Painkillers to be reviewed after Ukip’s Kerry Smith claims they made him a prejudiced arse

WARNING: can cause doziness. Do not attempt to drive or operate a political party when taking this drug

NICE are holding an urgent review into the use of painkillers Fascistadine, Bigotol and Powellcetomol as well as the sedative Insularin. This follows claims by Kerry Smith that taking them turned him into a racist and homophobic cock-womble. He also pinned the blame firmly on the drugs for his misogyny and possession of a level of arrogance that would make Kanye West blush. 

“I’m not racist but…” Smith said before adding, “When I consider the awful things I’ve been exposed in the press as saying then it has to be those pills that made me say them. Nothing about Ukip would instil those values in a man, nothing at all.”

As a safety precaution Nigel Farage explained that in future Ukip candidates will only be prescribed suppositories. “We’re more comfortable with those”, said Farage. “People are always telling us to ‘shove it up your arse’.”