Category Archives: News

Food bank for the super-rich opens so they can enjoy austerity ‘fun’

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.

“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.” Continue reading

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David Miranda takes legal action to stop authorities looking at his holiday photos.

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David Miranda – the partner of Glen Greenwald, the Guardian journalist who released documents about privacy from Edward Snowden – has begun legal action to stop anti-terrorist police from viewing and subsequently sharing his embarrassing holiday photos.

“They can look at all the documents on my laptop, and my browsing history on my i Pad, but there is no way they are looking at the holiday snaps on my camera,” Mr Miranda told us.
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Cameron’s regret as bad back prevents him from hunting the poor

Dave and friends in a better year off to bag themselves a pauper.

A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.

From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.

The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Prince William interview: the Evening Harold gets Exclusive first newspaper interview with the new dad.

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In his fist newspaper interview since his wife gave birth to baby George, Prince William has described to a world full of Mothers and Fathers what it is like to be a parent.

Speaking about the first nappy change, William explained how he coped with the experience. “I found that it is harder than it looks, and it took me quite some time to remember the nanny’s number. That said, once I had summoned her she was very good. She even let us leave the room so we could avoid any nasty odours.”

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Filed under International News, News, Royals

Football haters have strong start to the season: all clichés make successful appearances

Warning: this is what happens to your face if you can't talk about football without using the phrase 'bread and circuses'.

Warning: this is what happens to your face  permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.

Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.

“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading

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Prestigious literary award given to local teenager for ‘detailed Facebook updates’.

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There was a shock winner at the Evening Harold Online Literary Awards last night, with the main prize, online writer of the year, going to the relatively unknown local girl Melanie Delaney, 19, for her autobiographical writings on Facebook.

With her friends being kept informed of everything from the idiots on the bus on her way to work, to her decision to use a break in ‘X-Factor’ to ‘pop to the loo’ resulting in her weeing in record time, the judges agreed that no other online writer produced such a detailed account of anything else throughout the year.

“Not only did she give us an insight into how she was feeling with just a single emoticon, she also added mystery and intrigue with updates such as ‘not again’, ‘arse’ and ‘*sigh’”, one of the judging panel explained.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

Russian athlete Yelena Isinbayeva defends Russia’s right to assassinate.

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Russian athlete, Yelena Isinbayeva, has created more controversy at the World Championships claiming that the assassination of state enemies on foreign soil is just part of Russian culture, and the rest of the world should just accept it.

“The use of polonium-2-10 to administer radiation directly into a person via a hot drink is just the way we deal with things in Russia” Ms Isinbayeva tols reporters. “If the person happens to be in another country, then so be it, but our traditions should be respected.”

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport

New mammal found: future buggered by its being impossibly cute

Olinguito: the most famous Ecuadorian after Julian Assange

Olinguito: the most famous Ecuadorian after Julian Assange

Scientists who discovered a new mammal – Olinguito – in the cloud forests of Ecuador have given it the technical classification of doomed on account of its being impossibly cute.

“When we saw our first live Olinguito I looked into its adorable wide-eyes and thought ‘well, it’s buggered’ “ said zoologist Kristofer Helgen. “And that was before we watched it scampering all lovely from tree-to-tree and doing sweet little human things with its paws.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, Nature, News, science

Stuntman Death Latest: Jumping Without Parachute ‘Dangerous’ Warns Expert

Forgotten anything?

A Health and Safety expert has issued a warning following the death of local stuntman, Dave Dunnit, who jumped from a helicopter without a parachute yesterday.

“Although investigations have yet to be concluded, it would appear that the cause of death was most probably jumping out of the aircraft without a parachute,” commented the HSE man. “Unless the aircraft in which you are travelling is actually about to crash, we would strongly recommend against jumping out; especially without a parachute since the belief that you can glide to earth like a bird, is at best misguided.” Continue reading

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Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Kyle swap places in latest ‘TV mash-up’

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Following in the footstep of ‘8 out of 10 cats’ and ‘Countdown’, the BBC and ITV have joined forces to bring us the ultimate ‘mash-up programmes’. In aid of comic relief, Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Kyle have swapped places for a day and recorded each others shows

‘The Jeremy Paxman show’ saw the newly-bearded presenter take on some of society’s more special examples of guests, but without the use of lie detectors, DNA tests and security guards. Whilst over on BBC2’s ‘Newsnight’,, Kyle grilled the politicians in the days news using his usual tools to break them down, before offering them counseling with his aftercare team.
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Search for Ed Miliband continues

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

The search for Ed Miliband continues amid concerns that Britain may have mislaid not just him but the entire Opposition.

“I heard that they’ve made the cleaners look down the back of all the chairs and sofas in the Houses of Parliament,” said Harold pensioner Ruby Butler as she and her grandson decided to do their bit and look for Miliband in the long-ignored shed at the bottom of her garden. “But all they found was a copy of the New Statesman and half a panini.”

