Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Lib Dem perverts: ‘still plenty in stock’

nickclegg

Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?

Lib Dem Party leaders have denied  persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have  a rogue  MP who is not a serial groper.

Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Australia day to be celebrated by dropping ‘welcome those across the seas’ bit from national anthem

first_fleet

Where’s your bloody visa?

The Australian government has announced that this year’s Australia Day will be commemorated by finally dropping the lines in the second verse of the national anthem which go:  “For those who’ve come across the seas, We’ve boundless plains to share”.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced the change at a press conference this morning, expressing his “deep concern” that the words ever got put there in the first place:

“I thought I ought to know a bit about the old anthem, being Prime Minister, and after reading through it a few times it just sort of leapt out – what the hell is this bullshit about people coming across the seas?”
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Ukip: A new manifesto

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We know that this story should have a photo of Nigel Farage but we can’t bear to stare at his gaping maw yet again.

Ukip’s Nigel Farage has announced that the party has abandoned its previous manifesto and won’t be creating a new one until after the European elections. We at the Evening Harold are saddened to think of Ukip as being ruddy-faced and yet rudderless so we’ve put together a new manifesto for them.

Their previous one was 486 pages long however we’re confident we’ve got Ukip covered in just twelve simple points. Continue reading

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Duncan Smith: I will free people trapped on benefits by forcing them into slavery

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Maybe it’s harder than it seems: photo shows the result of Duncan Smith being asked to point to his arse and his elbow.

In a speech yesterday Iain Duncan Smith announced that benefit recipients who aren’t in employment will become slaves as part of the Tory party’s “historic mission…to give people from chaotic lives security through hard work. And the security that they will get is knowing that the hard work will never end.” Continue reading

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UK police to provide water cannon “get clean while-u-riot” service

Riot-U-Wash

Over here! Stubborn stain under the arm!

Chief constables are to press home secretary Theresa May to authorise the use of a powerful new water cannon  after London mayor Boris Johnson raised serious concerns about the smell of poor people rioting.

The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) says that “the likelihood of increased protests as austerity measures increase into the summer is certain to cause a ‘perfect storm’ of hotter days and unwashed protesters, leading to the atmosphere in central London becoming unbearable”.

The new cannon, a Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000, can get through its 9,000 litres of water in just five minutes on ‘quick wash’, with the water kept at a constant 5C to “safeguard the health of protesters and protect delicate woollens.” Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order

New driving test to include mental apeshit crazy drinking contest

reversing

Reversing round corners still a tricky manoeuvre

Following the opening of Wetherspoon’s pubs at all motorway service stations, the Driving Standards Agency has announced that the UK driving test will be changed to include a ‘lager and vodka shots’ drinking contest.

The driving test has changed format over the years, for example with the addition of vehicle safety questions and the Hazard Perception Test, but this is the first time that candidates will be penalised for not being hardcore enough to drink ten pints of Stella in thirty minutes. Continue reading

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Newlywed sues vicar because it wasn’t explained that her wedding would result in marriage

bride and bridegroom

“Till Marriage Us Do Part”

When blushing bride, Chantel Meth-Davies, arrived at a tranquil country church for her wedding with David Brooke, she had no idea that less than an hour later she would be married, according to an extraordinary law suit launched today.

“No one said I would be married by the end of the service,” said Ms Meth-Davies, 25, who refuses to use her married name. “I just wanted a nice wedding with flowers, my friends and a party to celebrate my relationship with Dave, not marriage.”

“When we visited the vicar to book the church, she never once mentioned that I would end up married,” Chantel complained. “She ran on and on about Holy Matrimony and all that when we first visited her, but I just assumed that the usual load of religious mumbo jumbo that they go in for.” Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Religion

BBC find their new ‘Trigger’

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Following the passing of Roger Lloyd-Pack, the BBC have announced they have already found a replacement for Trigger in the Sports Relief Only Fools and Horses episode due later this year.

“We were looking for some who could portray a character that is very popular despite being a bit dim” the BBC said in a statement.

“It was at that point David Beckham walked in a started peeing in a plant pot in the corner of the room before washing his hands on Nicholas Lindhurst.” Continue reading

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Rosetta spacecraft wakes up half a billion miles away and asks ‘did I leave the gas on?’

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A spacecraft that has been in hibernation and is half a billion miles away has ‘woken up’ and made contact with the European Space Agency asking “did I leave the gas on”.

The Rosseta spacecraft left the earth in 2004 and was put to sleep 31 months ago to conserve energy, but all its time in hibernation it has had a niggling feeling it may not have turned the gas off.

“It woke up late Monday afternoon,” Gerhard Schwehm, mission manager for Rosetta, said. “We sent messages to check the equipment but it just replied ‘oh bugger’.”

“A quick check showed that the gas had been left on as well as the landing light. With energy prices constantly rising since 2004, the cost of the project to land a craft on a moving asteroid has now doubled.”

