality rate’ research finds

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Researchers from Dunstable University have released the findings of a study that shows people who regularly sleep at some point during a 24 hour period have a high rate of mortality, with the chances of dying at some point as high as a 100%.

The government backed study, which lasted 20 years and cost £50m, followed a sample group of 5000 people. 3500 people died during the study and 100% of them regularly had some sleep over the course of a day. However Prof Edwards who led the study said for the survivors the future doesn’t look bright.

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by | · 10:00 am

Obama says US ships in Persian Gulf ‘not war starting, dolphin watching’

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USS George H.W Bush. America has ten of these things. Bit greedy, no?

President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.

“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:34 am

Villagers fear being sent to the Hague after Blair says ‘we’ aren’t to blame for Iraq crisis

tony-blair

It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.

There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading →

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by | June 14, 2014 · 4:18 pm

George Osborne missing after Thames dive dare

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Accurate representation of how worried the nation is about the missing Chancellor

Police launches are searching the Westminster stretch of the Thames for George Osborne who dived into the water while fooling around with House of Commons pals. Continue reading →

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by | · 10:00 am

Hague sad as giving Angelina Jolie a damehood gets him no closer to her pants

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Together at last. Wonder if Jennifer Aniston is jealous?

Though his government have given her an honourary damehood William Hague is no closer to sleeping with Angelina Jolie.

“I don’t want to,” said the Foreign Secretary. “I totally respect her as woman and a human rights advocate and all that. Is she pretty? Can’t say I’ve noticed.”

“Ms Jolie is being rewarded for her campaigning for women’s rights,” Hague said. “I find it offensive that anyone would think that’s not true and that the real reasons are because she’s gorgeous, and a terribly unpopular government is seeking to sprinkle itself with stardust. That’s nonsense. We’re politicians, not bronies.”

Hague was last seen on his fourteenth pint of lager telling strangers he couldn’t see what all the fuss over Brad Pitt was about because women prefer shiny foreheads and warmongering to good looks.

 

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by | June 13, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Horror as expert says Princess Kate may be descended from baboons

The baboon is on the left.

The baboon is on the left.

A genealogist researching the ancestry of the Princess of Cambridge has made the shock discovery that Her Royal Highness is descended from an ape.

“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Lotus vows to complete Le Mans 24 hour race in under 8 minutes

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A test driver relaxes after a job well done.

Car manufacturer Lotus has pledged to return to Le Mans next year, and shatter the 24 hour barrier.

Using a combination of high octane fuel, boozed-up drivers and second-hand remoulds, chief engineer Bertrand Collins is confident of finishing the event almost before it starts.

“Lotus has a proud history of owners attempting to drive all the way to Le Mans, only to break down in huge numbers right across France”, said Collins.

“So they’re there in spirit, or perhaps in a hired Renault Twingo. That’s the sort of determination and blind optimism we’re hoping to tap into.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Panic as Tony Blair offers to bring peace to Iraq

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Will he ever go away? No, he will never go away

There was panic across the globe last night when Tony Blair slithered out from under his rock and demanded the chance to bring peace to Iraq.

“People say I did a bad job last time,” Blair said, “but that’s not true. What with the speaking engagements, consultancies and peace envoy duties I’ve gotten off the back of it I’ve made myself very rich indeed. Job well done say I.” Continue reading →

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by | June 12, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Amazonians agree to move allotments from England World Cup game pitch

"Just a few finishing touches needed"

“Just a few finishing touches needed”

Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.

With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:56 am

Harry Potter books suddenly on GCSE syllabus

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Gove smiling as he holds his wand.

Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.

As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.

“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Global Exclusive: football tournament starts today in Brazil

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The English team is young but keen.

Unmentioned in the media a little known football tournament called the FIFA World Cup 2014 starts today in Sao Paulo. The contest, which lasts a month, will end with the winning team being given a Cadbury’s Creme Egg each and the opportunity to go on to reap lucrative commercial sponsorship deals worth in excess of £100.

England won the World Cup in 1966 however that achievement is now all but forgotten with that year being associated in most people’s minds with the birth of David Cameron.

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by | June 11, 2014 · 1:34 pm

JK Rowling suggests wrapping Britain in a ‘more adult cover’ to broaden appeal

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Harry Potter author and marketing expert JK Rowling has said she intends to help the ‘Better Together’ campaign appeal to a broader range of people by wrapping it in a more adult wrapper.

