Tag Archives: immigration

May’s plan for a fairer (skinned) Britain

The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?

The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”

“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading

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Nigel Farage suggests giant moat around Britain to thwart migrants

An artist's impression of the UKIP moat

An artist’s impression of the UKIP moat

UKIP leader Nigel Farage today suggested the building of a giant moat around Britain to stop migrants entering the UK.

“If we make the moat at least 20 miles wide and pretty deep, and throw in a few sharks and pollutants in the water for good measure, I think you’ll find the migrant problem is solved” beamed Farage.

Farage said the moat needed to be all the way round Britain to thwart those trying to enter from Ireland and Norway, as well as from France. Farage noted it probably wasn’t necessary to have a moat between England and Scotland, but if the Scots continued being uppity, he’d consider a wall.
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Australia officially takes over as global village idiots

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This quokka’s only smiling because it doesn’t know how dumb it is

Australia has officially taken over from the USA as global village idiots following a recent flurry of good ideas from Washington on things like healthcare, gay marriage and extremism. As he received the golden sheep’s bladder on a stick from Barack Obama during a ceremony in Canberra earlier today, Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that he is delighted by his country’s rise. Continue reading

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Farage ‘rethinks immigration policy’ after door slammed in face

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Farage downs another policy.

Until now, UKIP campaigners have welcomed the slamming of doors in their faces as a strong signal in favour of their policy of slamming doors in people’s faces.

“It’s been seen as symbolic support,” say political analysts “of UKIP’s policy of shutting people out.”

But now, a fresh interpretation of the door-slamming gesture has been put forward which undermines UKIP’s positive spin.
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Net immigration up as people move to the UK hoping to see latest tourist attraction, Nigel Farage

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Figures released today show net immigration has risen as tens of thousands of foreigners come to the to visit the country’s newest tourist attraction, UKIP and Nigel Farage.

Historically the UK has been an attractive prospect for those wishing to move around the globe because of its history, culture and life prospects.

But a recent survey shows modern day immigrants come to our shores in the hope they may meet an actual Ukipper, or even Nigel Farage himself, leaving his party in a ironic black hole that has baffled even the brightest of scientists.

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“The jobless spread ebola”: IDS uses speech to make bold claims

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?

In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading

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Toxic pollution warning ahead of tonight’s debate

man in fog

Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there

Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.

“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading

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Romanian TV’s ‘Escape to the Country’ participants always choose England

escapeThere was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.

The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.

In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Foreign-born cleaner resigns after discovering employer is a Tory

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In hindsight, the daily cleaning of graffiti on the house should have been a clue

In the light of immigration minister Mark Harper resigning his position after it emerged he employed a cleaner who did not have permission to work in the UK, a separate incident has seen a foreign-born cleaner leaving their post after it emerged their employer was a Tory.

The cleaner has apologised for not carrying out reasonable checks on the person whose house they clean and said that although they had been a British citizen for the last 13 years, being from another country means they should have checked their employer was not, in fact, a Tory.

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Global warming is forcing polar bears to drive buses in Scotland

Polar Bear bus driverDriven by the threat of the melting Arctic ice cap, beleaguered polar bears are being forced to abandon their natural habitat and adapt to new environments.

Many of the highly intelligent creatures have migrated to North America where, after a quick makeover, they are integrating into the native Brown and Grizzly Bear population. Others, as they head south, are finding themselves on the shores of Scotland where they are quickly settling into local communities.

The bears seem to have been able to slip into the country with little difficulty. “Poles, polar bears, and Romanians. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned,” said one immigration official. “If they’re white, hairy and speak unintelligibly, they have to be allowed in.” Continue reading

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Daily Mail ‘outraged’ as one week on, no Romanians yet

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What, NONE? Not ONE?

One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.

With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading

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‘Half convicted pickpockets are Romainian’. Modern day Artful Dodger suggests better training

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Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.

“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.

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David Cameron comes out as Bulgarian

David Cameron rearing sheep

In happier days, rearing sheep on the farm

In a move certain to shock the world of UK politics, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken advantage of the newly-relaxed EU work laws to announce that he is actually a Bulgarian immigrant named Binka Zhelyazkova. Cabinet insiders had long suspected that Cameron was of Eastern European extraction, but few realised that his privileged English background was totally faked and his family are in fact peasant otter farmers from the remote Targovishte Province.

‘Obviously until the law changed I couldn’t really admit to being a Bulgarian,’ the Prime Minister explained to journalists this morning. ‘It was very difficult to keep up the facade, the ‘фасада’ as we say in my country. Hopefully I can put this behind me now. And it’ll be a relief not to have to hide the otters.’ Continue reading

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The ten things every Romanian coming to Britain needs to know

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The Home Secretary and the Prime Minister: run from them as you would the wolf.

Bună ziua şi Bine Aţi Venit la Marea Britanie!

Hello and welcome to Britain our new Romanian friends! If certain tabloids are to be believed then fully one hundred percent of you moved in shortly after midnight.  To help smooth your transition from your old country to your new we have put together this handy list of the top ten things you need to know. Print it out, carry it with you at all times and consult it often.

Good luck and nu vă lăsaţi-i pe nenorociţi vă macină în jos. Continue reading

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Failed Immigration vans to be sold to popular Spanish resort.

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With the Home Office deciding not to continue using the immigration ‘go home’ vans, some Spanish resorts have shown an interest in purchasing them.

“A van with the basic message of ‘go home foreigner’ will do well here” the Mayor of Magaluf said.
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Residents taught to ‘spot an illegal’ as part of operation ‘you talk funny’

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The village of Harold is to have all its residents trained to spot illegal immigrants in a trial to work alongside government plans to get banks, landlords and milkmen to check the status of all their customers.

Minister of State for Immigration, Mark Harper MP said: “It is good to see people taking the initiative and fighting the problem of foreigners without relying on proper border controls.
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