Tag Archives: Twitter

Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

trump hat

Night, or hat too big, Donald?

After taking credit for a new car factory which had been planned for years, Donald Trump has also insisted that a strongly-worded midnight tweet complaining about the dark was responsible for the sun coming up this morning.

The tweet, which was sent last night, read “World all dark now! Terrible!”

Mere hours after this, the sun rose again, making Trump’s supporters jubilant.

“Not even President yet, and he’s already brought forth a giant glowing ball in the East!” said one, adding “He’s done more to end night-time than Obama did in eight years!”

Cynics pointing out that the sun was likely to come up anyway have been met with derision and called “typical liberal intellectuals” or “Hollywood elite”.

The onset of dusk this evening did little to dampen Trump’s sense of achievement. Taking to Twitter again, he explained the likely cause of the sudden darkness, saying: “Getting dark again – all Obama’s fault! So sad!”

 

Comments Off on Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

Filed under Politics, science, Social media

Some celebrity relationship bullshit going on with Taylor Swift

Dating Taylor Swift? We're not really sure

Dating Taylor Swift? We’re not really sure

There is some kind of celebrity relationship bullshit happening, involving Taylor Swift and a man, or possibly two men, who are also celebrities, and apparently this is headline news.

Swift, who sells music, tweets about stuff and sues people, has recently broken up with one of the men and is now dating the other one, who does not play football for Hull City despite having a very similar name to somebody who does. Continue reading

Comments Off on Some celebrity relationship bullshit going on with Taylor Swift

Filed under News

‘Mealy mouthed’ Brussels tweet guy to be beheaded

twat

Matthew Doyle (artist’s impression)

The government and Buckingham Palace have announced that in what is believed to be an historical first, capital punishment will be reinstated for a single day, solely so that the monumental tosser who boasted of “Confronting” a Muslim woman about Brussels can be beheaded, or perhaps face a firing squad.

Matthew Doyle, an illiterate partner at a south London-based talent and PR agency, tweeted yesterday: “I confronted a Muslim women [sic] yesterday in croydon. I asked her to explain Brussels. She said “Nothing to do with me” a mealy mouthed reply.”

In a statement read out in parliament, Queen Elizabeth explained the reasons for this unprecedented move.

“Frankly, he’s an arsehole,” explained Her Majesty. “We mean, there are lots of arseholes out there, but this guy is just the most stupid, 500 carat gold-plated arsehole one has ever met.”

“Can I get a rifle too?”

Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Mealy mouthed’ Brussels tweet guy to be beheaded

Filed under idiots, News, Social media

Twitter quits Stephen Fry

stephen fry twitter

“Where’s it gone?”

Following recent controversies, tech giant Twitter has announced it is leaving Stephen Fry with immediate effect.

This is not the first time that Twitter has left Fry, but media observers believe this time may be no idle threat.

“Stephen Fry used be exciting,” said a spokeperson for the company. “But lately he’s just not fun any more. Too full of abuse and bad jokes.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Twitter quits Stephen Fry

Filed under Showbusiness, Social media

Kanye West deadly serious

He's not joking

He’s not joking

Rap star Kanye West actually believes the things he says and is not on a massive wind up, according to sources close to the bell-end.

The part-time Hip Hop artist, part-time fashion designer, full-time egotist has been lamenting the fact that he simply does not have enough money to change the world in all the ways that he could, and apparently he’s serious. Continue reading

Comments Off on Kanye West deadly serious

Filed under Entertainment, News

Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

bob-rapper

B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

Comments Off on Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

Comments Off on Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology

40 minute Facebook outage leaves society on brink of total collapse

This would make a great selfie

Scenes during the FB outage would have made a great selfie

A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading

Comments Off on 40 minute Facebook outage leaves society on brink of total collapse

Filed under News

Twitter launches convenient ‘death threat’ button

twitter death threat

Another innovation inspired by Katie Hopkins.

Twitter has announced a new button for its suite of apps, that makes it easier for people to troll celebrities and the vulnerable.

The ‘death threat’ button works in a similar way to the ‘like’ button on Facebook, seen by many as a ‘killer feature’.

“Social media is a very important way of judging your popularity”, said Ken Swansong of Twitter. “But what if you read a tweet you disagree with, and then find it was written by a woman?”

“With this ‘fix’ there’s no need to strain your limited mental capacity by stringing a half-sentence of bile-filled anger together. Just click the skull and crossbones, and let the world know what sort of man you are.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Twitter launches convenient ‘death threat’ button

Filed under Social media, Society

App Review: Periscope allows friends to now share their tedious shit LIVE

image Twitter’s new live streaming app, Periscope, has revolutionised the way dull friends can share their tedious shit by giving you, their ever-grateful friend, a chance to see it live.

Once upon a time, friends sharing pictures of their every meal was the staple diet of social media. Periscope takes that to the next level giving you the chance to watch them cook it, and eat it, all in real time leaving you to realise that turning down every invitation to a dinner party they were having was pointless.

And for those of you that think other people’s kids are, on the whole, snotty little infection spreading devil creatures, you’ll be glad that now you don’t have to flick through the 30,000 pictures of little Tommy on the swing to create the illusion of him moving, you can watch him do it live, hoping to God he falls out at least giving you something to laugh at.

