Elderly shop assistant Elsie Duggan had the shock of her life yesterday when she discovered a family of illegal migrants hidden in a crate of bananas.
“Oooh it was horrible,” she said, still trembling at the memory. “Almost as soon as I ripped open the case, they started to force their way out and scattered to all corners. There were loads of them. I’m amazed that they could move so fast after being cooped up in there so long. There were arms and legs everywhere!” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Politics
Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.
BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.
Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.
Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.
“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
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Filed under Motoring, Technology
Gove frowns on abuse of the key trust system.
Justice secretary Michael Gove has announced that once a prison smoking ban is introduced, inmates will be allowed to light up outside.
Prisons are currently exempt from restrictions on smoking indoors, but this could be reversed to safeguard the health of prison officers.
“Just like nurses and office workers, prison customers will have to go just outside the main entrance if they want to smoke”, said Gove. “The ones I’ve spoken to seemed surprisingly open to the idea.”
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Could you just spoon with us and tell us that everything’s going to be all right?
As current events seem to more and more resemble the nastier bits of a Brueghel painting, the entire world has decided to give up, stick its head in the sand, and simply concentrate on Kit Harington’s hair from now on.
The actor’s tremendous locks are generating an increasing amount of headlines as everyone clings to news of its length and whereabouts as the only thing they can understand in these dark and confusing times. Continue reading
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Filed under Showbusiness
Angry woman no match for PC Flegg’s tazer
The woman, who has not been named, is reported to have claimed that she mistook the young family for another couple she knew and their “latest brat” and swerved away the moment she realised her mistake.
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Filed under Royals
One of the maniacs who expressed an opinion.
A handful of Labour MPs have caused widespread disgust after voting in parliament in line with their principles.
Supply leader Harriet Harman had urged her MPs not to vote on welfare reforms, because doing so might make them unpopular with traditional tory voters.
“It’s those conservative voters that Labour needs to appeal to in future”, said Harman. “We’re not going to get far if we listen to the little voice inside that says ‘this is wrong, we should object to this with every fibre of our being’.”
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Filed under Politics
A local Harold chimney sweep says it was purely a coincidence he was hosting a class of 9 year olds for ‘Bring a Kid to Work’ day on the same day he had a number of extremely narrow chimneys to clean.
“People can believe what they want, but the truth is I had completely forgotten I was due to clean the exceptionally narrow chimneys on the terraced row on Gluggle Street” said Little Scamps owner Ernie Evans. “After all, those Gluggle chimneys were last cleaned in 2012 when I hosted room 4 for the 100th anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death, so it’s not surprising it slipped my mind.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Children
If you have to ask whether or not Mister Superpaws is racist, you’re part of the problem
It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.
“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.” Continue reading
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The young Queen in more innocent times, enjoying a nazi salute with ‘Uncle Rupert’
Buckingham Palace has been forced to defend the Queen after it emerged that pictures of Her Majesty had been published in The Sun newspaper, owned by the evil tyrant Rupert Murdoch.
Members of the public were shocked today to find out that Queen Elizabeth had appeared in the reviled pages of the detested publication, forcing palace officials to hastily issue a statement insisting that the appearance of the photograph was an innocent event which had been blown out of all proportion.
“The photograph was taken a long time ago,” claimed a spokesperson, “When many people just didn’t realise how evil The Sun really was. Being a naive 89-year-old, the Queen simply didn’t understand what it meant to be linked to Rupert Murdoch, and we would like to assure everyone that she is not, and has never been, a grubby far-right bucket of sleaze. There are plenty of other people in the royal family to take care of all that.” Continue reading
I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.
Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.
The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, Civil rights, DWP, Fashion, Movies, Politics, Uncategorized
Squirrel also assaulted PC Flegg.
A pub in Harold has been vandalised by a ‘drunk squirrel’, which went on to clone a credit card and watch pornography.
The incident was discovered by the landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, after he returned from a mushroom exploring course in the woods.
“Yeah, it was definitely a squirrel, and it was off its head”, said Eddie. “The little scamp had eaten all the peanuts, and accidentally knocked a beer tap to ‘on’.”
“Then it apparently opened a bottle of wine, using its little squirrel hands to operate a cork screw. And then it made an electronic copy of my credit card, and watched some appalling filth.”
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This is how much I value doctors
Doctors’ trade union, the BMA is confused by Jeremy Hunt’s call for a 7 day service “We expected Mr Hunt to take much longer to reduce the scope of the NHS” said BMA chair Dr Mark Porter today “but we’re hoping the 7 days are in the winter, excluding Christmas & New Year”.
Hunt is generally pleased with the number of doctors baling out of the NHS or retiring early but thinks there is more he can do. Continue reading
For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket
For sale, any reasonable offer considered.
Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.
Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.
Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.
Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.
Interested? Then contact:
Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
City Hall
London SE1 2AA
(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)
Filed under Advertisments, Law and Order, Politics
‘White Neck’ can also lick his own gentiles.
A number of late-night dog walkers have been blessed against their will, by the notorious Feral Vicar of Harold.
Known to locals simply as ‘White Neck’, but probably Nigel Rollins who went missing in 1987, the vicar has left a reddy trail of cheap wine across the playground, particularly on and around the swings.
White Neck was raised by a pack of fallow Rabbis as a child, who found him abandoned after a kite crash in the municipal gardens.
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This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger
Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.
“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading
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A brave local amateur astronomer who has captured his best ever photograph of demoted planet Pluto following a hazardous mission, has claimed the risks of clambering onto a dustbin in the middle of the night for a better view were well worth taking.
“Despite the risks, I’m delighted with the photographs,” Gerald Snoad said last night after coming out of a ten day period quarantine as a precaution against deep space contamination. “It just goes to show what you can do with some meticulous planning.”
“I believe my photos have captured the loneliness of Pluto, which is essentially an insignificant dot on the horizon, just beyond the Dunstable by-pass.”
It could so easily have been different. The successful space shot was almost aborted when the council delivered a new wheelie bin to Mr Snoad’s Harold based mission control HQ. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Intergalactic News, science
Is that one for the conservatory? Or the suitcase under the bed?
A space probe has revealed that the dwarf planet Pluto is 35% window keys, and could contain up to 700,000 tonnes of phone chargers.
“For years now, scientists have been searching for the universe’s ‘missing mass'”, revealed NASA’s Chuck Weiner.
“So far we’ve looked in a fruit bowl, the last place we had it, and that drawer in the kitchen with the instructions for resetting the clock on the microwave.”
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Filed under science
“oopsie.”
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has been greeted as a ‘true European’, after entirely ignoring the will of his people.
Despite a referendum vote to reject a punitive settlement, Tsipras agreed to a more punitive one so that some Germans would like him.
“This is exactly what the European Union is all about”, said EU president Claude Juncker. “We ask the people, and then we listen to the banks.”
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His nostrils follow you round the room
Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.
The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.
Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.
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Filed under breaking news, Intergalactic News, science
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