Tag Archives: UKIP

by | January 27, 2015 · 7:00 am

Benedict Cumberbatch joins UKIP

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Take this. I’m off to save the pound.

After facing criticism for calling black people  ‘coloured’ on US television, Benedict Cumberbatch has confirmed he has gone one step further and become a member of UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage was reportedly ‘delighted’ at finding someone else rich, white and gaffe-prone to help replace the increasing numbers of his party who are defecting to even more extreme right-wing organisations, like the Conservative Party.

Cumberbatch swiftly issued an apology for his ‘incorrect’ and ‘offensive’ use of the phrase, saying: ‘I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology.”

“I appreciate that by accidentally using one word instead of another word I have committed the ultimate crime, for which no punishment can ever be sufficient, no humiliation too great. And so I have decided to join UKIP.” Continue reading →

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by | January 25, 2015 · 7:00 am

Tories and UKIP agree joint custody of he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.

10422400_10153213970213149_1811893741864321207_nFollowing his move in 2012 from the Conservative Party to UKIP, and then his more recent move from UKIP to the Conservative party, David Cameron and Nigel Farage have finally agreed a joint custody deal of the he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.

“It’s been a long battle, but we have decided that it will be so much easier to claim some of our best friends are foreign if we have him during the week and UKIP have him at weekends,” Prime Minister and Tory leader David Cameron said.
Continue reading →

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by | January 4, 2015 · 3:59 pm

PM refuses to rule out coalition with President Snow

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He may have his faults but he’s a hell of a spiffy dresser

Under intense questioning from Andrew Marr, David Cameron has refused to rule out a post-election coalition between the Tories and President Snow. A prospect that horrified critics have said will make the current government seem like a workers’ co-op run by Michael Palin and Camilla Batmanghelidjh. However the Prime Minister was quick to refute this allegation.
“Cornelius Snow is a good chap,” he asserted. “He works hard and more importantly has immense personal wealth and likes all the things I do. Furthermore his record in giving young people a purpose and a direction in life is second to none.”

Cameron also revealed that President Snow isn’t the only person he’d “do business with” confirming that initial soundings out have taken place between him and Tywin Lannister as well as Lord Voldemort.

“I don’t know why people are getting so het up about the idea,” he said. “These are strong. dynamic leaders. And anyway it’s not like I’m considering doing something that would truly screw the country and talking to Nigel Farage. Only a real fruitcake would consider a coalition with Ukip.”

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by | December 15, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Labour advised to keep quiet about Ed Miliband

milibandhaventgotaclue

You really want to know? I haven’t got a clue.

A leaked Labour document which has been sent to some of the party’s MPs and activists, says they should deny all knowledge of Ed Miliband while out campaigning in the run up to the next election.It says the issue could be “unhelpful” and may risk losing votes.
The document suggests that that campaigners should use whatever diversionary tactics they can think of if anyone mentions the ‘M’ word. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Painkillers to be reviewed after Ukip’s Kerry Smith claims they made him a prejudiced arse

bigotol

WARNING: can cause doziness. Do not attempt to drive or operate a political party when taking this drug

NICE are holding an urgent review into the use of painkillers Fascistadine, Bigotol and Powellcetomol as well as the sedative Insularin. This follows claims by Kerry Smith that taking them turned him into a racist and homophobic cock-womble. He also pinned the blame firmly on the drugs for his misogyny and possession of a level of arrogance that would make Kanye West blush.  Continue reading →

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by | December 14, 2014 · 4:50 pm

UKIP clarifies “Nothing unusual, Kerry Smith is a prick about everything.”

farageandkerrysmith

I don’t suppose you’ve got a spare fag?

UKIP has explained that a phone call in which Kerry Smith, their South Basildon and Thurrock parliamentary candidate, made light-hearted, racist and homophobic remarks shouldn’t be taken out of context ‘because he’s always like that’.

Patrick O’Flynn, UKIP MEP, told the Evening Harold that the call had been made while Smith was sedated and not speaking or even thinking rationally. “In fact,” said O’Flynn “it was about then that Kerry joined UKIP, which rather backs up his story.” Continue reading →

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Quote

UKIP asked to stop getting their tit out in public

IMG_0688.JPG Ukip have come under increasing pressure to stop getting their tit out in public. After offering its opinions on a wide range of issues from immigration to breastfeeding, critics have said although they respect the right of the party to get their tit out in public, many people find it ’embarrassing’ and occasionally ‘offensive’.

