Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.
The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.
One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.”
Guardian Technology editor Charles Arthur, usually no great lover of Apple products, was unable to prevent himself from filling a bath with new iPhones and rolling around in them, “So bewitching is the elegant metal chamfering.” The unexpected dry cleaning bill cost the phone a whole star in its Guardian rating.
Apple’s response so far has angered critics. The company has a history of not admitting hardware problems, and the suggestion that users were “holding it wrong” has done litttle to appease those stuck with phones covered in Gentleman’s Relish. Similarly, the proposal that users might consider not masturbating with their iPhones has been dismissed as hopelessly unrealistic.
It could certainly be argued that Apple has caused the problems for itself, especially considering its new advertising slogan: “You don’t have to be a wanker to have an iPhone – but it helps.”
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