The second symbol is wildly optimistic.
Members of ISIS have been freely communicating with each other, using an obsolete network known as ‘Google+’.
The terrorists resorted to the awkward means of communication, to avoid detection by US authorities.
“It was completely under our radar”, said the CIA’s Chuck Brady. “The fact it isn’t encrypted in the slightest really threw us a curveball.”
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A single crate of sun cream can protect a ginger Glaswegian for up to 45 minutes
The RAF have carried out aid drops of high-factor sun cream to ensure ginger tourists in Sharm el-Sheikh are protected from the sun until they can be brought home.
Urgent action was taken after Nicola Sturgeon highlighted that there were at least 700 Scots, many of who will be pale and ginger, among the Brits stranded in the region. Continue reading
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The recall will involve a new electronic component and a bucket of water.
Following a recall to fix unwanted fires, Metropolitan police have apologised for leaving Vauxhall Zafiras near protesters.
Vauxhall are recalling 22,000 of their cars to stop them bursting into flames, a fault that has already made anti-capitalist protesters in London appear more ‘bad-ass’.
“It’s completely unacceptable for the police to ‘petrol bomb’ us in this way”, said Anonymous supporter Brian Halls. “Although the recall also affects diesel models.”
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A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity
David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.
“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading
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Stuck here. Gutted.
The estimated 20,000 Brits who are stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh are doing their best to sound like they are not happy about the situation.
When interviewed for news reports tourists are muttering about ‘poor information’ and ‘not really knowing what’s going on’ while edging away, keen to get back to the bar of their all-inclusive resort before a queue forms. Continue reading
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You disgust me
New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.
The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading
What was supposed to be a weekend of luxury turned out to be 48 hours trapped in a slightly disappointing supermarket, thanks to a husband that couldn’t spell ‘Spar’.
Harold resident Pippa Delaney had been gifted the break by her partner Simon, to celebrate a ‘landmark’ birthday she’d recently lied about.
“Pippa is always going on about having a Spar break”, said Simon, “although she normally shops at Waitrose. I just assumed that she was being trendy, like that time she bought some Welsh wine in Lidl.”
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The device could cause asthma, and feelings of Christmas.
The environmental Protection Agency has discovered that VW deliberately concealed that their cars have fireplaces capable burning coal and wood.
A technician made the discovery while trying to put the clock back an hour, and in desperation, opened the glovebox to look for the handbook.
“It looked as though someone had plastered over it”, said the agency’s Gordon Evans. “Perhaps in an attempt to make it seem more modern.”
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“Votes, lovely votes. I’ll count the votes in…”
David Cameron’s main concern about the Chilcot report delay is being unable to learn its lessons.
“I mean, I can’t actually see a problem in launching air attacks in Syria” mused the PM to close friends today “But without Chilcot, it’s just impossible to know what might go wrong.”
“Then there’s the plus side. To see RAF jets – not the Red Arrows, proper ones – in action… ‘I counted them all out and I counted them all back’… Continue reading
Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
There’s a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn’t got any lights on
Advice to drivers to leave larger spaces between them and the car in front in thick fog has seen some BMWs backing off to up to seven inches from the car ahead of them.
With heavy fog covering much of Britain today, driving conditions have become difficult, but BMW drivers have done their bit by tailgating very, very slightly less aggressively, and leaving a gap big enough for a very small dog to squeeze through. Continue reading
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Fishing isn’t for everyone.
Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.
Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.
“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.
“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Medicine
When a man was seated next to a slightly similar-looking man on a flight to Galway, he immediately got giddy and shared a selfie with the world.
Little were the ‘pair’ to know but they were about to share something else: the most awkward flight conversation in history.
When I saw my doppelganger, I didn’t know what was going on”, said Neil Douglas. “So I took a picture, and made a massive fuss about the whole thing.”
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In a protest against the rampant commercialisation of Halloween, a vicar in Harold has dug her heels in and cracked open a number of graves.
“Some of the pricey tat in the high street wouldn’t spook even the most recently bereaved”, said Rev. Tansy Forster.
“But dig up their aunt, pop a tealight in their mouth, and you’ve got something terrifying for under a pound.” Continue reading
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“I was helping a charity to dig wells in Afghanistan but – foolishly – hadn’t shaved; out of respect for the local culture” explained Shaker Aemar, the last British resident held in Guantanamo Bay, now back in the UK.
“So really, I’ve only myself to blame for being locked up without evidence, charge or trial, from before my son was born 13 years ago.”
Mr Aemar is grateful to the free, rule-of-law countries which have kept the world safe from the risks he posed of beard-lice and freshly dug wells, since bounty-hunters hoiked him off a street and cashed him in with the US military in 2001. I was what they call a clear and present danger, thank goodness they got me in time.”
“It’s not only the good old US of A I’m obliged to” chuckled Aemar “The UK government has no plans to detain me either so I’ll have done no more than the equivalent of a 28 year jail sentence. Result!”
“I’ve learned my lesson though” he added “Someone at UK immigration today suggested I might shave my beard off for Children in Need, but I’m giving charity work a miss for the time being.”
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‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading
Where’s Tony?
The ‘Maxwellisation’ process which has delayed the Chilcot Iraq War enquiry will mainly involve throwing former Prime Minister Tony Blair from a yacht, it emerged today.
The process, named after the practical measures taken in disposing of evil megalomaniac Robert Maxwell, involves the ‘accidental’ drowning and/or disappearance at sea of a person too unpleasant to deal with in any other way.
Blair’s reluctance to be weighted down and hurled into the ocean is believed to be one reason behind the extreme delay in finishing the enquiry.
“People are blaming me,” explained enquiry chief Sir John Chilcot, “But they don’t realise the time it takes to persuade a man like Blair that everyone would be better off if he was just tied up and dropped into a large body of water. I’m doing my best.”
At first it was hoped that the former Prime Minister would consent to being strapped to a pile of bricks and dropped into the North Atlantic, but after negotiation with his advisers this punishment was reduced to being gently pushed into the warmer waters five miles off Antibes in the Mediterranean.
Hopes that Blair could be weighed down with the broken dreams of a million dead Iraqis were deemed to be more poetic than practical.
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But is it rubbish?
Cleaners at a museum in Italy were left red-faced today after mistakenly leaving a huge pile of mess from a party, after mistaking it for a modern art installation.
The empty champagne bottles, confetti and pieces of paper did look like a confronting modern exhibit meant to represent the decadence of 1980s Italy, characterised by hedonism and consumerism, but were in fact merely a pile of old crap. Continue reading
“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”
The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.
Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off. Continue reading
Just down the corridor you say?
Leading Tory MPs were shocked yesterday, by news that a second chamber of parliament exists, up some steps, round a corner and down the corridor from their own.
Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons, said it was the first he’d heard of the House of Lords but he’d go round and punch some people’s lights out, as long as he can put a set of knuckle-dusters on expenses.
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