Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street
Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.
Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, Politics
A carrot
A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.
Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.
The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.
Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Business, Culture, News
Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?
A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.
“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.
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Filed under breaking news, International News, News, Travel
At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break
RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.
“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
“Nick! Nick! Nick!”
Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.
“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Exactly what everyone with a mental illness is like according to the Murdoch/Rothermere press
The village of Harold is at panic stations due to the revelations in the media that taking your own life and those of 150 passengers by crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression.
“I never knew!” wailed Dominic Delaney on his break from working in his café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! “I was diagnosed with clinical depression six years ago and have been taking fluoxetine ever since. I’ve never felt the slightest urge to harm anyone but now I’ve read seen the headlines in today’s papers I realise that I am a monster who must be stopped.” Continue reading
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Filed under News
I’ll be off then…
Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision after studying opinion polls and talking to people.
Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.
“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015
Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit
Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.
“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”
Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.
“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”
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Filed under environment, floods, idiots, News, Weather
And cue human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria
Local priest, Rev Tansy Forster, has warned villagers that today’s solar eclipse is a sign that God just can’t be having with straight marriage.
“It’s abhorrent,” Rev Forster told us. “Look at the world: think of the stress and the debt fuelled by heterosexual couplings. And, worse, think of all the terrible pop songs. Today’s eclipse and the fact that it coincides with the Super Moon and Spring Equinox is a clear sign from the Almighty that these are the end times.” Continue reading
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Filed under science
We’ve never felt this strongly about anything
Cyberspace’s neediest puppy, Internet Explorer, is being killed off by Microsoft. Having lurked on desktops since 1995 begging the unwary to make it their default browser at the slightest, briefest click of attention, it will now join Netscape Navigator and All Your Base Are Belong To Us in the great internet file simply titled ‘meh – forgotten’. Continue reading
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Filed under Technology
So long and thanks for the drinks
Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.
A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”
Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading
The face of someone who’s been visited by the three ghosts but didn’t get the Christmas morning redemption
Stranger to reality and best friend to human rights abusing dictators the world over, Tony Blair, is to step back from his role as Peace Envoy in the Middle East. Citizens of Palestine and Israel have breathed a sigh of relief and spoken of a renewed belief in the process now it won’t be held back by the presence of a man who in the course of his political career has done as much for peace as Jack the Ripper did for feminism. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck
As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.
Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness, TV
Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page
David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.
“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Entertainment, Politics
Hall and Oates are suing a cereal firm, claiming its ‘Turgid Shyte’ breakfast mix infringes their copyright.
The case accuses the Tuneless Krap Foods Company of breaking the law with its “obvious play on Daryl Hall and John Oates’ well-known musical style”.
‘Turgid Shyte’ is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a “back-to-basics flavour with all the empty pomposity of bland middle-of-the-road Eighties soul-lite”.
Hall and Oates started working together in the early 1970s, and have become one of the most successful duos in pop history.
Their hits include Maneater, I Can’t Go for That (No Rice Krispies), and Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters.
The duo protects its brand identity vigorously, and only recently forced a cigarette company to stop using the brand “Middle-Aged Waankers”
With the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.
A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Pure, white and deadly. You’ll live longer if you stop eating it but you’ll be lonely without all the friends you bored to death by constantly wilfing on about how you quit.
Scientists are warning today that giving up sugar can lead to dangerous levels of smugness and isolation.
“We’re seeing more and more incidences of someone quitting sugar and then taking to Facebook to continually brag about their achievement and patronisingly urge everyone else to do the same,” said Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest. “The most hopeless cases are also posting lots of selfies with captions like #betterthanever and #postiveaboutme which family and friends find uncomfortable to witness. Especially if up until a few days ago the poster was the sort of person who would frequently try to eat their own body weight in pizza and whose only exercise was brushing their teeth a bit hard.” Continue reading
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Filed under Health
How the Palace of Westminster will look by July if we don’t all stump up some serious coin.
Like the principles of its incumbents the Palace of Westminster will soon be abandoned, as a study has revealed it to be rotten, hopelessly outdated and not fit for purpose insert own ‘just like most MPs’ comment here.
Commons Speaker John Bercow said in a speech that Parliament could move from the building permanently “unless management of the very highest quality and a not inconsequential sum of public money are deployed” putting the figure at £3bn. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Officials in the revenue protection department of Croydon Borough Council have been reminiscing about their former colleague Mohammed Emwazi who has been identified as vicious ISIS killer Jihadi John.
“Quite simply, Mo was the most successful traffic warden we ever had,” said his former boss, Eric Braithwaite. “He zealously carried out his duties with a fervour that bordered upon fanaticism which did wonders for the Council coffers.”
“Mo had a hypnotic glint in his eye which made motorists generously hand over cash far in excess of any incurred parking penalties,” he continued. “Of course, he realised that he wasn’t universally popular, which was apparently the reason he always carried a machete. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News
Venue has agreed to install a ramp
The UK has become a brutally sadistic society in which the height of entertainment is the desperate sight of an elderly lady falling over, it was revealed last night.
Millions of British citizens who would have claimed to be kind-hearted were openly mocking the misfortune of someone old enough to be their grandmother who did nothing more than stumble in unfamiliar surroundings.
Madonna, 94, a veteran of two world wars and the sole remaining person alive to have met Napoleon, had a fall at a youngsters’ ball last night, surrounded by a group of dancing people who seemed happy to pretend nothing had happened.
“It is sad, very sad,” despaired Albert Renfrew, Professor of Sociology at the University of Harold. “In a country where we ostensibly care for our old people, we are happy to laugh at Madonna falling on her arse like a sack of hammers.”
“If people in their nineties can’t strip down to their underwear, pretend to be culturally relevant and marry teenagers, then I don’t know what we’re coming to. Mind you, it was fucking hilarious, wasn’t it?”
A spokesperson from the charity Age Concern pointed out that cuts to the Winter Fuel Allowance were probably the reason that Madonna had taken to wearing a cape in the first place, and called on concerned citizens to send her their old blankets.
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Filed under charity, Nostalgia, Showbusiness
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