Tag Archives: nigel farage

by | December 14, 2014 · 4:50 pm

UKIP clarifies “Nothing unusual, Kerry Smith is a prick about everything.”

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I don’t suppose you’ve got a spare fag?

UKIP has explained that a phone call in which Kerry Smith, their South Basildon and Thurrock parliamentary candidate, made light-hearted, racist and homophobic remarks shouldn’t be taken out of context ‘because he’s always like that’.

Patrick O’Flynn, UKIP MEP, told the Evening Harold that the call had been made while Smith was sedated and not speaking or even thinking rationally. “In fact,” said O’Flynn “it was about then that Kerry joined UKIP, which rather backs up his story.” Continue reading →

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by | December 12, 2014 · 7:00 am

Question Time breaks new pornography rules with ‘clash of two pricks’

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Hunter S Thompson briefly returned from the dead and shot at Brand, for suggesting entertainers shouldn’t stand for office.

The popular orgy show ‘Question Time’ has broken new rules on pornography, after filming two tumescent penises having ‘a go at each other’.

New rules forbid punishment and pain being enacted, rules specifically designed to prevent Nigel Farage or Russell Brand appearing on our screens.

“I don’t really got no policies as it ‘appens, but what’s important is to be all appealing to the youngun’s an’ that. I’ll keep talkin’ if you don’t take too offense to it, mind yer pardon. But I do so love the timbre of me voice”, said Farage.
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by | December 8, 2014 · 7:00 am

Farage blames failure to complete crossword on immigrants

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Farage, complaining to the Oxford dictionary about their bureaucratic obsession with grammar.

Nigel Farage struggled to finish a crossword puzzle in a timely manner last night – and laid the blame squarely on immigrants.

“The white boxes are the only ones that really do anything, but they’re being held back by all the blacks”, insisted the UKIP leader.

“They just clutter the place up, they don’t enhance this game at all. It’s about time we stopped letting them in, give the white boxes a bit of room to breathe. We need to start with a clean sheet of paper.”
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Quote

UKIP asked to stop getting their tit out in public

IMG_0688.JPG Ukip have come under increasing pressure to stop getting their tit out in public. After offering its opinions on a wide range of issues from immigration to breastfeeding, critics have said although they respect the right of the party to get their tit out in public, many people find it ’embarrassing’ and occasionally ‘offensive’.

Defending their stance, a campaigner for public decency said: “We understand that sometimes they have to get him out, and that is often dictated by nature.

“For example, when there a foreigner that he’s not married to to have a go at or there’s the scent of a rather nice ale in the air.

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by | December 6, 2014 · 7:45 am
by | November 27, 2014 · 11:26 am

Net immigration up as people move to the UK hoping to see latest tourist attraction, Nigel Farage

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Figures released today show net immigration has risen as tens of thousands of foreigners come to the to visit the country’s newest tourist attraction, UKIP and Nigel Farage.

Historically the UK has been an attractive prospect for those wishing to move around the globe because of its history, culture and life prospects.

But a recent survey shows modern day immigrants come to our shores in the hope they may meet an actual Ukipper, or even Nigel Farage himself, leaving his party in a ironic black hole that has baffled even the brightest of scientists.

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by | November 20, 2014 · 7:00 am

UK braced for another day of being unable to escape Farage’s gaping maw

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If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.

As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.

“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”

Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.

“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”

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by | November 8, 2014 · 11:51 am

Nigel Farage demands Cenotaph ceremony be all about him

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“Me. Me. Meeeeeeee!”

Ukip leader Nigel Farage has poured scorn on tomorrow’s wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph complaining that it fails to celebrate him adequately.

“This is the ‘closed shop’ of the British political system in action,” Farage complained. “When it is clear that at this time what the nation needs is me front and centre I have been side-lined in favour of political leaders with more than one MP and an old woman in a black hat.” Continue reading →

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by | November 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Farage vetoes unhappy Gove’s bid to defect to UKIP

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.

Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?’

The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.

“It’s all about image,” he started.  “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join.  In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading →

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by | October 21, 2014 · 7:11 am

British music murdered: it was Mike Read at the Ukip conference with a calypso

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In affectionate remembrance of British popular music which died yesterday at Ukip’s hands, 20th October, 2014. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances. The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Paul McCartney

Ukip has killed British popular music. By releasing as a single a calypso sung by Mike Read in a faux West Indian accent so cringe-worthy it can kill gerbils and stop time then insisting that it’s witty and not at all racist the kippers have killed a much loved but ailing art form stone dead. Continue reading →

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by | October 13, 2014 · 12:38 pm

BBC to launch its own Nigel Farage channel

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The BBC have announced they are to launch a digital station dedicated to Nigel Farage.

The channel, BBC Nige, will be set up in the wake of UKIP getting its first MP, and British politics getting its first personality in over 20 years.

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by | October 10, 2014 · 6:17 am

White, male, ex-Tory and incumbent MP wins by-election: Ukip hails “huge change”

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Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.

Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.

Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading →

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by | September 26, 2014 · 1:31 pm

World Exclusive: Nigel Farage’s conference speech in full

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage reacts during a media interview outside the Marquis of Granby, Westminster in central LondonFor the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading →

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by | May 25, 2014 · 10:00 am

Osborne says ‘I respect Nigel Farage, Little Mix, Doctor Who and anyone else who’ll make me seem electable”

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George playing bingo as he does most nights before having a pint then taking the whippet for a walk.

Speaking yesterday on BBC Radio 4 George Osborne abandoned default Tory scorn for Ukip and spoke of his respect for them and for Nigel Farage. Continue reading →

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by | May 23, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Further embarrassment for Ed Miliband as he accidentally votes for Ukip

Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed

Probably best if you just stay in the house for a while Ed

A bad week for Ed Miliband ended on another embarrassing note today as it emerged that he had accidentally voted for Ukip in his local council elections.

The Labour leader had already struggled with the cost of his weekly shop, the name of the Labour candidate in Swindon, and eating a bacon sandwich like a normal human being. Now it appears that he has also forgotten the name of his local councillor and, after taking a stab in the dark, succeeded in getting the wrong party entirely. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:03 am

Lib Dems thrashed in local elections: Cameron writes Clegg a ‘Dear John’

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Better days: Dave ‘n’ Nick setting up political home together in 2010

Dear Nick,

It’s May and election results are pouring in. To be honest they’re not looking that good for the Conservatives. Just like four years ago, hey? Except as the sun began to rise on that particular May morning I realised how attractive you were, you had that elusive ‘enough seats so I could be Prime Minister’ quality that no one else did which combined with your lack of shame and political convictions made you irresistible. Continue reading →

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by | May 17, 2014 · 9:20 am

Play ‘You Know the Difference’ with Nigel Farage!

Nigel can see what’s happening on the streets of Britain, but do YOU have the same amazing vision?

Why not try Nigel’s “You Know the Difference” challenge, and see if you can spot the hidden difference between the nice German man and the Romanian! Nigel knows why he thinks they’re different, but he can’t say – not on the radio, anyway!

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Do YOU know the difference???

 

You know you wouldn’t want one of them living next door to you, but can you spot the crucial reason why they’re so different?

Study these two men carefully, making sure to keep your mind nicely closed. Check your answer below!

If you can spot the difference – CONGRATULATIONS! You’re a UKIP candidate!

Next week: Join us again to play Spot the Difference between Nigel’s BRAIN and an ONION!

Answer: Of course there’s no fucking difference, you racist twat!

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by | May 8, 2014 · 11:00 am

European Elections latest: opposition to Ukip prepared to do anything but vote

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“Yeah, I know people died for my right to vote but I’m comfy.”

Things are looking good for Nigel Farage as Ukip are set to triumph in the European elections on May 22nd. Despite his party attracting significant opposition in the press and across social media it seems that no one who dislikes what Ukip stand for can actually be arsed to vote. Continue reading →

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by | April 28, 2014 · 11:00 am

Play this season’s craziest game with your free Ukip Bingo card

Nigel Farage

Oi, Farage. In the almost words of Lieutenant Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!

It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation! Ukip Bingo is fast, furious (about immigrants) and fun! Every time a Ukip councillor or prospective Ukip MEP tweets/says something abominable whip out your free Evening Harold Ukip Bingo card and as the press react and Ukip go on the defensive it’s eyes down for a full house!

It’s new, it’s crazy, and in the run up to the European elections you can play every day! Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2014 · 1:51 pm

Farage punk photo ‘may be clever forgery’

sid-and-farage

Suspicion is growing that a photo supposedly showing UKIP leader Nigel Farage in his youth as a rebellious punk rocker is in fact a forgery.

The photo, above, seems to clearly show Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious looking adoringly into Farage’s eyes, and it is these subtle homoerotic overtones which have allegedly caused the UKIP hierarchy to demand a ban from all media outlets.

In fact, close examination by experts has now revealed that despite all appearances, the photo may in fact not be genuine. This is hard to believe, given its authentic appearance, but Photoshop gurus have managed to spot a few tell-tale discrepancies which may begin to cast doubts.
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by | April 23, 2014 · 7:00 am

Nigel Farage changes name to ‘Garage’ to sound ‘less foreign’

Nigel Garage, the formerly French-sounding leader of UKIP, has been explaining to the press why he changed his name by deed poll.

Waving a little Union Flag and talking in cockney, Garage (now pronounced ‘garridge’) claimed that he was broadening his appeal to the sort of low-thinking, closet racist who won’t eat lasagne because it ‘sounds too foreign’.

“It always infuriated me that people in UK call centres had to ask me how I spelled my name”, said Garage. “But so far, they’ve had no problem with the new one. And I have to say, it does seem to be a rather apt choice. The last chap I spoke to said he ‘could just imagine driving his car into me’.”
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