Tag Archives: Spoof news

by | October 14, 2014 · 4:30 pm

Raheem Sterling calls for ‘nap time’ to be introduced to football matches

Bless him, he's tired

Bless him, he’s tired

Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.

The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep.  Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Animal rights activist resigns after possible ant killing incident

EH artist's impression of the victim in happier times

EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times

Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.

Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”

“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question  – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?” Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2014 · 2:30 pm

What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading →

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by | October 8, 2014 · 11:30 am

Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading →

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by | October 3, 2014 · 9:02 am

Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

You can't see the crossed fingers

You can’t see the crossed fingers

The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.

It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.

Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading →

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by | September 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

Respected willie-waver resigns over ‘Tory MP’ slur

Phew, it's a microphone

Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone

Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.

Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading →

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by | September 26, 2014 · 8:39 am

Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.

As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.

“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading →

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by | September 25, 2014 · 7:05 am

Users complain that masturbating over new iPhone makes it sticky

iPhone-6-Coming-in-2014Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.

The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.

One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.” Continue reading →

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by | September 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Miliband admits Labour spending plans were vetted by Tesco’s auditors

The moment of realisation

The moment of realisation

Only minutes after his triumphant keynote speech, Ed Miliband was in trouble again after not realising that Labour shared auditors with troubled supermarket giant Tesco.

Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.

The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
Continue reading →

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by | September 19, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Salmond claims victory saying Scots voting NO really meant NO to England

It's my country and I'll cry if I want to ..

It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..

Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.

The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.

“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading →

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by | September 17, 2014 · 7:00 am

Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade

QueenThe Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.

In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.

“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”

After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading →

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by | September 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Proton Therapy Centre optimistic Ashya’s family’s finances ‘sufficiently robust to withstand treatment’

No, not your vital signs, it's your stock market performance

No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance

Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.

The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.

Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading →

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by | September 4, 2014 · 8:04 pm

Joan Rivers to be broken up and recycled after plastic surgeons finally give up

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.

Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.

Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
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by | · 11:00 am

Another gaffe as Miliband flies to Cardiff to deliver keynote Scottish independence speech

So good to be back in Scotland.

So good to be back in Scotland.

Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.

Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.

The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading →

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by | September 2, 2014 · 2:30 pm

War on terrorism on hold whilst US hunts down source of Jennifer Laurence nude photos

jenWhite House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.

“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
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by | August 27, 2014 · 11:00 am

Local parlour develops invisible tattoo for people unable to show tats at work

ArmHave you been told by your employers that tattoos are unacceptable? Well, hope is at hand thanks to Harold tattooist Dave Zhou who has invented a technique which provides perfect invisible tattoos, which means you can have a tattoo anywhere you like without your boss being able to see it.

Being a police officer, PC Anita Flegg had been unable to display even the tiniest of tattoos until now, so she was one of Dave Zhou’s first customers when he advertised the new product. She is delighted with the results.

“It’s been a real bore not being able to have tats like my mates,” she told the Evening Harold, “but now, thanks to Dave’s skills, I’m thrilled to have a tattoo on my forehead which reads ‘Make my day, punk’ which I know is there but no one can see, so I can’t get into trouble at work. It’s so empowering.” Continue reading →

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by | August 26, 2014 · 11:00 am

New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

NHSStung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.

Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading →

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by | August 20, 2014 · 7:00 am

Sex pests welcome in new inclusive Lib Dems

lord_R

We’re desperate – we’ll take anyone…

In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.

One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.

Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators. Continue reading →

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by | August 19, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP ‘trying really really hard not to look racist, honestly’

adolffarage

Oops – what a give away!

Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.

“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”

“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Now Sainsbury’s decides not to sell Christmas items for fear of offending anyone

Never knowingly upsetting

Never knowingly upsetting

Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading →

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