Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden
A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.
Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.
“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading
Former Smiths front-man Steven “Morrissey” Morrissey spends his days quietly scanning the Times obituary columns for news of Queen Elizabeth II, knowing that when she finally does pass away, his 1986 Album ‘The Queen is Dead’ will most likely be swept to number 1 by a sombre, patriotic nation.
Morrissey practising his mournful look
“We [The Smiths] toyed with the idea of a perennial Christmas song, like Mariah Carey and Wham did, but the market was a bit crowded, so ‘How Soon is Christmas?’ eventually became the track we all know as ‘How Soon is Now?’, and ‘Santa in a Coma’ just got binned,” chirped the happy-go-lucky crooner.
“Then Johnny [Marr] said we should put down a track that played the long game – a little retirement bonus for us if you will – and we bounced around some ideas for blue ocean strategies, where we would be guaranteed to be the go-to track when some inevitable future event happened.”
That track was ‘The Queen is Dead’, and the album of the same name became one of the defining albums of the eighties, but Morrissey expects a revival of its success when the Queen finally does die.
Morrissey points to the boost Prince got when 1999 eventually happened, and the windfall enjoyed by The Primitives following the death of Princess Diana, and chuckles, “This is one set of royalties I’m really looking forward to.”
At every visit, something inside you dies
A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.
Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading
On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.
Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.
Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.
Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.
He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?
The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.
“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”
When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.
“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time. I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee. Other times she was a plumber. It depended which game we were playing.”
Reports about the cancellation of April Fool’s Day have caused gullible people to get very upset.
Local hairdresser Liz Pastel spoke for many saying, “I can’t believe the April Fool’s Day Department has taken away the one day a year I allow myself to be hoodwinked.”
“I vividly remember how shocked I was last year to read that humans evolved from apes, only to suddenly notice it was 1 April! I laughed so much I was worried I’d fall off the edge of the earth.”
No one under 30 cares even slightly that you liked the Cure before they were popular, according to an informal survey of British workplaces.
They are also profoundly uninterested you saw Siouxsie and the Banshees play in a small North London pub in 1980, and had a joint with the band afterwards.
“Basically when I hear shit like this, I just think ‘sad old loser’,” said Melanie Delaney, 19.
Filed under Culture, music
Angry French protesters, yesterday
The French Academy, guardian of all things cultural in France, has provoked a huge wave of protests throughout the country after announcing that outrageous French stereotypes will be banned.
For hundreds of years, non-French people have struggled with the problem of when to ride on an old-fashioned bicycle festooned with onions, and when to smoke an insouciant cigarette in a pavement café discussing experimental cinema, and the Academy has decided that modernisation is unavoidable.
“For zee last few ‘undred years, we ‘ave been, ‘ow you say, reediculed by zee Eenglish for zee vary French way we do zee theengs,” explained a spokeshomme from the Academy.
“In fact, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. I was putting on a silly accent right there, just through force of habit. Buggeure.”
Kim reveals the secret to his remarkable figure.
In an attempt to bring homogeny to the people of North Korea, Kim Jong-un has decreed that all citizens will weigh ‘around 25 stone’.
Already resplendent in the haircut of the Dear Leader, the entire population is expected to treble in weight ‘as swiftly as possible’.
“Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un has blessed us with his wobbling image of beauty”, announced the Politburo. “He has worked tirelessly through our buttered lobster reserves to become ‘larger than life’ for all our benefit.”
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.
A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.
The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.
“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”
No. No. No.
An expert who personally survived a ‘Yes’ album has warned that LSD is a ‘gateway’ to progressive rock.
With reports that the drug has come back into fashion, Dr Bob Wyatt described how this could lead to an interest in albums on which considerably more time has been spent on the cover art than on the actual music.
“To someone who has taken acid, all those dragons and unicorns can seem pretty appealling”, warned Wyatt. “But before you put that record on, it’s important to remember you’re on drugs.”
Filed under Culture, Drugs
Filling, and relatively non-toxic.
A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.
“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.
“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”
A man who attempted to acquire a glass of red wine in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been barred for a year, and given a verbal lashing by the landlord.
Mick Clarkson knew the rules when he entered the snug, but felt emboldened after reading an article on ‘creeping gentrification’.
“I’m on some tablets at the moment and the doctor said I mustn’t drink with them”, explained Clarkson. “But wine’s not really drinking, is it? It’s more or less runny jam.”
Very advanced for her age.
A baby that was delivered and subsequently licked by Brian Blessed now possesses powers associated with the super-human actor.
The baby girl was freed from her mother after Blessed gnawed through her umbilical cord. And just 6 months later, she was sporting a full beard.
“I remember sitting under a tree, when my pregnancy began”, said mother Charlotte Twaddle. “And then moments later, Blessed was chomping at the bits.”
After Blessed licked the baby clean of the associated unpleasantness, the child crawled almost immediately, before taking to the air.
When they got home they found wind chimes in their garden
In a surprise revenge attack, hipsters broke into an anarchist’s home over the weekend, when he was out demonstrating against a cereal cafe, then filled it with John Lewis soft furnishing and fabrics.
“When we got back from the demo” sobbed one of the victims, Jeff Jones “we found some low-life had left a pair of lava lamps and an original Bang & Olufsen turntable in the living room and a fondue set in the kitchen.” Continue reading
Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?
A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.
With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.
Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.
“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.
“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
Chinned and ginger, just like dad.
Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.
Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.
“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”
Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.
Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
Filed under Culture, Royals, TV