UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading
Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.
“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading
A typical wad of cash.
HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.
Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.
HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift. They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.
Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.
“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.
“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”
We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day
A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.
“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading
Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
A booze war was brewing in Harold last night, after Viking, Nils Østergård, submitted an application to Harold’s Licensing and Planning departments for ‘pop-up, artisanal, mead Shoppes’
Mr Østergård told The Evening Harold, “We’ve been brewing our own mead at our micro-brewery site for a number of years now, and had been content with only supplying our product for Viking social events.” Looking ruggedly, and wistfully, out over the River Gluggle, he continued, “But as the trend for arsey, over-priced bottles of ale with twigs in has grown, so has our Viking desire to take over the world. In this case, it’s the world of poncy alcoholic drinks. Our selection of meads are available in both bottles and animal horns, and we’d like to remind our customers to rape and pillage responsibly.” Continue reading
It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it
Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.
“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.” Continue reading
UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.
The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.
“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.
“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”
Hang ’em high.
The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.
Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.
The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.
“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading
David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts
A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.
“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”
Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading
On a good day Jackson completes one in under 4 hours
New rules, that mean having to fill in a 10 page form every time they speak to someone, have delighted police.
“Ten pages is nothing, bring it on.” chuckled Dunstable police’s PC Jackson. “This is why I joined the Police. I always wanted to make a difference.”
“Yesterday, for instance, I spoke to a woman who asked the way to Whipsnade zoo and then spent a lovely few hours back at the station filling in the details.” she said. “I didn’t finish typing until six o’clock, by which time Whipsnade had shut Continue reading
“Watch out for that massive tub of beer, Michael!”
Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.
“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.
“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth Continue reading
If only McKean had the right light equipment
For some reason, an overweight man with plans to cycle his way to fitness is only able to do so on the lightest bike around.
“On an old steel-framed one, forty miles of a Sunday morning would take ages” wheezed William McKean, after his partner noticed he’d been googling ‘Titanium frames for under £1000?’ from the sofa.
Harold’s fattest man, McKean is best known locally as the star of the TV documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. Continue reading
A typical village stoner
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
Michael Gove? They wouldn’t, would they?
Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.
Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading
Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.
Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.
“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said. “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote. But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country. Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading
That’s cleared that up then.
New online site WikiTribune, dedicated to reporting only factually correct news, has closed down only days after its launch, due to the lack of any properly verified reports.
“The only story we had,” said founder Jimmy Wales, “was about a member of our own staff who had to take the day off after her goldfish died. But she couldn’t say for certain the age of the fish as she had won it in a raffle last week.”
We caught up with Mrs [name withheld], who confessed she made up the goldfish excuse to get the day off. Continue reading