Tag Archives: Cameron

Protesters set up fracking site on Cameron’s forehead

fracked-cameron
Protesters have surprised prime minister David Cameron by setting up a fracking site around his forehead.

“If he thinks it is OK for companies to frack on any area of wasteland regardless of people’s concerns, then he won’t mind us drilling the large expanse above his eyebrows” one of the protesters explained.

“As the tory peer Lord Howell said, it is fine to start drilling in ‘desolate’ areas with ‘plenty of room’. And after his loss to Ukip in the recent elections, he’ll be used to any earthquakes we cause in his cranium.”

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Labour now call for Cameron to ‘back’ Michael Gove

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With David Cameron’s unequivocal backing of Maria Miller leading to her resignation, The Labour Party are now calling on the Prime Minister also give his backing to Michael Gove.

“It’s in the whole country’s interest that Gove isn’t allowed anywhere near important education decisions,” Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman said.

“So to make sure he knows he is not trusted to be education secretary anymore we are asking the Prime Minister to make it perfectly clear, and give him his full backing.

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Cameron admits: ‘I would vote UKIP’

Cameron in love

Cameron ‘would be happy’ to share Number 10 with Farage.

With just days to go until a TV debate between Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that he ‘would be happy to vote UKIP’.

“UKIP’s beliefs are remarkably similar to those of the traditional tory voter”, explained Cameron. “But they focus on the beliefs we wouldn’t dare admit to.”

Anti-Europe, anti-immigration and anti-foreign aid, UKIP ‘is like catnip’ to many members of Cameron’s cabinet. “Obviously, in public we have to denounce all of UKIP’s awful, bigoted policies”, said William Hague. “But that doesn’t mean that in private, we can’t try and vote them in.”
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Concerns for Ed Miliband as he says PMQ’s is why public dislike politicians

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Concerns have been raised Labour leader Ed Miliband after he said he’s done a lot of thinking and decided it is Prime Minister’s Question’s that “subtracts from the reputation of politics” and definitely not the MPs expenses scandal, a proposed 11% pay rise, many MPs having six-figures salary directorships on the side, failed economic policies or their inability to put people before big businesses and banks.

Speaking on the BBC, Miliband said: “People can accept us selling half the country’s gold reserves at rock bottom prices and the coalition’s attack on the most vulnerable through welfare reform, but they just will not accept planted questions and the occasional joke at PMQ’s.
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Kim Jong-un accused of visiting UK flood victims just for a photo opportunity

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Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.

“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
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UK government to solve Gibraltar crisis through privatisation.

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With the on-going dispute with Spain over the sovereignty of Gibraltar slowly turning into an expensive chest beating exercise, the British Government has revealed plans to reduce the cost of constant complaints to the EU.

“This tit-for-tat argument is costing British tax payers a fortune,” Prime Minister David Cameron explained. “That’s why we are going to privatise Gibraltar next Thursday.”
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Social mobility ‘still a problem in UK, thank heavens’, says Cameron

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Cameron enjoying a friendly word with a serf yesterday

David Cameron today agreed that huge steps would be needed to get people who are not white and middle class into top jobs, and spoke movingly of his great relief that there was no possibility of such steps being taken.

Mr Cameron, who went to Eton then Oxford, was speaking to reporters while riding his personal elephant on a short trip checking the moat around his Chipping Norton country estate. Continue reading

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‘Does my brain look big in this wig?’ Appeal Court Judges land live TV show

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Audience will be the judge of that.

Appeal Court Judges have landed a deal for a six-part series, to be broadcast live this autumn.  The deal follows a successful pilot episode called ‘Cameron v The Queen’ which went out live last Thursday afternoon.

Harold’s own well-loved resident actor Digby Burns, who describes himself as ‘currently laid up with a bad back,’ had the privilege of being one of those watching the pilot and has kindly written a review for the Evening Harold for a few quid to tide him over.  As a regular extra on Midsomer Murders, Mr Burns knows a thing or two about acting, especially falling flat on his face in the mud with a knife in his back.  “I’ve played that part many times for the opening credits sequence,” he said, “and the director is an absolute perfectionist.   I did 26 takes last time before she was satisfied.”
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Village to employ ex-Nazi to help with badger cull

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With the trial cull of badgers over, the company charged with ‘taking the badgers out’ have asked for some more time as their marksmen were not as good as they thought.

If more badgers are to be executed then there has been a suggestion that they should be gassed, an idea that has led the council in Harold to ask for the services of an ex-Nazi officer.
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Larry the cat admits ‘I’m not that keen on the Camerons either’

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Larry the cat, 10 Downing Street’s failed rat-catcher, has hit back at reports that he is not liked claiming he never really liked the Camerons anyway.

“We are from totally different backgrounds” Larry told cat trade paper, ‘Meows of the World’. “He was born into a family of millionaires and had the best education money could buy. I, on the other paw, was abandoned in London as a kitten and then put up for adoption.”

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Russia accuse British man of storing chemical weapons

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In his latest attempt to further undermine the west, Vladimir Putin has accused a British man of storing and using ‘chemical weapons’. The charge is laid at the door of television advert personality, and cleaning enthusiast Barry Scott.

The Russian leader alleges Cillit Bang products have a cleaning power that is only matched by sarin and other nerve agents. However the suggestion that ‘Lime and Grime’ can be used for kitchen, bathroom and ethnic cleansing have been strongly denied by Mr Scott.

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As PM says parliament ‘must make some tough choices’, Nick Clegg wonders which cheek to slap first

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by | September 5, 2013 · 8:58 am

Oh what a lovely drawer: PM carries out hostile invasions of private spaces to cheer self up

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After a tough week for David Cameron, he has now found himself being criticised in his own home. Samantha Cameron has thrown the prime minister out of their flat in Downing Street and told him to come back when he has grown up and stopped sulking.

The move from ‘Sam Cam’ follows a weekend of the prime minister ‘invading’ different parts of the apartment in a bid to appease his own conscience.

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Pencil making a check sign in a round cornered box. Isolated on white.

Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.

In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.

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GCSE exams to be graded using ‘smileys’ :(

Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale

Gove shows of smileys from both ends of the scale

After much debate over the future grading of GCSEs, the decision has been taken to move the marks into the 21st century. Scrapping the old A* to G system, and ignoring the 8 to 1 grading that has recently been proposed, Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced exams will now by marked using the Smiley Grading System.

With grades going from 😀 at the top end, down to 🙁 for those who have done less well, the visual representation will be easier for future employers to understand, and also gives a gentle way of informing less bright kids that they have proven themselves to be a bit thick. Continue reading

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Cameron and Putin call for Syrian peace with straight faces.

Leaders praised for either having the world's best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony

Leaders praised for either having the world’s best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony

British Prime Minister, David Cameron and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have said although a meeting between the pair may have highlighted the ‘huge difference’ between their approaches to Syria, they both shared the same goal of ‘ending the killing’ in the country.

Mr Cameron, who was one of the loudest voices for ending the arms embargo on Syria, told the joint press conference that the situation could only be resolved through political and diplomatic means.

This was a view shared by his Russian counterpart. Mr Putin, who has armed the Syrian government with advance anti-aircraft missiles, believes getting all parties around the negotiating table was important. However the Russian did say that both the Syrian rebels and government force had ‘blood on their hands’, which may open the door for some lucrative cleaning product contracts. Continue reading

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UK Government ready to release Lib Dem detainees

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”

Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”

The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
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Councillor defends sudden holiday, despite house being on fire

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Still in control, at 30,000 feet

Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.

Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.

“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
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