Category Archives: Around Harold

Nation prepares to celebrate the end of PPI calls

“What a great time to be alive,” remarked Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms. “It’s a Bank Holiday, the weather’s fair and PPI is coming to an end.”

“They said Austerity was over. Didn’t see anybody celebrating. They thought it was going to be like a War Is Over Lennon Ono anthem blaring out of the wireless and everybody dancing in the streets. Turned out damper than a squid that’s been dunked in a jar of tepid ale. Another pint?”

“But PPI, though. Nobody saw that coming and nobody saw it coming to an end either. And coinciding with a Bank Holiday. Last week, we had a couple of tourists in the Lickers. Spoke with a funny accent like that. I said ‘Who are you?’ and the bloke goes ‘Tourists’. I said ‘We don’t serve terrorists. Oh, you’re tourists. Are you both Taurus?’ Gin and tonic?”

“I’m putting on a Special on Thursday, which is when PPI ends, at midnight. Bit of a knees-up, Vera Lynn on the box. Miserable old git in the corner, going on about how he forgot to send his coupon in. He thinks it’s like the football pools. Then, when we get to midnight, it dawns on us – no more PPI phone calls! No more Angie’s Advice.”

“Boris up there, going ‘Oy, hold your horses, chaps, we haven’t finished Brexit yet.’ It’s not Brexit dividing the country, mate, it’s PPI. It’s those who claimed and those who didn’t. We all put up with the phone calls, but only 52% bothered to claim. The other 48% said, ‘No, we’re alright as we are, thanks.’ Now it’s over and nobody gives a toss one way or the other. Top up?”

“Anyway, you know what’s coming next, don’t you. Have you been mis-charged fees on your PPI claim?”

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Business, Tourism

Seasick Greta Thunberg’s puke ‘causing irreversible damage to our oceans’


Feeling a bit sjösjuk
A Harold man has criticised Greta Thunberg for sailing to a climate conference, because ocean seasickness vomit levels are already at breaking point.

“A bit more aviation fuel pollution isn’t going to do any harm,” said local climatologist Mike Fairchild. “Compared to the amount of puke and poos she’s going to drop in the ocean, it would be a drop in the ocean. It wouldn’t even be in the ocean.”

“Birds have evolved to keep out of the way of planes. Now we have to start thinking about the whales and sharks who are traumatised when a massive shit comes their way after a ship passes.”

“Thunberg is famous for her green credentials,” he continued, “and it shows on her face the moment she steps on board a boat. Puke and diarrhoea are best stored in a sewer behind a fat-ball, not dumped on the seabed.”

“This whole eco-trip by boat malarkey is going to backfire and she’ll be left with egg on her face and ketchup running down her smock,” he added.

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Filed under Around Harold, environment, floods, Lifestyle, News, Travel

HM Queen ‘to take back control of Parliament’

Taking back control of the steering wheel.
A new poll has revealed that most people would back HM Queen to have the final say on Brexit.

“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.

The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.

“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths  in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”

It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.

The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.

“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”

As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Business, Europe, Greek bail-out, Politics, Royals

Spirit of Schrödinger’s cat invoked to solve Irish border problem

A séance held by the UK Brexit team has called upon Schrödinger’s ghost to help resolve the Irish border issue.

“What we need,” said Mrs May, “is a border that exists in the EU’s mind, but which is invisible to the DUP.”

The séance was delayed while HM Stationery Office searched their cupboard for an umlaut to go over the ‘o’ in Schrödinger. But the search was fruitless, despite a senior civil servant swearing blind he’d seen one in there only last week. Continue reading

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Filed under Animals, Around Harold, Brexit, Europe, Lost and Found

Banksy-inspired Brexit Deal will shred itself the minute it’s signed

‘Mrs May as a child, reaching for Dreams’ isn’t the title.

A brand new Brexit Deal, drawn up by Banksy, will self-destruct as soon as it is signed.

The framework for the Deal is being kept a closely guarded secret, but insiders say it satisfies the demands of Leavers, Remainers and the EU.

“At first glance, the work lacks detail,” said Harold artist Beryl Blythe who was granted access to the piece, “but, when you step back, you see he has managed to stencil-in a solution to the Irish Border issue, draw up a workable plan for continuing trade and solve the question of free movement, all with lovely flowing lines and soft forms.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Brexit, Europe, Media

Hard Brexit to be broadcast in soft focus, BBC confirms

Should’ve gone to Specsavers

With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.

“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone.  Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.

“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Entertainment, Europe, Media, News, Technology, TV

Boris Johnson’s wife votes Leave

Pfft and harumph

Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.

