The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away
Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.
In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.
“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading
After what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.
“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.
Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.
One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.
Kim Jong Un has been the first international leader to congratulate Nicola Sturgeon on her party’s success in Scotland in the General Election.
Following the type of victory in one country normally reserved for dictatorships, Mr Kim has said he was impressed at the lack of purging of political opponents involved in her landslide.
“I can’t help but get a general who fears for his life to take my hat off to her”, the North Korean leader said.
Must. Smash. Bankers.
Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has finally been spotted in public, running in a loping gait and clutching a femur.
In a security lapse, Balls slipped into an area where the press were present, and touched a mysterious stone monolith left there by a weird alien.
“At that point, Balls made a startling transformation”, one reporter told us. “He stopped flinging his muck, and demonstrated rudimentary tool use.”
The reclusive ‘attack chimp’ first used the bone to scratch at his bottom, before stoving in the head of someone who looked a bit ‘wealthy’.
He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.
Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.
“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading
Barred from the election campaign
Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.
“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.” Continue reading
Nicola Sturgeon says the SNP will be a positive influence in a Coalition government with Labour, and she will breastfeed and toilet Ed Miliband until he is old enough to start taking care of himself.
“The Tories can scare-monger all they like but what could be more natural than Ed suckling from my left nipple while we form policy? It is certainly better than some tired old formula” said a glowing Sturgeon.
The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.
The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.
“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading
Note to self: don’t clap your own jokes.
A list of pre-prepared notes has been found in Ed Miliband’s dressing room, following the TV debates. The Evening Harold can exclusively publish them in full.
My mother-in-law is so fat, she qualifies for a free flu jab and disability allowance. Quite right too, it’s a serious condition.
A welsh woman, a scots woman and a hungarian go into a bar. They form a coalition to keep the tories out.
While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.
Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.
Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.
Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street
Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.
Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading
I’ll be off then…
Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision after studying opinion polls and talking to people.
Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.
“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading
Miliband in his “idiot” costume
Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.
Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Miliband also works evenings as a coat rack.
Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.
Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.
“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?
“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”
“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”
“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power, say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.
Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!
The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.
Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.
Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.
The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.
In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”
The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.
Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.
“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading
Ed Miliband has been sent an invoice for “not showing up” in his position as head of the Labour Party.
Mr Miliband apparently agreed to lead the party in 2010, but subsequently seems to have realised he had something else planned, at least, that’s the only way to explain his seeming invisibility.
“It’s like he just couldn’t be bothered to show up,” complained TUC General Secretary and mother of two Frances O’Grady. “We wouldn’t mind, but we paid for the charisma training.”
“I got the invoice this morning,” admitted Miliband to journalists. “They said they would take me to the small claims court if I don’t pay. I just think it’s really unfair. I’m the Leader of the Opposition, I think”
Legal experts believe it is actually unlikely that Miliband will be forced to pay the bill. The Evening Harold’s Legal correspondent insisted: “A legal contract can only be made with a fully-mature grown adult. We think that says it all.”
You really want to know? I haven’t got a clue.
A leaked Labour document which has been sent to some of the party’s MPs and activists, says they should deny all knowledge of Ed Miliband while out campaigning in the run up to the next election.It says the issue could be “unhelpful” and may risk losing votes.
The document suggests that that campaigners should use whatever diversionary tactics they can think of if anyone mentions the ‘M’ word. Continue reading