More and more of us are basing our dimensions on seals then not even bothering to go swimming.
A village initiative to address the obesity crisis was yesterday marred by violence.
“People are too damn fat,” said Harold mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the more fat people there are the more it looks normal. Being so fat you could be melted down and used to remake all four of the Beatles is not normal.” Continue reading
Filed under Health
Kim settles down at the Rovers.
The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.
According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
Duncan Smith and his shadow. That’s our ‘is vampire’ theory blown.
Iain Smith is today recovering in hospital having had a major operation. The surgery to remove the final traces of his compassion is believed to be the first of its kind.
“Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to St Mary’s Hospital, Westminster last night after complaining of feeling unwell,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “It is believed he saw a picture of a rough sleeper that was used to illustrate a report on the rise in homelessness and instead of laughing as he normally would felt a brief twinge of concern.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Just give it time…
Wimbledon organisers are preparing for the end of an era this fortnight, as looming independence for Scotland has the unintended effect that everyone’s favourite joke about Andy Murray may not work any more.
The traditional “Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish” joke has been sighted every year since the plucky Scotsman first began losing at Wimbledon. The joke is a clever play on the fact that prior to losing, Murray is often referred to in the media as ‘British’, but after being defeated he is likely to be labelled ‘Scottish’, which is so amusing that pointing it out never gets tiresome.
It is traditional to wait several minutes after Murray is knocked out of Wimbledon before posting the joke on Facebook. Over the last few years, the joke has been ingeniously tweaked and subtly twisted to maintain its freshness, as seen in recent outings: “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2012), “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2011) and “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2010). Continue reading
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Filed under Sport
Still a better leader than David Cameron
As the referendum gets closer a new poll has revealed a surprise swing in voter intention. A poll carried out for the Evening Harold by ICM shows that 67% of Scots are intending to vote for independence from England but would welcome joining Westeros as Eighth Kingdom.
“Scotland is small,” said one voter who was polled. “Once independent we will need allies and trade. It would also be nice to wear cloaks in the winter and not be laughed at.”
Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
The only people less fond of peace than Tony Blair
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Filed under International News
Depressed: Pertinax has been unable to face the world since it happened
Local dog, Pertinax, is threatening to sue the BBC for defamation of character after being slurred on Newsnight.
“I was enjoying watching Jeremy Paxman’s last show,” Pertinax told us from the house he allows the Thorvald family to share with him having chosen them to take him away from a Dunstable cats and dogs home two years ago. “And it was all right, bit smug maybe but it was okay and then Paxman said it.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Ed Miliband: don’t feed him after midnight
Over 50% of Labour candidates standing for marginal seats at the next election already work in Westminster or are closely related to senior figures within the party. Labour’s refusal to acknowledge that other types of people exist and might be just as good at fiddling their expenses and eating bacon sandwiches as current MPs is seen by many as conclusive evidence that Ed Miliband is a Gremlin. Continue reading
They’re laughing, why aren’t you?
David Cameron has vented his frustration over the majority of the country not feeling the benefits of economic recovery. In a Cabinet Office meeting whose transcripts were subsequently leaked to The Evening Harold the Prime Minister ranted against what he perceives as “profound ingratitude from the masses.” Continue reading
Filed under Economy
With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.
“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.
Pretty straight guy
Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.
Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.
“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”
Filed under International News, Politics, War
“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”
Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.
In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, Sport
USS George H.W Bush. America has ten of these things. Bit greedy, no?
President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.
“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News
It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.
There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News
Accurate representation of how worried the nation is about the missing Chancellor
Police launches are searching the Westminster stretch of the Thames for George Osborne who dived into the water while fooling around with House of Commons pals. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Together at last. Wonder if Jennifer Aniston is jealous?
Though his government have given her an honourary damehood William Hague is no closer to sleeping with Angelina Jolie.
“I don’t want to,” said the Foreign Secretary. “I totally respect her as woman and a human rights advocate and all that. Is she pretty? Can’t say I’ve noticed.”
“Ms Jolie is being rewarded for her campaigning for women’s rights,” Hague said. “I find it offensive that anyone would think that’s not true and that the real reasons are because she’s gorgeous, and a terribly unpopular government is seeking to sprinkle itself with stardust. That’s nonsense. We’re politicians, not bronies.”
Hague was last seen on his fourteenth pint of lager telling strangers he couldn’t see what all the fuss over Brad Pitt was about because women prefer shiny foreheads and warmongering to good looks.
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Filed under Entertainment
The baboon is on the left.
“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.” Continue reading
Will he ever go away? No, he will never go away
There was panic across the globe last night when Tony Blair slithered out from under his rock and demanded the chance to bring peace to Iraq.
“People say I did a bad job last time,” Blair said, “but that’s not true. What with the speaking engagements, consultancies and peace envoy duties I’ve gotten off the back of it I’ve made myself very rich indeed. Job well done say I.” Continue reading
Filed under International News
“Just a few finishing touches needed”
With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading
The English team is young but keen.
Unmentioned in the media a little known football tournament called the FIFA World Cup 2014 starts today in Sao Paulo. The contest, which lasts a month, will end with the winning team being given a Cadbury’s Creme Egg each and the opportunity to go on to reap lucrative commercial sponsorship deals worth in excess of £100.
England won the World Cup in 1966 however that achievement is now all but forgotten with that year being associated in most people’s minds with the birth of David Cameron.
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Filed under Sport
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