To the delight of the NSA and GCHQ, Periscope is not only for your friends to show you in real time that their cat is “soooooooo cute” because the furry rugby ball can lick its own arse while purring like every other cat. You can also use it to spy on people from all over the world, with their consent.

This has led to endless mind-numbing live streams of news anchors and reporters using Periscope to show them reading the news. This is a truly amazing and eye-opening revelation for anyone unable to get to grips with the complex operation of turning on the TV.

Periscope has also become the new home on the Internet for perverts who think that a woman pointing a camera at themselves is an automatic invitation for requests to ‘show your tits’, with many of the perverts unable to even stretch their vocabulary to the full sentence of the request opting instead for just one word, ‘boobs’.

So all in all, everyone live streaming every detail of their mundane lives is frankly a novelty that we hope will wear off soon or hopefully evolve quicker than many of the knuckle draggers that fill up some of the comments.

Now we must shoot off and watch more of this highly addictive rubbish so we can sneer at it a bit more. We might even live stream a bit ourselves. Have you seen what our office blame monkey Cleggsy McCoy looks like on the toilet?

Comments Off on App Review: Periscope allows friends to now share their tedious shit LIVE

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Technology

Rupert Murdoch ‘must be held responsible’ for Rupert Murdoch world says.

imageFollowing his tweet suggesting all Muslims must be held responsible for jihadists, the world has responded saying Rupert Murdoch should be held responsible for Rupert Murdoch.

“An ancient ideology, with extremist views that are not comparable with a modern progressive society”, is how one commentator described Mr Murdoch.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Rupert Murdoch ‘must be held responsible’ for Rupert Murdoch world says.

Filed under News, Politics

Channel 5 admit Celebrity Big Brother ‘just a hoax’ to get Katie Hopkins off Twitter for 2 weeks

Hopkins listens intently for the sound of her own voice as she speaks out of her ar*e

Hopkins listens intently for the sound of her own voice as she speaks out of her ar*e

Channel 5 have admitted that this year’s Celebrity Big Brother is just a hoax to get Katie Hopkins out of the public eye for 2 weeks.

“We have no intention of televising this year’s programme,” a channel 5 spokesman said, “w Continue reading

Comments Off on Channel 5 admit Celebrity Big Brother ‘just a hoax’ to get Katie Hopkins off Twitter for 2 weeks

Filed under Culture

So why is he such an egg faced ****? PM’s refusal to answer tweet causes unrest

cameron-david-happ_1762769c

Anyone got any ideas?

David Cameron’s lack of response to a tweet sent to him by Rachel Johnson, sister of golden retriever with a head injury and Mayor of London Boris Johnson, has caused widespread unrest in Harold. Instead of going about their usual morning routines residents are monumentally distracted as they ponder the question Why are you such an egg faced **** finding themselves unable to move on.

Continue reading

Comments Off on So why is he such an egg faced ****? PM’s refusal to answer tweet causes unrest

Filed under Politics

Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP

David-Cameron-Matthew-Hancock

Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful

There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)

Comments Off on Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP

Filed under Politics

White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

fevver

News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

Filed under Around Harold, Social media, War

World peace brought about by hashtag

CaptureAfter #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading

Comments Off on World peace brought about by hashtag

Filed under News

Bill Roache not guilty : ‘Trial by Twitter’ credibility now in doubt

20140206-121948.jpg

After yesterday’s announcement by Twitter it had made a loss of $645M, the micro-blogging site’s share price and ‘trial by twitter’ credibility took another hit today when Coronation Street actor Bill Roache was found not guilty of historical sexual assault charges.

“It turns out that sometimes our policy of users finding someone guilty without any facts isn’t as full proof as we thought,” Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo told us.

“Normally, with the likes of Sally Bercow on our Jury of millions, we can call someone guilty before they have even been arrested, replacing the traditional ‘innocent until proven guilty’ judicial system with a ‘throw enough shit and it might stick’ technique.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Bill Roache not guilty : ‘Trial by Twitter’ credibility now in doubt

Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, Law and Order, News

Did someone say schadenfreude?

roflbot

Comments Off on Did someone say schadenfreude?

by | December 21, 2013 · 10:39 am

Terrified family pleads with Twitter users: ‘please don’t return evil bear’

evilbear

Polce have warned the public not to approach the bear, which is believed to be manky.

Police are urging Twitter users to to ignore a picture of a ‘lost’ bear, claiming that the evil animal is plotting revenge on its previous owners.

Known only as ‘Bear X’, the synthetic creature kidnapped a woman with quite tidy writing, and forced her to produce a letter to help him track the terrified family down.

Speaking from Dunstable hospital where she is being treated for shock, the woman assured a press conference that the bear was ‘absolute scum’.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Terrified family pleads with Twitter users: ‘please don’t return evil bear’

Filed under Around Harold, Lost and Found, News

Despite mistake EDL leader still outing critics; gives name and address of PM

20131008-092635.jpg

After revealing the name and address of a completely innocent man on twitter, EDL leader, Tommy Robinson has taken to the social media site once again to show he is not as thick as the episode made him look.

Robinson was attempting to publish the name and address of the editor of EDL News, an anti-EDL protest group, but instead revealed the details of a man who doesn’t even share the same name.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Despite mistake EDL leader still outing critics; gives name and address of PM

Filed under News, Politics, Religion, Uncategorized