Tag Archives: Evening Harold

New Harry Potter leaked: ‘Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal’ is the darkest book yet

rsz_old_harry2

Sadly for Harry outstanding courage and loyalty are no help when your enemy is the DWP.

Leaked copies of the eighth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal, have confirmed speculation that this new book will see the former boy wizard all grown-up and struggling with life in David Cameron’s Britain. Continue reading

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Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

fastexercise

After just two seconds a month, your head will turn into this charming timepiece

No, of course not.

It’s the most stupid idea ever, and will obviously do nothing more than persuade a generation of obese couchmongers that it’s OK to remain slumped on their fat arses doing little more than a half-hearted leg spasm once a month.

But I’ve got a book!

Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have you believe! But I’m the BBC’s Bob Mussolini, and I’m here to tell you all about the revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan called High Intensity Training. This revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan was launched recently in my book The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan for readers, and in the Daily Mail for everyone else, and has already virtually banished obesity from our shores.

Erection

Everyone agrees that getting more active will make you healthier and prolong your life. But exercise will also help you stop getting stuck in doorways, give you a fighting chance of achieving the occasional erection and reduce the risk of dementia, heart attacks, diabetes and dementia.
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Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, .... Baldrick?

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?

Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.

The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.

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Daily Mail ‘outraged’ as one week on, no Romanians yet

arrivals

What, NONE? Not ONE?

One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.

With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, Politics

“Slavery was ace”: Gove on a roll after his re-imagining of WWI

Dolores_Umbridge_(Promo_still_from_HP5_movie)_10-15-2009

We hear Gove we picture Delores Umbridge, it’s like an illness. Does anyone know any centaurs?

Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.” Continue reading

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Middle classes ‘will probably riot’ over higher school holiday Center Parcs prices

centerparcs

White-collar workers of the world unite!

Tensions were running at fever pitch in the streets of Wimbledon and Godalming last night as middle-class unrest over seasonally-inflated Center Parcs pricing threatened to escalate into a frenzy of Facebook posting and near-audible tutting.

This being the time of year when the reasonably financially comfortable let their thoughts stray towards summer leisure, nice families like us across the country were shocked to discover they faced the stark choice of taking their children out of school a week early or paying a bit more. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, Politics

‘Half convicted pickpockets are Romainian’. Modern day Artful Dodger suggests better training

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Recent police figures reported in the Daily Mail have suggested “over half of all convicted tube pickpockets are Romanian” leading to calls for better training.

“There are actually fewer Romanian pickpockets than there are British ones, but they are shit at it and are getting caught more often,” one modern day Artful Dodger told us.

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Edinburgh beached whale: charity 85% sure it’s not Eric Pickles

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A whale-sized creature found washed up on a beach near Edinburgh is probably a sperm whale, and not Eric Pickles as first thought.

An animal welfare charity was called to the beach early this morning by a member of the public concerned the communities minister was piloting a new parking scheme.

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Filed under environment, Nature, News

Labour announce plans for ‘teacher MOT’ followed by teacher tax and third party insurance

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Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.

“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.

“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.

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Filed under Education, News, Politics

Channel 5 praised for most secretive Big Brother series ever

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Producers at Channel 5 have been congratulated and thanked by the British public for the most secretive series of Big Brother yet.

The current run, which started just over a week ago, has some of today’s biggest names such as Jim Davidson and Lionel Blair yet has still managed to slip under the radar of even the most discerning youthful telly addicts.

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness

Today is Red Friday – the day you’re most likely to murder your boss

Bosses Beware

It could be you …

This Friday has been branded by experts as “Red Friday”, as it is statistically the day in the year when your boss is most likely to be murdered by a disgruntled subordinate.

“The Friday of the first working week of the New Year, is well known as a dangerous time for managers,” confirmed Inspector Damion Briggs of the Metropolitan Police’s Bossicide Squad. “We recommend that anyone in a supervisory role considers the necessity of visiting the workplace today. Working from home this Friday may very well save your life.”
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Suicide bomber apologises for ‘insensitive’ Manchester United fancy dress costume

fancydress

On me head, son!

An Iraqi suicide bomber has apologised unreservedly for his “insensitive” decision to appear as a Manchester United player at a fancy dress party.

