Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure I had a healthy diet.”

A security guard at Tesco Express, McKean helps manage his grocery budget by using just-out-of-date goods. Most Mondays will see him waddle home with several litres of Extra Thick Clotted Cream, a sackful of crisps and a dozen ready-meals, never dreaming that those freebies might lead to health problems.

As Chairman of Harold Thursday, McKean is content with his exercise regime; watching the team train on twice a week and then watching them play on Saturdays.

He also takes comfort that the research was carried out by French scientists. “We’ll be out of the EU next year, so this won’t apply to us soon.”

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