Farage demands element Eu be removed from periodic table

The Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.

“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”

“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.

Farage said Britain survived for thousands of years with a stable number of known elements. “There are only so many you can fit on a sheet of A4 paper, it’s full up now.”

Expert Chemists and Physicists, as well as ordinary people with a modicum of education, argue differently saying that all the elements in the table provide an essential role to the universe, and you can’t just simply exclude one just because it’s called ‘Eu’.

Boris Johnson brushed aside the expert advice calling it ‘elitist’, and part of a campaign to insidiously introduce the laws of physics into Britain by stealth.

“I mean, no ordinary British citizen knows the names of these things or what they do all day, it’s just a huge ever growing experiment that’s got too big” said Johnson. “We need to take back control of our periodic table from the scientists.”

“I hear ‘remain’ campaigners say there could be a chain reaction that will ripple through the rest of the periodic table, and that the unstable nature of many elements could lead to a catastrophic meltdown” said Johnson.

“That’s blatant scaremongering – any short term nuclear fission effects are likely to be minimal, and the money saved from removing element Eu will be* spent on the NHS.”

• ‘will be’ being defined as ‘almost certainly won’t be’