‘Mealy mouthed’ Brussels tweet guy to be beheaded


Matthew Doyle (artist’s impression)

The government and Buckingham Palace have announced that in what is believed to be an historical first, capital punishment will be reinstated for a single day, solely so that the monumental tosser who boasted of “Confronting” a Muslim woman about Brussels can be beheaded, or perhaps face a firing squad.

Matthew Doyle, an illiterate partner at a south London-based talent and PR agency, tweeted yesterday: “I confronted a Muslim women [sic] yesterday in croydon. I asked her to explain Brussels. She said “Nothing to do with me” a mealy mouthed reply.”

In a statement read out in parliament, Queen Elizabeth explained the reasons for this unprecedented move.

“Frankly, he’s an arsehole,” explained Her Majesty. “We mean, there are lots of arseholes out there, but this guy is just the most stupid, 500 carat gold-plated arsehole one has ever met.”

“Can I get a rifle too?”

A spokesperson for Amnesty International, who have been campaigning tirelessly for many years for the worldwide abolition of the death penalty, was quick to denounce the move to shoot the hapless Doyle.

“We at Amnesty believe in the fundamental right of the human to life. Capital punishment is never justified, or we become no better than the accused.”

“Having said that, this guy really is an arsehole. Shooting’s too quick for him. Back at Amnesty HQ we’ve got a crocodile tank. We don’t use it often, but it’s there if needed, if you see what we’re saying.”

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