Category Archives: Social media

Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

trump hat

Night, or hat too big, Donald?

After taking credit for a new car factory which had been planned for years, Donald Trump has also insisted that a strongly-worded midnight tweet complaining about the dark was responsible for the sun coming up this morning.

The tweet, which was sent last night, read “World all dark now! Terrible!”

Mere hours after this, the sun rose again, making Trump’s supporters jubilant.

“Not even President yet, and he’s already brought forth a giant glowing ball in the East!” said one, adding “He’s done more to end night-time than Obama did in eight years!”

Cynics pointing out that the sun was likely to come up anyway have been met with derision and called “typical liberal intellectuals” or “Hollywood elite”.

The onset of dusk this evening did little to dampen Trump’s sense of achievement. Taking to Twitter again, he explained the likely cause of the sudden darkness, saying: “Getting dark again – all Obama’s fault! So sad!”

 

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Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Everybody suddenly an expert on behaviour of gorillas

gorilla2

“Nah, he’ll be fine. David Attenborough didn’t have any problems.”

After a gorilla was shot dead at a zoo in Cincinnati, it has emerged that everybody on facebook is massively knowledgeable about the behaviour and body language of adult gorillas.

Zoo officials shot the gorilla to protect a four-year-old boy who had fallen into the enclosure, but social media’s ever ready population of under-informed, over-opinionated users reckon the child was in no danger, and could maybe even have been left there for the gorillas to raise as one of their own. Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News, Social media, USA

Social Justice Warrior outrages himself

Victim-blamer won't show his face

Victim-blamer won’t show his face

A man who said ‘take care’ as his elderly mum was leaving to catch the Tube home is now completely outraged at the misogynist, racist, ageist, victim-blaming overtones of his remark.

Paul Rhodes, unemployed, from London, is a passionate Social Justice Warrior, which made his gross breach of Warrior norms all the more galling.

“I’m outraged and massively disappointed at the complete monster I’ve become” wailed Mr Rhodes, who is painfully white.
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Filed under Culture, Social media

Late Tax Return fine elevates Corbyn to Total Hero status

Hero.

Just an ordinary taxpayer.

Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.

“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines.  The man is Legend.”

“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people.  No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Facebook, Labour, News, Politics, Social media

Hijacker photo man in ‘reckless’ Trump campaign team selfie

trump innes

Could explode at any moment

The man who posed for a picture with a hijacker has been criticised for his latest dangerous stunt – getting a selfie only metres away from Donald Trump’s campaign team.

The original image of Ben Innes grinning next to his captor on the Egyptair flight went viral on social media, leading Innes to seek “even more risky challenges”, he told journalists.

Innes reportedly travelled to Wisconsin, where the Republican candidates are campaigning ahead of next Tuesday’s primary, and took advantage of a lull in the vitriol to leap in front of Donald Trump’s team and take a selfie.

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Filed under Holidays, News, Social media

‘Mealy mouthed’ Brussels tweet guy to be beheaded

twat

Matthew Doyle (artist’s impression)

The government and Buckingham Palace have announced that in what is believed to be an historical first, capital punishment will be reinstated for a single day, solely so that the monumental tosser who boasted of “Confronting” a Muslim woman about Brussels can be beheaded, or perhaps face a firing squad.

Matthew Doyle, an illiterate partner at a south London-based talent and PR agency, tweeted yesterday: “I confronted a Muslim women [sic] yesterday in croydon. I asked her to explain Brussels. She said “Nothing to do with me” a mealy mouthed reply.”

In a statement read out in parliament, Queen Elizabeth explained the reasons for this unprecedented move.

“Frankly, he’s an arsehole,” explained Her Majesty. “We mean, there are lots of arseholes out there, but this guy is just the most stupid, 500 carat gold-plated arsehole one has ever met.”

“Can I get a rifle too?”

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Filed under idiots, News, Social media

Twitter quits Stephen Fry

stephen fry twitter

“Where’s it gone?”

Following recent controversies, tech giant Twitter has announced it is leaving Stephen Fry with immediate effect.

This is not the first time that Twitter has left Fry, but media observers believe this time may be no idle threat.

