Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons
Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.
“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading
Armed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.
With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
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Filed under Entertainment, News
“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”
The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.
With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.
“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading
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Filed under Children, News, Tory sex scandal
The new Samsung Note 7 phone, shortly before recall
Samsung’s military equipment division has announced an emergency recall of its latest SG-7 model hand grenade after users reported that the devices failed to explode under normal operating conditions.
After reports of phones and washing machines bursting into flames, the hand grenades are believed to be the only current Samsung product which does not explode. Users have reported holding the grenades in their hands without incurring severe burns, and no enemy soldiers have been killed by exploding shrapnel.
An English mercenary fighting in an unnamed African country expressed his disappointment that the new product failed unexpectedly.
“I was taking part in a coup against a democratically-elected President,” he explained, “When I lobbed a new Samsung grenade into a machine gun emplacement guarding the government buildings. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly didn’t explode. It just bounced off the guy’s head and rolled into the gutter – I felt a right idiot.”
“Luckily the detachable stylus came loose and speared him through the eye, causing instant death. I always wondered what it was for.”
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Filed under News
Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do
Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.
Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading
Filed under Royals
Philip Hammond. It’s okay, we know you’ll have forgotten his name by the end of this sentence.
“It’s nonsense,” said badly reanimated cadaver of the male teacher who scared you the most, Philip Hammond. “At a time of austerity, asking that workers should earn enough to live on is economic suicide. And wages to buy food? Can’t they all eat cake?” the baffled multi-millionaire asked. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Labour MPs who attempted to topple Jeremy Corbyn achieved a victory of sorts after the Guinness Book of Records recognised them for conducting the world’s worst political coup.
Guinness World Records spokesman Jamie Clarke said the benchmark for disastrous coups was Operation Valkyrie where the plotters both failed to assassinate Adolf Hitler and got themselves all hung like cattle from piano wire. But the Corbyn coup was a worthy new record holder for its sheer sustained ineptitude and for it so spectacularly achieving the opposite result to that intended.
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Strangely familiar
Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.
Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.
“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”
George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”
Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.
George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.
Filed under Entertainment, News, TV
Pretty straight to the heart
Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.
“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.
“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”
“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”
“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”
When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.
“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”
Filed under Politics, Tony Blair, War
You’re nicked!
A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.
In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.
“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.
“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”
“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”
A whiff of Alan B’stard, do you think?
Deeply unattractive people, of the kind that you’d cross a busy main road to avoid, now think that Voting Leave wasn’t daft enough, and are dead-set on making the process even more bloody awful than it has to be.
Dominic Raab, who wanted another referendum if his Vote Leave side had lost, is now as keen as mustard to make the situation as shitty as possible, as soon as possible, Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, referendum
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A RAFFLE TICKET, SIR?”
A seemingly wanton act of criminal damage may have been an over-exuberant attempt to raise funds for PCs down on their luck.
“Some Officers have to retire early after, say, accidentally attacking a member of the public or their property.” said Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Police
Life would be better if we all wore these while about our daily business (maybe not lifeboat crew members)
Clive Morris, Head Teacher at Harold Shining Future Academy and Technology Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive) has been vilified by parents for not sending pupils home for breaching the uniform policy.
Following a flood of stories in popular news publications about teaching staff removing jewellery from pupils and judging their trousers to be too tight, a group of parents gathered outside school to wait for their children to be sent out. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
Big sparkly git
An unrepentant 2016 says it may continue being an utter twat-puffin until the very last seconds of December 31st just for the hell of it.
“Am I the worst of the post-war years?” it mused. “Well maybe, although 1984 will always be in with a shout as that’s the year McCartney released the Frog Chorus.” Continue reading
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Filed under News
Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs
The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.
“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’
Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.
“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading
Filed under environment, News, Technology
Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.
The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.
“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading
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Filed under TV
After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again.
David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Rejoice for He is among us
There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
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