Harry Potter author and marketing expert JK Rowling has said she intends to help the ‘Better Together’ campaign appeal to a broader range of people by wrapping it in a more adult wrapper.
“The trouble with the Yes campaign is they are looking at Britain as having an immature, childish and petty veneer,” Rowling explained.
“But if we wrap it a sleeker, more adult looking cover they may just get it.
Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.
A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.
With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.
“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”
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Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?
The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.
“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.
Miliband hopes to be loved by the nation as much as Blair is.
Ed Miliband has pledged to win back support from disaffected voters by adopting more of Tony Blair’s trademark hand gestures.
With the backs of his hands pushed out in front of him making a sort of odd scooping gesture, advisors insisted Miliband looked more statesman-like, more believable and more sincere.
“This one is called the ‘honesty gates'”, said Miliband, “I’m pushing them in your face. Can you feel yourself warming to me? The focus groups predicted that you would.”
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Filed under Media, Politics, Showbusiness
Dear God please keep those shorts on
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Sex
Babulal Gaur: we couldn’t decide whether to call him a prat or a dingus so we’ve settled on pringus
Babulal Gaur, minister for law and order in Madhya Pradesh, has clarified his comments that rape is a “social crime’ that is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong”.
“It wasn’t the world wide condemnation or the sudden realisation that I was talking out of my bottom that has made me speak to the media,” Gaur told a hastily arranged press conference, “but the horrifying thought that tourists might not want to come to India due to a fear of violence. Or perhaps that an elected official can spout views on women that even Bluebeard might think were misogynistic and not be forced to resign might put more thoughtful tourists off visiting.”
“Let me assure Westerners that while I do think rape is sometimes right and sometimes wrong in the case of anyone laying a finger on any of you and your lovely, lovely money it is always wrong,” Gaur stated emphatically. “You’ll be safe in India, our own wives and daughters not so much, but hey, hardly any of them can match your spending power.”
“So come to India, who needs equality when you’ve got lots of photogenic elephants?”
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Protesters have surprised prime minister David Cameron by setting up a fracking site around his forehead.
“If he thinks it is OK for companies to frack on any area of wasteland regardless of people’s concerns, then he won’t mind us drilling the large expanse above his eyebrows” one of the protesters explained.
“As the tory peer Lord Howell said, it is fine to start drilling in ‘desolate’ areas with ‘plenty of room’. And after his loss to Ukip in the recent elections, he’ll be used to any earthquakes we cause in his cranium.”
Let them eat fruitcake
There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.
By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading
Everyone stay still, her vision is based on movement
Following another incident in the South West the Tory party has finally admitted that it has been cloning Margaret Thatcher and other past members that it believes will appeal specifically to Ukip voters. Operation Enoch is believed to have been running for at least a year and be located on Lundy island twelve miles off the Devon coast.
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The world’s worst Morecambe & Wise tribute act takes to the stage
There was widespread relief last night when it was revealed that the Chilcot Inquiry won’t include any details of Tony Blair and George Bush’s conversations, letters, and notes from the period of build-up to the Iraq war.
“I’m delighted,” said villager Nick Stalling of Harold’s Bravo Company, Royal Dunstable Regiment Rifle Platoon TA. “I served two tours out there with the Rifles. Placing it in some sort of context and allowing grieving families to know the truth about why their loved ones died would only cheapen the whole thing.” Continue reading
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Democracy inaction?
Despite claims of voter intimidation and errors with counting, Vladimir Putin looks set to seize power in Tower Hamlets.
Some voters have complained to the council that polling booths were manned by an unmarked militia, brandishing AK-47s and pamphlets about baby oil and topless communism.
Winning Tower Hamlets could be a way for Russia to bypass sanctions on key personnel, once they move into the notorious shit hole and decorate it to look ‘more like Chechnya’.
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Did it just ring? No? Must have been crickets.
Nick Clegg has claimed his mobile has been hijacked by hackers, after it failed to ring for the fifth consecutive day.
Despite there being no ransom message or changes to the basic functions of Clegg’s iPhone, no-one has contacted him for nearly 120 hours.
‘There’s definitely something wrong with it’, revealed Clegg, as he checked his voicemail again. ‘I’m sure Vince Cable would have called by now to tell me I’m doing a good job.’
‘And there should definitely be some text messages from all my ex-MEPs, thanking me for my hard work, dedication and support.’
Clegg has tried making a handful of outgoing calls, but told us that this wasn’t working either.
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Filed under Politics, Technology
This man is bankrupt and very recently unemployed. It’s okay, we laughed too.
There was relief in Harold this morning as the European election results confirmed one thing: the UK is officially less racist than France. In France the Front National party won the election while on this side of the channel voters decided they’d had enough of fascists and the BNP lost both its seats. Continue reading
Following the decision by Michael Gove to remove some famous American literary works from the English Literature opting for more ‘traditionally english’ material such as the Conservative Party 1802 manifesto, he is also planning to ban the use of Arabic Numerals in maths.
“If Ukip’s recent success is anything to go by, then it is clear people want a more nationalist country” Gove explained in statement made in Latin. “That’s why we we intend to bring back good old Roman Numerals, or showing fingers and toes, or beans, the traditional English way.
George playing bingo as he does most nights before having a pint then taking the whippet for a walk.
Speaking yesterday on BBC Radio 4 George Osborne abandoned default Tory scorn for Ukip and spoke of his respect for them and for Nigel Farage. Continue reading
Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.
With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.
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Filed under Election 2014, Europe, News, Politics
Better days: Dave ‘n’ Nick setting up political home together in 2010
Dear Nick,
It’s May and election results are pouring in. To be honest they’re not looking that good for the Conservatives. Just like four years ago, hey? Except as the sun began to rise on that particular May morning I realised how attractive you were, you had that elusive ‘enough seats so I could be Prime Minister’ quality that no one else did which combined with your lack of shame and political convictions made you irresistible. Continue reading
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Finger mark proves this chap used the facilities.
The Mayor of Harold has apologised for using the public toilets as a polling booth for the European elections.
Regulars found their way blocked by people with clipboards, asking them if they’d made up their mind about where they were leaving their mark.
“I often pop into these toilets to deal with a range of unpleasantries”, said local farmer David Evans. “I don’t give it much thought, or fully understand the workings of the complex system that deals with my shit.”
Evans was furious that he was unable to vote in his favourite trap, but delighted that the council had finally employed people to hand out toilet paper.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
According to their opponents if Ukip triumph today there will be one of these (whatever the hell this is) in every street in the land.
As the country heads to the polling stations the Tories have caused a last minute sensation with a new campaign slogan.
“The gloves are off,” said the Secretary of State for Europe David Lidington at an early morning press conference. “With the admittedly forthright language of our new slogan we are trying to wake people up. We’re saying engage with the process, get out and vote today or there will be an influx of fruitcakes and swivel-eyed loons in every decent, hard-working British community.” Continue reading
Sharing a moment: Tony Blair and Ed Miliband
With political tensions running high ahead of the European elections Ed Miliband continues to prove that he’s as good at interviews as your mum is at saying to no to sailors. Continue reading
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