“Stephen Fry used be exciting,” said a spokeperson for the company. “But lately he’s just not fun any more. Too full of abuse and bad jokes.”
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Filed under Showbusiness, Social media

Jennifer Aniston to present Pot Black

It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…

Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.

“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.

Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.

“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”

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Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

bob-rapper

B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Maybe this one won’t end your marriage: defunct Friends Reunited launch Friends Reunited Reunited

Without Friends Reunited where on the web will we go to pretend to be happy? What alternative could there possibly be?

Pioneering social network Friends Reunited has closed after being deserted by millions of users who migrated to Facebook for all their creating an online persona that is a tissue of lies plus kitten videos and Minions memes needs.

Those few remaining souls addicted to Friends Reunited’s particular blend of anxiety and schadenfreude are being advised not to despair but instead sign up for Friends Reunited Reunited. A new site is dedicated to the old one’s glory days of recklessly throwing away your marriage for the chance to at long last play nug-a-nug with your fifth form crush. Continue reading

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Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology

Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app

peeple

Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith

MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.

Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.

“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.

“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith gave a short statement to reporters: “I’m fucked. But at least I’m not Katie Hopkins”

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Parliament’s favourite porn searches revealed.

David CameronFollowing a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized

Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading

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Twitter launches convenient ‘death threat’ button

twitter death threat

Another innovation inspired by Katie Hopkins.

Twitter has announced a new button for its suite of apps, that makes it easier for people to troll celebrities and the vulnerable.

The ‘death threat’ button works in a similar way to the ‘like’ button on Facebook, seen by many as a ‘killer feature’.

“Social media is a very important way of judging your popularity”, said Ken Swansong of Twitter. “But what if you read a tweet you disagree with, and then find it was written by a woman?”

“With this ‘fix’ there’s no need to strain your limited mental capacity by stringing a half-sentence of bile-filled anger together. Just click the skull and crossbones, and let the world know what sort of man you are.”
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Radical cleric thinks of something nice to say

choudary

Little ray of sunshine – Choudary takes jollity to extremes.

A radical cleric, who’s job is to think so that others don’t have to, has finally thought of something nice to say.

“I’m tweeting like a happy robin, the weather is beautiful today”, wrote extremist Anjem Choudary. “It’s the sort of day that makes you feel glad to be alive, and to contemplate allowing others to remain so.”

Little is known about the cause of Choudary’s uncharacteristic outburst, but there are rumours that he read a syrupy Facebook meme.

“If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, he told his followers. “I’m going to say one lovely thing a day for the whole of this week.”
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The 50 most irritating people of 2014: The Top 20

Top 3This is it, the top 20 of our top 50 most irritating people of 2014.

Is that a drum roll we can hear in the distance, or perhaps a fanfare in honour of our No.1?

This list has been lovingly created after weeks of irritable evaluation. Several late bids have been made, but the standard this year is very high, so the person who shook their popcorn behind me continually at the cinema last night has still only reached No.72, just above the creators of Frozen. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Royals, Social media

‘Disappointment as ‘My Times’ Facebook post ‘just full of chips’

fishnchipsinnewspaper

Much too neatly arranged for our tastes. Still fish & chips though!

Local show-off Dave Evans expressed his disappointment in an app that summarised his year as a newspaper, when it turned out to be ‘just full of chips’.

‘I’d seen other ‘My Times’ posts, with pictures of people holding new babies or bragging about a new kitchen, so I immediately thought ‘who wouldn’t like to read about me?’ said Evans.

‘But when it trawled through my life, it summarised my year as a small pile of chips. Continue reading

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Doubts cast on villager’s Facebook bike ride

pantsonfire

Liar liar, or flyer, flyer? Either way, Billy’s pants would be on fire.

A 26-stone villager who claimed to have completed a 185 mile bike ride on Facebook has been accused of ‘peddling a lie’.

William ‘Billy’ McKean, 42, posted a map of his route, with stats showing a completion time of 3 hours, during which he burned an astonishing 27,950 calories.

“Normally, I believe everything I read on Facebook”, said Pippa Delaney. “But then it occurred to me that Billy works up a sweat just taking his trolley back in Tesco’s car park. And also, he doesn’t own a bike.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Social media, Sport