The anonymous Al-Qaeda fighter from Iraq’s western Anbar province wanted to make a humorous comment on the hopelessness of existence and the futility of life, and believed dressing up as a Man Utd player would be the perfect way to achieve this. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, Politics, Sport

David Cameron’s entire cabinet arrested under controversial new ‘anti-annoyance’ law

You're nicked, me old beauty

You’re nicked, me old beauty

Shortly before the House of Lords vetoed the new law which would criminalise “causing nuisance or annoyance to any person”, it emerged that the law has already been used once – to arrest David Cameron and all his government ministers.

The new law allows anyone to be arrested and sent to prison for doing anything annoying at all, and has drawn admiration from repressive dictatorships the world over, but few expected it to be used so quickly on such a high-profile victim.

Acting on a tip-off from a man in Hull, police swooped on Downing Street yesterday in ‘Operation Fuckknuckle’, quickly rounding up someone they described only as “A 47-year-old Prime Minister” and his gang of shady associates. Continue reading

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Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’

picklebags

Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.

The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.

It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading

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USA demands to know: ‘Who the hell got Iraq into this mess?’

iraq

Tony Blair (right, in balaclava) spoke of the horrors of war

After reluctantly agreeing to the Iraqi government’s desperate plea for weapons to fight insurgents who are taking over the country, the United States has angrily demanded to know how the hell the country got into such a shitty state to begin with.

American surveillance drones and Hellfire missiles will shortly  be delivered  to help with the attack on the city of Fallujah, which has fallen to Islamic militants, but US Secretary of State John Kerry insisted this morning that the USA will not continue indefinitely  to clean up “other people’s messes”. Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, International News, Religion

‘We still need to make £25 worth of cuts’ warns George Osborne’s barber

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“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.

“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.

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New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.

“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading

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Secret society still not getting credit they deserve for averting apocalypse

Where's the rest of the month? Oh...

Where’s the rest of the month? Oh…

As the date of the latest apocalyptic prediction draws closer, with the Viking apocalypse Ragnorak set to occur on February 22nd, the leader of a secret society dedicated to the protection of mankind has bemoaned their continuing lack of recognition.

“People noticed that Gary Barlow and David Beckham were not knighted in the 2014 New Year Honours List, but nobody batted an eyelid at the fact that all of our members were overlooked once again, despite having prevented the end of the world numerous times.” complained a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘Grand Master’. Continue reading

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23 years after message in bottle, woman is finally arrested for littering

message-in-a-bottle

Lethal

A woman who threw a message in a bottle into the North Sea more than 20 years ago has finally been tracked down and arrested after it was discovered in the Netherlands.

Louise Darling, from the village of Harold, was 10 when she threw the note as she went on holiday on a ferry from Hull to Belgium on 12 September 1990.

She thought nothing more of it, until this Christmas, when her house was cordoned off by hundreds of heavily-armoured riot police who dragged her handcuffed from the house under close surveillance from an elite team of army snipers.

Her letter, discovered by an elderly Dutch couple walking on the beach near the port of Vissershaven, had read: “Dear finder, my name is Louise. Please would you write to me, I would like it a lot.

“I am 10 years old and I like ballet, playing the flute and the piano. I have a hamster called Sparkle and a fish called Speckle.”

Ms Darling said she was surprised not just at how far the message had travelled, but also at being arrested under anti-terrorist legislation and detained without charge waiting for rendition to a compliant Eastern-European nation with lax human rights.

Trevor Pearce, Director-General of the Serious Organised Crime Agency, issued a statement congratulating officers for their courage and tenacity in an operation which has lasted two decades.

“These are the sort of bastards we’re out to get,” he explained. “Scum like this think they can launch attacks on the fabric of our society, but they won’t get away with it. This bottle could have contained a fast-acting deadly nerve gas rendering the whole North Sea toxic.”

“It didn’t, but it could have done.”

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Filed under Law and Order, Lost and Found

Romanians panic as bankrupt Nick Griffin heads to Bucharest to look for work

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Bankrupt: morally, intellectually…

There was panic on the streets of Romanian capital Bucharest this afternoon as citizens braced themselves for an influx of BNP leader Nick Griffin who is heading there to look for work after being declared bankrupt at Welshpool County Count.

“We don’t want Nick Griffins coming here and taking all our jobs,” said IT consultant Ion Bâlan. “They behave in a disgusting way that is completely at odds with Romanian values, we do not want them in our city living off state handouts then going on our version of Question Time looking mad. The Romanian government should close the borders to such people.” Continue reading

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