“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”

Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.

“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Civil rights, Entertainment, EU referendum, News, Tory sex scandal, Troubled Families

Step-ladder ‘never really felt like one of the family’

A loom n yum, as the say in the States.

When ‘A’ was rescued from a B&Q orphanage, he thought a loving family was taking him into their home and their hearts.

“The kids seemed very excited on the way home in the 4×4,” recalled A, “singing ‘Daddy got a ladder’ to the tune of ‘If I had a hammer’. I thought I would soon be enjoying a bowl of homemade soup in a warm kitchen and then the kids would show me where I was sleeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

To his horror, the jeep pulled up the gravel path to the detached double garage. While the children ran into the house to tell mummy about their outing with daddy, A was slid out of the tailgate, had his packaging stripped from him and was roughly shaken before being hung on a pair of hooks inside the garage.

“Yeah, reckon you’ll do,” said the man before switching off the light and shutting the garage door.

In the darkness, a large spider crawled and A heard the familiar creak of aluminium on aluminium.

“Who’s there?” asked A.

“I’m Triple Extension,” said a deep voice in reply, “and this is my wife, Roof. Get to sleep, Steps. There’s work to be done, first thing in the morning.”

“Don’t call me Steps,” cried A.”My name’s A. It’s short for A-Frame. You’re not my real ladder.”

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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Apprenticeships, Around Harold, Christmas, DNA, environment, Families

Villagers slammed for holding Corbyn painting party

The growing trend for Jeremy Corbyn being hired out so children can paint on him during birthday parties has come to Harold. Local parents Cassian and India Hagan-Beckett have come under heavy criticism for holding a Corbyn Daubin’ Crew themed bash for their seven year old son, Quail.  Continue reading

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Hero dog fetched fire brigade after locking its owner in car on hot day

Harold crossbreed terrier Barney has been hailed a hero after alerting Dunstable Fire Brigade to a man locked in a car on the hottest day of the year.

“I accidentally ate four packets of chocolate chip cookies in the back of the car on the way home from Tesco,” Barney told the Evening Harold, “and then puked all over the rear seat.”

Sensing his owner was a bit narked, Barney made a bolt for it when they reached home, grabbing the car key from the ignition in his mouth and putting the car in lockdown mode. He then buried the key ‘somewhere in the back garden’.

Half an hour later, Barney decided to check on his owner, who seemed to be taking a long time to bring the shopping in, only to see him gasping for air inside the steamed up car and writing ‘EM PLEH’ in yoghurt on the windscreen. Continue reading

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Filed under Animals, Around Harold, Motoring, Weather

Metaphysical warning over Trump Friday the 13th UK visit

Be afraid

UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.

“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”

“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”

Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, Donald Trump, Entertainment, Philosophy, Religion, science, Weather

May ‘within her rights to do a poo on Corbyn’s head’

“This long”

Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.

“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Chilcot Report, Civil rights, Defence, Farming, Lifestyle, Politics

Tables turn as HMRC accused of tax dodge

cash

A typical wad of cash.

HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.

Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.

HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift.  They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.

Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.

“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.

“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, News

Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Health, News

Huge gang of professional beggars heading to Windsor

Obviously no spare rooms here.

Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.

“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”

“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Housing, Royals, Society

Viking booze raid: hornéd helmeted ones go hipster

A booze war was brewing in Harold last night, after Viking, Nils Østergård, submitted an application to Harold’s Licensing and Planning departments for ‘pop-up, artisanal, mead Shoppes’

Mr Østergård told The Evening Harold, “We’ve been brewing our own mead at our micro-brewery site for a number of years now, and had been content with only supplying our product for Viking social events.” Looking ruggedly, and wistfully, out over the River Gluggle, he continued, “But as the trend for arsey, over-priced bottles of ale with twigs in has grown, so has our Viking desire to take over the world. In this case, it’s the world of poncy alcoholic drinks. Our selection of meads are available in both bottles and animal horns, and we’d like to remind our customers to rape and pillage responsibly.” Continue reading

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Local hedgehogs to fight back on bonfire night

It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it

Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.

“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.” Continue reading

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Nuclear control ‘far safer with coke-snorters than Donald Trump’

UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.

A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.

“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
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Filed under Around Harold, bombs, Defence, Drugs, Lifestyle, Politics, War

Snails now technically moving faster than Brexit

Astride the blue recycling bin

Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.

“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Europe, Nature, Pets, science

Sense of trepidation flares at Annual Convention of Hermits

One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.

The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.

“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.

“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Europe, Farming, Lifestyle, Philosophy