Defending their stance, a campaigner for public decency said: “We understand that sometimes they have to get him out, and that is often dictated by nature.

“For example, when there a foreigner that he’s not married to to have a go at or there’s the scent of a rather nice ale in the air.

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by | December 6, 2014 · 7:45 am
by | November 27, 2014 · 11:26 am

Net immigration up as people move to the UK hoping to see latest tourist attraction, Nigel Farage

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Figures released today show net immigration has risen as tens of thousands of foreigners come to the to visit the country’s newest tourist attraction, UKIP and Nigel Farage.

Historically the UK has been an attractive prospect for those wishing to move around the globe because of its history, culture and life prospects.

But a recent survey shows modern day immigrants come to our shores in the hope they may meet an actual Ukipper, or even Nigel Farage himself, leaving his party in a ironic black hole that has baffled even the brightest of scientists.

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by | November 20, 2014 · 7:00 am

UK braced for another day of being unable to escape Farage’s gaping maw

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If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.

As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.

“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”

Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.

“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”

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by | November 18, 2014 · 11:01 am

Farage shows his charitable side by growing Hitler Movember moustache

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from 'On the Buses'?

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?

With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.

Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.

In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”

Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading →

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by | November 8, 2014 · 11:51 am

Nigel Farage demands Cenotaph ceremony be all about him

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“Me. Me. Meeeeeeee!”

Ukip leader Nigel Farage has poured scorn on tomorrow’s wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph complaining that it fails to celebrate him adequately.

“This is the ‘closed shop’ of the British political system in action,” Farage complained. “When it is clear that at this time what the nation needs is me front and centre I have been side-lined in favour of political leaders with more than one MP and an old woman in a black hat.” Continue reading →

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by | November 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Farage vetoes unhappy Gove’s bid to defect to UKIP

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.

Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?’

The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.

“It’s all about image,” he started.  “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join.  In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading →

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by | October 22, 2014 · 11:11 am

Mike Read withdraws UKIP Calypso song admitting it’s unlikely to win MOBO award

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DJ Mike Read has withdrawn his best-selling UKIP Calypso song after recognising it was unlikely to win an award at tonight’s Music Of Black Origin (MOBO) awards.

The song is designed to highlight UKIP’s policies whilst dispelling the accusation that they are in any way racist.

Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2014 · 2:30 pm

What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading →

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by | · 6:17 am

White, male, ex-Tory and incumbent MP wins by-election: Ukip hails “huge change”

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Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.

Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.

Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading →

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by | September 26, 2014 · 1:31 pm

World Exclusive: Nigel Farage’s conference speech in full

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage reacts during a media interview outside the Marquis of Granby, Westminster in central LondonFor the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading →

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by | August 29, 2014 · 7:00 am

Clacton now has two Ukip candidates not to vote for

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With Douglas Carswell defecting to Ukip and forcing a by-election, but Ukip’s current candidate Roger Lord refusing to step aside, the electorate in Clacton have been left in enviable position of having two Ukip candidates not to vote for.

“This is a Tory safe seat,” one voter told us, “and I can’t see that changing, it’s just now we have two Ukip candidate to laugh at then ignore on the ballot paper.”
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by | August 19, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP ‘trying really really hard not to look racist, honestly’

adolffarage

Oops – what a give away!

Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.

“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”

“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading →

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by | August 13, 2014 · 11:00 am

Farage anger at pregnant ‘benefit tourist’, Tian Tian

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Ukip leader Nigel Farage has launched a scathing attack on Edinburgh Zoo’s possibly pregnant panda bear, Tian Tian, accusing her of getting pregnant just to stay in the UK.

“We are a soft touch,” Farage told supporters. “These bloody foreign pandas come over here, are housed and fed for free and now she is pregnant she will no doubt move out of the zoo, into a council house and receive every benefit going.”
Continue reading →

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by | July 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

Row breaks out over Ukip’s use of foreign angels

Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)

Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)

Ukip in Glastonbury has come under fire for employing angels and galactic beings none of which are residents of the United Kingdom. There have been resignations in the local party amid allegations that it’s being overrun by occultists who are working with supernatural entities that use the euro and have banned imperial weights and measures in their suspiciously keen-on-garlic-but-not-real-ale celestial home. Continue reading →

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