Category Archives: Politics

A survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.

The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.

David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”

Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.

Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”

The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”