These graphs mean we know what we’re talking about
We don’t have the technical capability for fancy graphics and menus and stuff like that, so in order to explain what the new budget means for you we can’t have you clicking through options.
But we have found another way to achieve the same end result.
Think whether you are married, have children, own a business, all of those type of things that ‘proper’ news sources like the BBC would ask you. Get a really clear idea in your head of your particular circumstances, then read the below statement that will miraculously confirm exactly what the budget means for you. Continue reading
What a bunch of arseholes!
The entire population of the UK has been severely criticised after dismissing David Cameron’s government as “a bunch of arseholes”.
The remark came during Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday, when Cameron displayed an absolute lack of humanity towards refugees fleeing from a war he helped create.
Acting as one, millions of people across the country looked at each other and said: “That government, what a bunch of arseholes”, while Cameron laughed at the plight of the desperate starving thousands.
A spokesman for the government said the public’s remark was “completely unjustified and unfair,” adding that “Although there may be a large number of arseholes in the government, you cannot just lump them together and say everyone is.”
“We do not deny that David Cameron is an arsehole, but many of his colleagues are very nice. OK, Duncan Smith is an arsehole, and Osborne. And May, and Gove, and Hunt, and actually hang on, they really are all just a bunch of arseholes, aren’t they? Every single one of them!”
The general public was not expected to apologise any time soon.
Filed under News, Politics
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Thanks to an ignored Freedom of Information request and a fiver we slipped to the editor’s niece who’s a whizz with computers, we’ve somehow uncovered the rather embarrassing exchange between David Cameron and his local Councillor:
From: David Cameron, PM [email@example.com]
Sent: 10 November 2015 09:37
To: Ian Hudspeth
Cc: G-Dawg [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Subject: Saving money
Just a quick note to ask if you’ve explored all the options re: these possible ‘cuts’ to local services. Some of them would be counter-productive and actually cost money!
How about bulk-buying photocopy paper and paper clips? An old Uni chum says there’s savings there which wouldn’t affect service delivery. Maybe turn the thermostat down a degree or two?
Making cuts to vital local services won’t play well at the next local elections!
See what you can do, there’s a good chap.
“You certainly have a visually appealing mouth.”
Burt Reynolds fans have complained that a ‘Deliverance’ remake will be ‘too dark’ if it moves from the Cahulawassee River to the Thames.
“I loved the original”, said Harold’s Phil Evans. “But in the new one, the bit where the two dead pigs land their canoe on the banks of Westminster makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
“Sure, it’s an isolated community, and you’d expect them to get up to some weird stuff. But in reality, would the inbreds really go that far?”
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
Room for one thousand more on top.
David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.
Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading
“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”
Notorious skiver Ferris Bueller has spoken of his truancy regrets, now that he’s trapped in a dead-end job in Harold.
Despite a privileged upbringing and an above-average IQ, Bueller preferred to spend his schooldays ruining Italian cars and singing Liverpudlian songs in the traffic.
When his parents moved to England, Bueller’s ‘illness’ was cured by the NHS, but he continued to fake his way through the education system.
Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.
Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.
Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.
Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.
Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.
Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her. Continue reading
Not to be outdone twice in a week, Downing Street has confirmed that Prime Minister David Cameron hung up on yet another hoax caller claiming to be someone important while also claiming to be Nick Clegg.
“It was an obvious hoax, and they’ll have to do better than using the words Clegg and important in the same sentence if they want to catch me out,” a gleeful Cameron said. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
X-X rated: no-one with a Y chromosome has so far read her message.
Dowdy working gal Harriet Harman stepped out today in a frumpy grey t-shirt…but still wanted men would take notice of her.
Wearing a baggy unisex top, perhaps borrowed from her husband or hurriedly retrieved from the laundry basket, frump-bencher Harman raised fears she may have gone frigid, or given up on herself.
Fashion expert Pippa Delaney fears the politician wasn’t wearing a bra, or at least not one that made the most of her assets.
Yet while blatantly wearing a shapeless sack that forlornly displayed last season’s font, the ageing Harman still expected David Cameron to stare at her tits.
David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.
The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote on issues that affect morons meaning only viewers with an IQ under 76 will be eligible to vote contestants off his show.
“This will lead to the end of the X-Factor,” Mr Cowell said worriedly, the first time those words have not been uttered in a celebratory way.
“If we are relying on those whose IQs match the contestants, then we are setting ourselves up for a lot of phones broken as they try to dial the numbers with their fists and foreheads, and not many lucrative votes.
“We had trialled a postal voting system but that failed when those morons taking part either posted their phones or stuck their eyelids together with stamps.”
David Cameron held a meeting of top Tories to discuss bringing in the intellectually devolved X-Factor voting system in at the same time as granting Scotland greater powers, a move some believe could be dangerous.
One commentator explained: “the biggest fear is that the average Tory voter fits into the IQ limit proposed. If they can vote Cameron into Number 10 just imagine what shit they could get to Christmas Number 1.”
However, unlike the English vote for English issues idea Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he welcomed the proposals.
“I always said that even at the top of the political system I would never forget my roots,” he told delegate.
“If it wasn’t for morons voting for a moron, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
White House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.
“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
David Cameron has announced that with immediate effect he will be making Andy Coulson the Conservative’s prison advisor. Andy Coulson was advised of his new role through his lawyers voicemail.
“As with all advisory roles, I like to have someone on the inside,” Mr Cameron told reporters.
With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.
“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.
Protesters have surprised prime minister David Cameron by setting up a fracking site around his forehead.
“If he thinks it is OK for companies to frack on any area of wasteland regardless of people’s concerns, then he won’t mind us drilling the large expanse above his eyebrows” one of the protesters explained.
“As the tory peer Lord Howell said, it is fine to start drilling in ‘desolate’ areas with ‘plenty of room’. And after his loss to Ukip in the recent elections, he’ll be used to any earthquakes we cause in his cranium.”
Filed under News, Politics