Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Close deaths of Ruth Rendell and PD James spark police murder probe

RendellThe death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.

“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.

“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Obituary, Police

Jaded nation begs for election to be induced

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Even our pets have run out of rats arses to give

Unable to take the endless speculation and media blah a moment longer voters in the UK are begging for the general election to be induced.

“It’s really doing my head in,” said villager Janet Holmes. “There’s no escaping the constant guessing about what the next government will be and what name the Prime Minister will have. Who cares? There’s been governments before, this one’s got less novelty value than a packet of everyday value sliced ham. I hope the new government is healthy, of course I do, but beyond that I don’t give a toss. I wish they’d induce it today and be done with it.” Continue reading

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Nigel Farage seeks endorsement from Alf Garnett

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He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.

Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.

“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading

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Ed Balls is safe and will be released after the Election

Barred from the election campaign

Barred from the election campaign

Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.

“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.” Continue reading

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‘We’re good for love and healing energy, now please send money’ explains Nepal

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If it’s no trouble

The people of Nepal have explained that while they are very grateful for the thoughts and prayers of Facebook readers, now would be a really good time to send money as well.

Rivalry is growing intense between Christians, Buddhists and Pagans to send prayers, love and dreamcatchers  to the disaster area, but teams on the ground are adamant that food, tents and the funds to buy these are in much shorter supply.

“It’s true that money isn’t everything,” admitted Prime Minister Sushil Koirala. “Helicopters would also be particularly useful. The point we’re making is that we have heartfelt prayers up the wazoo, to be honest.”

“Same for yoga mantras, frankly. We do appreciate the chanting, but we’d be even more excited if you sent out search and rescue teams, maybe some food parcels.”

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Again, we hate to be any trouble…

 

“My heart is breaking over Nepal. In a perfect world I’d be out there now helping,” lamented obese IT help-desk bloke Tony, 35. “I’ve been sitting here praying so hard every lunchtime, I’ve hardly had time to eat – for me, no personal sacrifice is too great.”

“Ironically I’ve saved loads of money through not going out to the pub at midday,” he continued. “I’m thinking of getting a new sofa.”

Upon hearing this, Koirala rolled his eyes only slightly before asking: “Could you at least send us the sofa?”

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Filed under International News

CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance

cameron with wine

“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”

Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeman  later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.

“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”

“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics, Sport

Pensioners warned of cold calling con-artists with Westminster accents

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“I would happily have you boiled down and sold for glue.”

Local police have warned against scam artists using condescending accents after receiving a spate of complaints.

“There have been several cases of plausible individuals door-stepping pensioners in the area”, said PC Flegg. “They appear uninvited, sometimes following an unsolicited brochure, email or telephone call.”

“Having made contact, they then apply pressure to take up an offer, saying it’s only available for a short period of time. They’re clever and convincing, but the old adage applies: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
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David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

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Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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Filed under Election 2015, Lifestyle

Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight

fishandchipsHarold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.

Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.

“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”

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Filed under breaking news, Health, News

Get your tits in for the girls: shirtless men ordered to stop wandering streets

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Shirtless blokes, this is not what you look like

The village council has passed a new law ordering men to cover-up when mooching around during the heatwave on account of no one wanting to be confronted by shirtless horror while innocently trying to do a little shopping.

“The High Street isn’t the beach,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the garden of the Squirrel Lickers is not the gym. Villagers have the right to be about their business without having moobs, scrawn, fur, horrible tattoos, spots, and distressing combinations of all five shoved in their faces with all the force and grotesqueness of Katie Hopkins’ opinion on migrants crossing the Med.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Weather

African people: a pictorial guide

What Katie Hopkins thinks they are:

cockroaches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Nigel Farage thinks they are: Continue reading

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Filed under Uncategorized

McLaren F1 announces new AA sponsorship

button aa

The AA managed to perform a tyre change in under 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Jenson Button is delighted with the performance of his Honda Civic powered McLaren F1 car and the new AA sponsorship. “The AA has made me a priority case. If they can’t fix the car track-side within 30 minutes they’ll tow me back to the pits. Which will help save fuel and be good for my lap times too.”

The AA link-up is new for Button but he has a long history with Honda, having been blessed by their previous F1 effort until 2008. “When Honda quit, the team had a small party then lashed together a new car with Mercedes power, which sadly won me the 2009 title.”

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“We’ll give the Tories a heart and Labour a brain”: Lib Dems in shocking journey to Oz

clegg

There’s no denyin’ he’s just a dandylion

The launch of the Liberal Democrat manifesto ended in chaos earlier today when Nick Clegg revealed that he believes himself to be running for office not in England but in Oz.

Looking fetching in a lion costume Clegg said that the Lib Dems should be part of a new coalition government as they would “add a heart to a Conservative government and add a brain to a Labour one“. Continue reading

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All guns no butter: Ukip’s manifesto believes in 1950s Britain

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The good old days, apparently.

Ukip will give the nation a bloody good laugh today by launching a manifesto that’s as up-to-date as an episode of Dad’s Army. Relying heavily on the banhammer it, of course, would ban UK involvement in European politics but also ban the Department of Energy and Climate Change, green subsidies and the Department for Culture Media and Sport because these are complicated and Ukip basically just likes tanks. Continue reading

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Tories deny new ghetto creation policy will create ghettos

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David Cameron’s kids are growing up here…

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…yours can grow up here.

David Cameron will today announce that the millions of people renting privately who have no chance of buying their own home can go **** themselves as the Tories plan on extending the right to buy and selling off 1.3 million housing association properties at a huge discount. Continue reading

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Police to probe Miliband stabbing claims

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

Appropriate use of an NHS blanket?

The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.

In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed  the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.

“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.” Continue reading

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Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

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Leaders’ debate: who won on socks?

sox

Mmmmmm. Socks

While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.

Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.

Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.

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Filed under Election 2015, Media, Politics, TV

Fire raging under London will continue until Jeremy Clarkson is back on Top Gear, says God

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London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.

A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.

“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading

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Death of Beatle wife, Joni Lennon

"We couldn't work it out"

“We couldn’t work it out”

The death of John Lennon’s first wife, Joni marks the end of an era when the Beatle WAGS – Joni, Jane, Patti and the other one – were almost as famous as the Fab Four themselves.

However the glamorous life was not for Joni. Although the sixties were swinging all around her, Joni spent much of the time miserably hiding from the limelight due to an unusual aversion to citrus fruit.

Although Joni often said her Beatle husband had never written her a soppy love song, it is believed that he wrote “She’s so Heavy” towards the end of her first pregnancy when Joni was expecting their son, Julian. The couple went on to have 3 more children together – Dick, George, and Anne – before he left her for Japanese artist Yo! Sushi. Continue reading

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Filed under Obituary, Showbusiness