Tag Archives: Farage

When we said an extra £350 million a day for the NHS, we actually meant ‘f*ck you’, clarifies Farage

farage

And you, and you, and you…

Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.

“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”

“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”

“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”

“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”

“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”

“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”

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Filed under EU referendum

Cameron fights back with Brstayin campaign.

Briton in europe

Artist’s impression of Britton in Europe

Following his latest political kick in the nuts from Michael Howard earlier today, David Cameron has attempted to counter Brexit’s growing momentum by launching the Brstayin campaign.

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Filed under Badgers, Europe, Independence referendum, News, Politics

Miliband still waiting for Labour to reject his resignation

We Might As Well Be Strangers

We Might As Well Be Strangers

Aides close to Ed Miliband have depicted him as a broken man desperately believing that his beloved Party will call him and reject his resignation as Leader following last week’s General Election.

“People don’t realise the sacrifices Ed has gone through for the cause,” said close confidant, Cath Drucker.

“The poor man is still combing nits out of his hair after that interview with Russell Brand, Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, News

UK meets EU recycling target thanks to UKIP leaflets

ukip leaflet

Farage hopes to see more rotten leaflets.

Irony has given Nigel Farage another kick in the goolies this week with news that the UK has met the target dictated by Brussels for recycling as much rubbish as possible, thanks mainly to millions of anti-European UKIP leaflets going straight in the bin.

European Environment Commissioner Karmenu Vella travelled by EuroStar to Thanet, where he caught up with Nigel Farage who was there on election campaign business.

“I have come to thank you personally, Monsieur Fromage (sic),” the Commissioner told him, “for your generous contribution of paper-based rubbish which tipped the balance and made the UK do as it’s told for once.”

The Commissioner then pinned a badge on Farage’s coat, depicting the EU emblem with the words “I did my bit for Europe” underneath. A modest Farage blushed excessively on receiving the award and, mouth agape, was lost for words, while two of his heavies accidentally both punched the Commissioner believing him to be a common assailant m’lud.
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Farage ‘rethinks immigration policy’ after door slammed in face

pub_landlord_farage

Farage downs another policy.

Until now, UKIP campaigners have welcomed the slamming of doors in their faces as a strong signal in favour of their policy of slamming doors in people’s faces.

“It’s been seen as symbolic support,” say political analysts “of UKIP’s policy of shutting people out.”

But now, a fresh interpretation of the door-slamming gesture has been put forward which undermines UKIP’s positive spin.
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Filed under Election 2015

Farage shows his charitable side by growing Hitler Movember moustache

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from 'On the Buses'?

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?

With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.

Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.

In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”

Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading

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Clacton now has two Ukip candidates not to vote for

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With Douglas Carswell defecting to Ukip and forcing a by-election, but Ukip’s current candidate Roger Lord refusing to step aside, the electorate in Clacton have been left in enviable position of having two Ukip candidates not to vote for.

“This is a Tory safe seat,” one voter told us, “and I can’t see that changing, it’s just now we have two Ukip candidate to laugh at then ignore on the ballot paper.”
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Farage anger at pregnant ‘benefit tourist’, Tian Tian

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Ukip leader Nigel Farage has launched a scathing attack on Edinburgh Zoo’s possibly pregnant panda bear, Tian Tian, accusing her of getting pregnant just to stay in the UK.

“We are a soft touch,” Farage told supporters. “These bloody foreign pandas come over here, are housed and fed for free and now she is pregnant she will no doubt move out of the zoo, into a council house and receive every benefit going.”
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Chaos as Queen inadvertently reads UKIP speech handed to her by Prince Philip

Let them eat fruitcake

Let them eat fruitcake

There was uproar at Westminster this morning after the Queen read out a list of half-baked UKIP policies instead of the expected zombie speech from the Coalition Government.

There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.

By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading

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UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

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Main reason for voting UKIP would be to piss off Cameron, Miliband and Clegg

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.

“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”

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Farage denies having a stooge during EU debate: “that was Clegg”

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Nigel Farage has been accused of cheating following the LBC EU debate this evening. The Ukip leader has been forced to deny having a stooge in the debate and said the person accused of being placed in the room to make him look good was actually Nick Clegg.

The debate over the UK’s membership of Europe was the first of two, with the second happening next week, and was designed to be between two leaders on the pros and cons of membership.

But David Cameron and Ed Miliband both declined the opportunity so Farage and Clegg took part instead.

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Clegg and Farage square up for ‘The Rumble in the Colon’

aliforeman2

Political lightweights battle for third place.

Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.

Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.

Setting the scene:

In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.

Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.

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Cameron admits: ‘I would vote UKIP’

Cameron in love

Cameron ‘would be happy’ to share Number 10 with Farage.

With just days to go until a TV debate between Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that he ‘would be happy to vote UKIP’.

“UKIP’s beliefs are remarkably similar to those of the traditional tory voter”, explained Cameron. “But they focus on the beliefs we wouldn’t dare admit to.”

Anti-Europe, anti-immigration and anti-foreign aid, UKIP ‘is like catnip’ to many members of Cameron’s cabinet. “Obviously, in public we have to denounce all of UKIP’s awful, bigoted policies”, said William Hague. “But that doesn’t mean that in private, we can’t try and vote them in.”
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Romanian TV’s ‘Escape to the Country’ participants always choose England

escapeThere was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.

The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.

In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’

rain

Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.

An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.

Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.

“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”

Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, environment, Pagans

NEWS UPDATE: Boris Johnson’s hair defects to UKIP

Ooh, that's tickly, but nice!

Ooh, that’s tickly, but nice!

Please share the news if you like it! Thanks.

After this morning’s shock revelation that Boris Johnson and his hair have separated, journalists from the Evening Harold can now announce the sensational news that the flyaway thatch has defected to UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage is seen here looking understandably delighted in front of an industrial hair dryer.

More news as we get it…

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Filed under Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election

clown

Koko – the UKIP Candidate

Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.

Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.

Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading

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