Dietary advice not well received by parents
The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) is issuing advice to parents about how to keep their children happy, news which has angered some in the local community. “Tell your children you love them, keep them clean, and let them help with exotic cooking” are some of the patronising tips which will appear in a leaflet to be sent home with parents.
‘Detective Dads’ line up to solve the mystery
Makers of the popular crime solving franchise have announced they are to set the latest ‘Crime Scene Investigation’ series on the M1 in Buckinghamshire.
With the successes of the original CSI, CSI New York, and CSI Miami, producers of the hit show are hoping CSI Rubberneckers will highlight the skills used to solve car crashes on main arterial routes, often by detectives whose qualifications come from watching back-to-back episodes of ‘Motorway Cops’ on the iPlayer.
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Travel
Not you, Dave. Not you.
Thumbs up for Stephen: https://www.justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-tct
No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?
A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.
“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
The patron saint of pub bores
In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.
“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
Following on from an undercover Panorama reporter into the mistreatment of the elderly, Jeremy Paxman has admitted he can’t take it anymore and announced he is to leave Newsnight.
Disturbing scenes showed members of the Newsnight production team shouting at him and often reducing him to tears.
In one instance a junior researcher can be seen giving him a slap for complaining his latte was too sweet.
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Filed under breaking news, Lifestyle, News
Edits to a Wikipedia page that described Nick Clegg as ‘funny, bright, and full of testosterone’ have been tracked to a government PC, his.
The changes which included lines saying he was ‘well respected within the coalition’ and ‘an honest man, true to his word’ have now been corrected, but questions are being asked into who made the incorrect statements.
“I know they have tracked the changes back to my computer, but I promise it wasn’t me,” Nick Clegg told reporters.
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1% of voters have spotted the similarity
A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.
“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”
After last night’s vote in favour of HS2, David Cameron has announced the whole project will cost a lot less than originally thought with plans to get jobseekers to build the entire project as part of the governments ‘help to work’ scheme.
“Those receiving benefits should no longer think they can keep getting something for nothing, unless of course that something for nothing is inheritance from an extremely wealthy relative,” Cameron told MPs.
“So those looking for, or unable to work can contribute to this major infrastructure project by being forced to volunteer on it.”
With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.
“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.
The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Culture, News
It had been thought that the letter sold for a record £119,000 at the weekend had been the last letter written from the Titanic, but now another letter has surfaced which was not only being written at the moment of impact with the iceberg but also includes the first written instance of the acronym ‘WTF’.
“This is a really exciting find,” said auctioneer Jack Hamburg of auctioneers Hamburg & Grunter. “The letter actually refers to the iceberg itself, before moving into the all-important WTF, which makes it stand above the other tat that is usually associated with the old legend.”
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A village post office has been criticised for its ‘draconian behaviour’ after having an elderly customer clamped and removed for spending too much time chatting as she drew her pension.
Eye witness, Dave Zhou, was in a long queue behind pensioner Elsie Duggan when the clampers moved into action. “The old dear at the front of the queue had been deep in conversation at the counter for ages when an alarm sounded and two men in hi-viz grubby overalls stormed in and clamped her walking frame. Then they lifted her onto a trolley and wheeled her out of the building. The last I saw was them hoisting her onto the back of a truck by crane.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Slightly cheaper than burning an approved fire log.
An advert for holiday sharks Centre Parcs has been banned, after claims that it showed a visitor who still had a penny to his name.
Amidst the normal crowd of gaunt faces and children dressed in rags was a man looking at a menu, and wondering whether to buy chips.
“The very idea that anyone can come away from Centre Parcs while still remaining solvent is a disgusting distortion of the truth”, said campaigner Pippa Delaney.
“We’d done most of our money before we’d left the car park and had to spend the remaining four days eating soil. We just sat in our chalet trying to remember how to play charades, and fantasising about cooking a swan over one of their £87 fire logs.”
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Filed under Advertisments, Business, Travel
Ancient names that have not been used for hundreds of years are making a comeback as parents search for individual identities for their new born children.
After a period when Christian names were sourced from Gaelic surnames or favourite drinks, the fashion is switching to names derived from history with boy’s names growing in popularity including Hamlet, Batchcock and Dogend.
Whilst Hamlet is relatively well known thanks to the works of playwright J.K. Rowling; Batchcock is Anglo Saxon in origin meaning “many dickheads”, with Dogend being Old English for “cigarette butt”. Continue reading
Cheerio then David
With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading
Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big
Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister.
“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading
Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes’ achievements at United
Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinio are just two of the managers that have spent years trying to knock Manchester United from the top two of the Premier League, However David Moyes has shown what a quality manager he is by doing the job in less than a year.
Filed under breaking news, News, Sport
Woo-hoo June strike!
The National Union of Teachers has denied that voting to hold strikes in June has anything to do with either sunshine, football or tennis. Continue reading
Following the news a 16 year-old stowed away in the landing gear of a Boeing 767 flying from California to Hawaii survived, passengers flying from Luton to somewhere within 150 miles of Dublin have described how they too miraculously survived the dangerous journey stowed away in the cabin of a Ryanair flight.
The passengers endured the flight at 34,000 feet whilst fighting the effects of a deadly frosty atmosphere generated by the cabin crew.
“We were lucky not to be crushed to death by the seat configuration,” one of the survivors told us. “Leg room was non-existent.
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New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama
The man behind Barak Obama’s successful run for the White House has travelled to London to meet Ed Miliband, and assess the enormity of his task.
There was initial embarrassment on Axelrod’s arrival when he pushed past a weedy inconspicuous doorman, only to be told that the insignificant underling was actually the man who he had to transform into the next Prime Minister in twelve short months. Continue reading
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