Category Archives: science
“Time seems to have come to a complete standstill,” said long-retired local horologist Mike Winterbourne, watching the Indoor Bowling. “It seems a very long time ago now, but I was a fit, young working man when I put the Christmas Tree away.”
Politically, the electorate are beginning to feel there is some sort of sleight of hand going on.
“We’ve been hoodwinked,” said Harold Brexiteer, Gavin Williams. “Boris said he’d get it done by the end of the month, but he never told us January would last longer than the whole of the previous four years added together.”
While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.
“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.
“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”
UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.
“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.
“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading
Scientists were disappointed today to find that a snake in the grass, discovered in the UK, is most likely Michael Gove, not a previously uncategorised reptile, despite some obvious similarities.
This means the total number of UK species remains at four; not including Boris Johnson.
Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest says it’s an easy mistake for colleagues to make “Both slither along the ground in an oily manner, both cause involuntary shudders of disgust; Continue reading
The face of a man who died in Cambridge over seven hundred years ago has been recreated proving that Brits have been plain-looking for centuries.
“This is the face of a bloke,” said Professor John Robb of Cambridge University. “Balding, bags under his eyes, scruffy beard. Grooming’s never really caught on here, has it? Continue reading
Christians in the UK have slammed new IVF rules, which permit babies being made from three people. “It’s not right is it, whoever heard of three identities existing in one person? ” asked Andy, Curate at St Pauls in Harold, adjusting his spectacles.
“Anyway, we shouldn’t tamper with nature in this way.”he said, whilst turning up his hearing aid, adding Continue reading
“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”
“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
Potatoes could cause high blood pressure, says science: Ban these evil immigrants, says Britain First
Pond scum in shit jumpers, Britain First, are grunting for potatoes to be deported following the publication of a study in the BMJ which has identified frequently eating potatoes with hypertension.
“I didn’t read no study,” said Paul Golding, leader of Britain First. “But I heard someone saying something in the pub about potatoes being bad for you or something and so it’s time we took our country back from these immigrant brown-skinned evil-doers what are undermining our way of life by forcing innocent Britons to get all fat and ill and that.”
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.
His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.
“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”
“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”
As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.
Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.
The Neorest 750H toilet, on display at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, uses electrolysed water and ultraviolet light to break down bacteria, so the bowl does not have to be cleaned for at least a year.
“That sounds like a real drag to me,” insisted Melanie Delaney, 19, from the English village of Harold today.
“In our house we have a toilet, and I’m pretty certain it’s never been cleaned, like not ever.”
“It never seems to get dirty though, so I can’t see why we’d want one you have to clean every year. And it doesn’t sound like a fun job, anyway.”
Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading
The world of science was plunged into embarrassment today after sharp-eyed schoolchildren spotted that the symbols for the newly-discovered chemical elements, when seen on the Periodic Table, spell out the words: “BIG BOOBIES”.
The chance of these elements just happening to be named like this – Bi, Gb, Oob and Ies – seems so remote that red-faced heads of research at the world’s leading laboratories admit that it might not be entirely an accident.
Although the new elements were discovered and named by separate teams in different countries, there is a theory that the various scientists involved might just have got together and chosen names that spelled out BIG BOOBIES deliberately. Continue reading
The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.
Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.
“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”
“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”
Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.
There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.
“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”
Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.
“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”