However, the extortionate bills are the least of the teams problems. Whilst catching up on the last 31 months the spacecraft has had to deal with news of Jimmy Savile’s death and subsequent discoveries, the horse meat scandal, and finding out Russell Brand is now seen as a credible political voice.

“It could just about handle all that,” Schwehm continues, “but ithas decided to shut back down and crash into the sun after being told Jim Davidson was back on television.”

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Filed under Intergalactic News, International News, News, science

Village’s ‘3D printer’ finishes jumper

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With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.

“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.

“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”

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Internet-connected fridge found watching porn, ordering pizza

scaryfridge

Oh God, not that!

Following reports of an internet-connected fridge being caught sending out spam emails, another fridge has been discovered taking advantage of its online capability by ordering takeaway pizza and watching pornography late into the night.

The device, an LG Chillmaster 4000, is one of the new generation of fridges which have access to the internet, although what this could be used for has not been clear until now.

Security firm Proofpoint were investigating a recent virus attack which has compromised media PCs and smart TV sets when they raided a private house in the UK village of Harold, expecting to find the hacker responsible. Instead, they burst in on the large silver fridge slumped in a corner of the kitchen, surrounded by empty beer bottles, doors akimbo and “acting in a threatening manner.” Continue reading

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God blames Ukip for flood of stupidity

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God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.

God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.

In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading

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Lord McAlpine sues again after BBC accuse him of being dead

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The BBC have found themselves in hot water again with Lord McAlpine after incorrectly announcing he was dead. The announcement is thought by some to be a knee jerk reaction to criticism they failed to cover the death of Elvis properly in the 1970s.

“We would like to apologise to Lord McAlpine for accusing him of being dead,” the director General said. “He can rest assured he will be getting a large payment usually reserved for sacked employees. Again.”

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Putin welcomes Eastern Asians; “Just leave the dogs alone.”

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Following on from his comments that gay people can “feel free in your relationship but leave the children alone”, man of the world and Russian president Vladimir Putin has been rolling out the rainbow carpet to all people from all over the Globe.

“I would like to extend the strong yet moisturised manly hand of friendship to everyone,” Putin told media.
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Hayley will come a cropper – Corri chiefs rule out Downton-like cure for soap star

"A reprieve?? ............ oh!"

“Hurrah, a reprieve!” ………………………… “oh!”

Despite an intense campaign from viewers, ITV executives have confirmed that Coronation Street’s Hayley Cropper, currently suffering from terminal cancer and the centre of an assisted suicide storyline will not be given an eleventh hour reprieve.

The news will come as a bitter blow to devoted fans who had hoped that the popular character might receive a miracle cure, similar to that of Downton Abbey’s Matthew Crawley, who staggeringly not only regained the use of his legs after a WWI shell blast, but also had a genital transplant enabling him to father an heir to the Downton millions. Continue reading

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National celebrations as England nearly win

englandwinners

We did it! Nearly!

The United Kingdom was united in joy today as the England cricket team nearly won a match against the Australians.

Little was expected of the brave England team at Brisbane’s Gabba ground today, but few could have expected them to achieve it so easily. Continue reading

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Ohio praised for finding inventive new ways to execute people

newmachine

High-texecution!

After running out of the usual drugs used in lethal injections, Ohio officials were forced this week to improvise the latest execution using nothing more than common kitchen ingredients and a large turkey baster.

Pharmaceutical companies have started to realise that their reputations can actually sink even lower, and have stopped supplying drugs used in executions. This has had the unfortunate effect of inconveniencing US states in a hurry to off criminals before they can appeal, with the result that officials are having to find ever more elaborate and inventive ways of killing their fellow citizens. Continue reading

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“Keep your money in a sock”: Miliband outlines plans for banking reform

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The more wealthy among us can also use the Royal Bank of Mattress

In a speech at the University of London later on today, Labour leader Ed Miliband will criticise the current culture of banks being too big to fail and outline his plans for financial reform, a key part of which being that everyone should simply keep their money in a sock until this whole mess blows over. Continue reading

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Australian Open weather reporting reaches record high

Some tennis also being played

Some tennis also being played

Reporting of the weather at the Australian Open reached a new high today with the extremely high temperatures being mentioned 44 times during a single match, the fourth time that the previous record has been broken during this tournament.

Before this year the record stood at 27 mentions of the weather in one match, during a thunder storm at the 2010 tournament, but soaring weather references have seen that record broken on each day of the 2014 event so far. Continue reading

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John Virgo living under a bridge

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist's impression of what he will look like next year

Virgo 10 years ago, 2 years ago and an artist’s impression of what he will look like next year

The BBC has revealed today that the ever more shabby appearance of presenter John Virgo is due to the snooker commentator having been spending most of his time living under a bridge over the last year.

“John’s appearance was never the smartest even during his playing days, where the waistcoat was always offset by the beard, but we had become increasingly concerned over the last couple of years as he deteriorated ever further. So we approached him a few months ago to ensure that everything was ok.” confirmed a spokesman for the BBC, Continue reading

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