“It is worrying,” said local man Adam Cassidy, preparing yet again to go into the woods in the hope that by leaving out dishes of guacamole and reading aloud from a biography of Ramsay MacDonald he would tempt any Labour politicians who may be hiding in them to break cover. “This country is being buggered senseless by the Coalition, social exclusion is rising, the people who need the most help are getting the least and Ed Miliband and the rest of Labour are nowhere to be seen.” Continue reading

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Train companies to use 4.1% fare rise to create ‘bring your own seat’ carriages.

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Passengers are advised to bring a spare hamock should floor space be at a premium

With the announcement that rail fares will rise by an average of 4.1% next year, train companies have unveiled how they will use the extra money to increase seating opportunities for customers during peak periods. Current rolling stock will be stripped out and tickets will now be sold on a ‘bring your own seat’ basis.

“We acknowledge that passengers tend not to like change, so we will keep the option to stand for a three hour journey” Great Western trains managing director, Tim Hopwood, explained. “We believe this will still be the most popular option following our trials on livestock, but for the most discerning customer they can bring their own seat.”

The news has led to people panic buying, leaving many motorway service areas without stock of their 2 for £10 camping chairs.

Passenger groups have said that although they are not happy with a 4.1% rise in fares being used to reduce the level of service they receive, they have said the changes are not as bad as they though they would be.

In a statement, one group said they had feared much worse after seeing prototypes for roller blades adapted to run on rails. However the train companies have said they were just testing out the idea, but the trials on the same livestock was less successful.

Controversially, these changes will see first class carriages also stripped bare, but as Mr Hopwood explained, this will cause far less of an issue.

“We found that those that have the sort of money that means they can upgrade from a private jet to a first class rail ticket are usually in the position to have staff carry they couch on board for them, or at the very least, they can sit on one of their civil servants.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Travel

UK Europe’s most inactive nation: government blames communities

Eric Pickels: Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government

The Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government

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Local Imam appeals for tolerance towards ordinary atheists after latest Dawkins outrage

Richard Dawkins: stupid in that way only very, very clever people are.

Dawkins: can’t outrage quicker than a quick tweet on Twitter

Local Iman, Qaasim Mohammed of Dunstable Central Mosque has appealed for tolerance towards ordinary atheists and asked people to remain calm in the face of the latest Twitter controversy from militant atheist Professor Richard Dawkins.

“On the first day of Eid, Richard Dawkins tweeted ‘All the world’s Muslims have fewer Nobel Prizes than Trinity College, Cambridge. They did great things in the Middle Ages, though.’ which is offensive in terms of timing and content but people need to remember that extremists like Dawkins while very vocal are a small minority and do not represent atheism as a whole.” Continue reading

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Celebration as first Scottish panda due

shitbear bolder

What do you mean, ‘you can’t get bamboo up here?’

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Filed under International News, News

Afghan war ‘may go to penalties’ says MoD

jumpers

Orphans in jumpers for goalposts.

With the Afghanistan war shuffling slowly towards extra time, Defence Secretary Philip Hammond thinks it could end in every UK soldier’s worst nightmare – sudden death penalties.

“Having been there longer than World Wars I and II, Suez & the Falklands combined, the lads would’ve liked to bring home the silverware”, said Hammond. “Perhaps a victorious march up The Mall in autumn sunshine with cheering crowds and a Spitfire flypast. Realistically, we’ll probably have to slip in to Portsmouth as runners-up. After midnight. In late November.”

Nevertheless, Hammond, formerly global sales ambassador for Mogadon, rejected rumours of despondency amongst the troops. “True, our guys get a little twitchy when an Afghan Policeman has a pop with a semi-automatic and scores another own goal. There’s usually no real malice though. So we just shake hands. Then send a cruise missile to his family’s next wedding ‘by mistake’! It’s just a bit of banter between professionals really.”
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Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

bongbongo

Um bongo um bongo, they play them outside Tesco.

Harold’s leading ethnic percussionist has claimed his shop may not survive, following a withering attack by local politician Ron Ronsson.

Bongo Bongo Land has been selling slightly shoddy hand drums since 1993, when they took over the units previously occupied by failed Dawn’s Zulu Xylophones and the adjoining African airline agent, Fly Tse Tse.

With locals keen to add an international flavour to their conservatories and hallways, George Evans’ deer-hided instruments were once the perfect accompaniment to Indonesian face masks, native American dream catchers and ‘Welsh Drums’ made from a bin lid and half a brick.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Politics, Travel

Snowden’s asylum in Russia was subject to a hetro test

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Putin testing Kim Jong-il: it felt so wrong, it felt so right

NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.

“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Experts baffled by hotel balcony death falls

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

The Dizzy Heights Hotel

Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.

The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.

Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, Travel

Cameron denies plans to ‘go a bit Falklands’ over Gibraltar

camerontank

Creepy, isn’t it?

As the row over fishing rights and a border tax in Gibraltar escalates tensions between the UK and Spain, David Cameron has denied that he is channelling Margaret Thatcher and planning to go a bit Falklands.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said the Prime Minister as he gripped his handbag tightly. “I am deeply concerned about the situation in Gibraltar and considering all available options. If one of them happens to be a small victorious war which I can secure another term as PM off the back of  then that doesn’t mean I’ll definitely chose it. Just almost definitely, which is entirely different.” Continue reading

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