“The trouble with the Yes campaign is they are looking at Britain as having an immature, childish and petty veneer,” Rowling explained.

“But if we wrap it a sleeker, more adult looking cover they may just get it.

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by | · 11:00 am

Passportless British family claim asylum in Disneyland

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Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.

A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.

With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.

“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”
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by | · 7:00 am

‘I gave Met Police water cannons to help people keep cool over summer’ says Boris Johnson

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Mmmm, refreshing.

Boris Johnson has denied despotism and claimed that the water cannons bought for London are “lovely”.

“They are not, as some people are saying, a sure sign that we Tories fear riots because we’ve screwed the country rigid,” he told journalists outside City Hall. “These cannons are simply a new way for Londoners to keep cool in the heat over the next few months.”

“As Mayor of London I take the health of the people very seriously,” Johnson said. “That’s why the Metropolitan Police now have three water cannons and will be deploying them at moment’s notice if they come across any mobs that look a bit dehydrated.”

“If the mob also look run-down then then I’m hoping Fat Dave’ll sign off on the Met being able to launch a new initiative to help them to get moving in an invigorating healthy manner. But so far he doesn’t seem as keen as I am on rubber bullets.”

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by | June 10, 2014 · 11:00 am

Japan whale scientists still struggling with difficult ‘fried or boiled’ experiments

Japan's Prime Minister - don't try this at home!

Japan’s Prime Minister – don’t try this at home!

Japan’s marine scientists are preparing to launch a major expedition to capture vast numbers of Pacific whales, in yet another attempt to answer the thorny question of whether Earth’s greatest mammal is better fried or boiled.

Environmentalists have long questioned why Japan needs to catch so many hundreds of whales purely for ‘scientific research’, and why nearly all of the captured whales happen to end up on the nation’s dinner tables. What is not widely understood in the West, however, is the significance of the “fried versus boiled” debate to Japanese science, and its greater importance to scientists’ understanding of the wonders of the natural world’s most magnificent creatures, and how best to eat them. Continue reading →

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by | · 9:00 am

Gove vows “I’ll find out if someone is responsible for education”

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Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?

Michael Gove has blamed school governors, local authorities, the Education Funding Agency, Gerald, a lobster from Padstow, Ofsted and teachers for the ‘Trojan Horse’ scandal in Birmingham schools.

The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.

“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.

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by | · 7:00 am

Ed Miliband ‘will win back voters’ by using more Blair hand gestures

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Miliband hopes to be loved by the nation as much as Blair is.

Ed Miliband has pledged to win back support from disaffected voters by adopting more of Tony Blair’s trademark hand gestures.

With the backs of his hands pushed out in front of him making a sort of odd scooping gesture, advisors insisted Miliband looked more statesman-like, more believable and more sincere.

“This one is called the ‘honesty gates'”, said Miliband, “I’m pushing them in your face. Can you feel yourself warming to me? The focus groups predicted that you would.”

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by | June 9, 2014 · 11:00 am

Cameron nanny nude photo scandal – widespread panic pics of Fat Dave will follow

Dear God please keep those shorts on

Dear God please keep those shorts on

After nude pictures of David Cameron’s nanny were uploaded to a porn site, fears are growing naked photos of the PM will soon follow. Amid widespread panic, people are taking drastic steps to protect themselves with many gouging their own eyes out rather than risk seeing Fat Dave in the buff.
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by | · 10:30 am

13 year-old convinces class mates he’s a real computer

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Unusually for a super computer, AD-1 runs on biscuits and crisps.

A 13 year-old from Harold has passed the Turing Test, convincing a number of his ‘friends’ that he’s really a computer.

Adrian Evans, or AD-1 has he prefers to be known, has worked tirelessly to adopt traits that only a computer would exhibit.

“BZZT”, said Evans. “IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT…BZZT…CAN GIVE YOU AWAY”. Before adding, “THIS WOMAN’S SKIN LOOKS 10 YEARS YOUNGER, DOCTORS HATE HER.”

Evans’ attention to detail is truly astounding. He refuses to speak to anyone in areas that don’t have a wifi signal, and always leaves a small printed circuit board in the bowl after using the toilet.
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