Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
Continue reading
Category Archives: Politics
Qatar’s slave labour grateful to have unbearably hot summer to finish stadia
New MP ‘second job’ scandal: Miliband moonlights as lollipop man
Miliband also works evenings as a coat rack.
Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.
Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.
“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
UK lends Greece Nick Clegg, to help sell their sell-out
Nick hears the call
Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.
The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.
“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”
Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”
Filed under Election 2015, Greek bail-out, International News, Politics
John Terry angry UKIP taking the glory for Chelsea’s ‘Champions League racist’ achievement
Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists
Chelsea captain, occasional racist and former stealer of his team mates’ girlfriends and Champions League glory John Terry has spoken out at his dismay after UKIP appear to have taken a story about some racist Chelsea fans on a train and make it all about them.
“Why can’t we be allowed to have our racists splashed all over the papers without UKIP trying to get in on the act,” Terry explained. Continue reading
Tories tackle cheap booze with exclusive A&E cocktail bars
“Ice and slice? Or would you prefer a proper anaesthetic?”
Health minister Jeremy Hunt has pledged to tackle ‘cheap booze’, by opening high-end cocktail bars in NHS waiting rooms.
“Cheap alcohol is the bane of our accident and emergency services”, said Hunt. “So we’re going to try and upsell patients to the decent stuff.”
With waiting rooms seen as something of a captive audience, Hunt believes a choice of craft lagers and artisan gins could see hospitals finally turn a profit.
Labour promises Ed Miliband an apprenticeship if they win the next election
If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?
“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”
“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”
“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power, say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.
Comments Off on Labour promises Ed Miliband an apprenticeship if they win the next election
Filed under Apprenticeships, Election 2015, Politics
Iain Duncan Smith adds ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to employment plans
Iain Duncan Smith has finally lost the plot this week and added a ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to his policy of giving away houses to people that stay in work for a year.
The clause will see anyone that remains in employment for one year get a house and full ownership the company that employed them.
Continue reading
UKIP defend bus shaped like giant penis
UKIP have defended their decision to launch an election campaign using a bus shaped like a giant male organ.
The bus, a 45-foot long purple monster complete with helmet and sagging scrotal sack, was launched at a rally in Clacton, and attracted even greater than usual derision on social media.
Elsie Renfrew, 42, almost fainted at the sight of the bus looming down on her in the high street.
“How they thought that could help them win votes is a mystery,” she told journalists. “It was horrible, that giant sickly bell-end leering up at me. I told him, Mr Farage, your bus is rubbish.”
Comments Off on UKIP defend bus shaped like giant penis
Filed under Election 2015, Sex
PM dismisses Cluedo finding: “It was Reverend Green! In the Larder. With the tax-avoiders”
preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday
David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.
“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”
The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”
Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
Comments Off on Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
Labour to delay publishing manifesto until after General Election to focus on saving the NHS
One of Labour’s controversial new posters
Faced with increasing internal pressure to come up with fresh policy ideas, Labour Party strategists have come up with what they describe as a ‘sure fire election winner’ by postponing the publication of their election manifesto until after the General Election.
In interviews over the next few days, leaders will deny accusations that this is due to a dearth of policies by regurgitating their new set of NHS saving mantras which they have spent the last six months working on.
According to an insider at Labour HQ, Ed Miliband feels that working on a lengthy manifesto, which will only provide ammunition to opponents and is never read by the electorate, is a waste of time and resources. The thinking is that Labour can get their message across far more convincingly with sound bites and random promises to throw money at target voters. Continue reading
Comments Off on Labour to delay publishing manifesto until after General Election to focus on saving the NHS
Filed under Election 2015, Housing, News
Nick Clegg applies for political asylum in Ecuadorian Embassy
Nick Clegg has applied to the Ecuadorian Embassy for asylum so he can escape a political beating in May. It is expected that Mr Clegg will be subject to public political humiliation come the general election
“If Assange can hide from the Swedish courts and remain the head of Wikileaks by withering away in a central London room, then why can’t I hide away and still get to be deputy prime minister,” Clegg argued
Continue reading
Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel
Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!
The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.
Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.
Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.
The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.
In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May
The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.
Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.
“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News
Avian flu ‘no threat to lizards’, reassure our reptilian overlords
The sum of all fears.
An outbreak of avian flu is unlikely to destabilise the government, according to a report from our cold-blooded masters.
Although it could prove deadly for chickens, lizards are well up the pecking order. The announcement didn’t mention how it might affect those that evolved from puny apes.
“While pandemics can seem scary, I’d like to assure you lesser species that I’ll be fine”, said David Cameron. Nigel Farage licked a broiler in front of the press, to hammer the point home.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Avian flu ‘no threat to lizards’, reassure our reptilian overlords
Filed under Election 2015, Health, Politics
Lib/Lab leaders look forward to the next 100 days left in office.
I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!
With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading
Comments Off on Lib/Lab leaders look forward to the next 100 days left in office.
Filed under Badgers, Economy, Election 2015, Election 2015, Media, News, Politics
Benedict Cumberbatch joins UKIP
Take this. I’m off to save the pound.
After facing criticism for calling black people ‘coloured’ on US television, Benedict Cumberbatch has confirmed he has gone one step further and become a member of UKIP.
UKIP leader Nigel Farage was reportedly ‘delighted’ at finding someone else rich, white and gaffe-prone to help replace the increasing numbers of his party who are defecting to even more extreme right-wing organisations, like the Conservative Party.
Cumberbatch swiftly issued an apology for his ‘incorrect’ and ‘offensive’ use of the phrase, saying: ‘I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology.”
“I appreciate that by accidentally using one word instead of another word I have committed the ultimate crime, for which no punishment can ever be sufficient, no humiliation too great. And so I have decided to join UKIP.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Benedict Cumberbatch joins UKIP
Filed under Politics, Showbusiness
PM receives second hoax call from someone claiming to be both ‘important’ and ‘Nick Clegg’
Not to be outdone twice in a week, Downing Street has confirmed that Prime Minister David Cameron hung up on yet another hoax caller claiming to be someone important while also claiming to be Nick Clegg.
“It was an obvious hoax, and they’ll have to do better than using the words Clegg and important in the same sentence if they want to catch me out,” a gleeful Cameron said. Continue reading
Tories and UKIP agree joint custody of he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.
Following his move in 2012 from the Conservative Party to UKIP, and then his more recent move from UKIP to the Conservative party, David Cameron and Nigel Farage have finally agreed a joint custody deal of the he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.
“It’s been a long battle, but we have decided that it will be so much easier to claim some of our best friends are foreign if we have him during the week and UKIP have him at weekends,” Prime Minister and Tory leader David Cameron said.
Continue reading
Shock as sociopathic leader revealed to have been chums with Gaddafi
“…I’ve been with you such a long time, You’re my sunshine…”
Tent-loving dead bloke Muammar Gaddafi was friends with Tony Blair. A revelation that has done profound damage to the former President of Libya’s posthumous reputation.
“Gaddafi would be horrified to know that the world has become aware he was pen pals with a war-mongering religious fanatic,” Libyan reporter Moha Hassan Maziq told us. “To have his name linked publicly with such a controversial figure would’ve been a cause of great sadness and concern.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics
You must be logged in to post a comment.