Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, International News
Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home
Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.
“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, Politics
“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”
Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.
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Filed under environment, International News
“April Fools!” After keeping shtum for months, Donald can finally let his hair down and relax
Red-necked US citizens were left red-faced this morning after the sudden withdrawal of Donald Trump from the election race.
Dubbed the longest running build-up to an April Fool bombshell, the news left millions dumbstruck. Eventually, small pockets of people in isolated communities began to recover their composure.
“Hey, he didn’t fool us for one minute,” they said. “We was jes’ playin’ along n’all. We sure ain’t no bigoted racists, no sir, we was jes’ pretendin’.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
I’m on THIS side, I couldn’t be clearer
“That’s exactly what Donald Trump meant, that thing you just said. He agrees with you.” explained a Trump spokesman today, following controversial remarks the presidential hopeful made yesterday.
Meanwhile, Mr Trump was already addressing a fresh crowd of morons “I’m on your side, but nobody else is saying it! I’ve always been saying it. Maybe they’re too scared to say it. I’m not scared of that Washington crowd. I’ll say it as much as I like, because you know what? It’s the truth”.
“Whose side am I on?” he asked, cupping his ears to the crowd “Yeah, you bet, YOUR side.”I’m on your side all the way Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
At last, protection
Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.
Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.
The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.
“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”
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Filed under idiots, International News, Politics
Easter is a time for remembering that Muslims killed Jesus, according to Donald Trump.
“People ask me why I don’t like Muslims, and I say ‘duh’, it’s because they nailed Jesus to the cross with those Muslamic nails of theirs. Page 545 of the Bible I think it is, there in black and white, Muhammad Pilate and his henchmen killing Jesus.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
“AGH! DON’T SHOOT. ME SURRENDER!”
Top US bungletwunt, Donald Trump has promised to have a protester-proof security wall built in time for his next campaign rally.
“I’m going to make the protestors build it, yeah!” Trump smugged, noddingly. Responding to suggestions that this might prove difficult to arrange, he said “You know what? The wall just got ten foot higher! Yeah?”
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Filed under International News, Politics, USA
Pope Francis has confirmed that contraception is sometimes ok if it prevents a greater evil, eg the conception and subsequent spreading of Donald Trump.
“Avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil, so contraception can be justified if it prevents babies being born with Trumpephaly, ie very large heads, bad hair, but no discernible brains” said the Pontiff during a visit to Mexico.
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Filed under International News
“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types”
The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’.
“Ugly kids bring more sympathy, and frankly they stand out too much.” lied Theresa May “We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types, if you will, ‘paler’ and with blue eyes if possible.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Following his enormous temper tantrum after not getting his way in the planned Fox News debate, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been revealed to be a snotty six-year-old boy with an unfortunate genetic disorder which gives him the appearance of a 70-year-old orange scrotum.
Trump, although noticeably eccentric, had always managed to disguise the fact that he was only a child via a mix of clever tailoring and fascist ranting, until the latest incident when he learned that the notoriously left-wing Fox News would not agree to let him sack the presenter he doesn’t like.
Little Donald was reportedly found abandoned by his despairing parents in the middle of a shopping mall, rolling around screaming and beating his fists on the floor repeatedly. Passers-by reported hearing him shouting: “NO NO NO I DON’T WANT HER TAKE HER AWAY TAKE HER AWAY MUMMY!” over and over. Continue reading
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Filed under idiots, International News, TV
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed
As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”
Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading
Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics
Kim Jong-Un being primed
North Korea’s claim to have successfully tested a hydrogen bomb is in tatters after the discovery that the resulting 5.1 earthquake is exactly what would be expected from Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down a few times.
Initially it was thought the rogue state detonated a miniature nuclear device infused with hydrogen as calculations showed an explosive force equivalent to the Hiroshima bomb. But then scientists worked out that cheese fan Kim Jong-Un could generate an equivalent force by jumping two feet in the air a couple of times.
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Filed under International News, War
Next, they came for the horses…
In his most embarrassing proclamation yet, celebrity simpleton Donald Trump has announced that if he becomes President, all Native Americans will be immediately barred from entering the USA.
Coming hot on the heels of his other statement about banning all Muslims, Trump now seems to have lost his last tenuous grip on reality.
“If these so-called ‘indians’ or whatever they call themselves try to enter our great country, we will send them back to where they came from immediately,” spluttered the furry one, “Wherever that is.”
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Filed under idiots, International News, Showbusiness
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
The people of Syria have voted emphatically not to be massacred in a bloodthirsty bombing campaign, it was announced this morning.
Rather than restrict the vote to members of parliament, it was felt that the actual people who would be dying in the rubble ought to also have a say. Turnout was high, at 100%.
The referendum asked the simple question: “Do you want to be massacred by an ill-conceived show of Western indiscriminate aggression? (Yes or No).”
Voting seems to have been remarkably consistent across the sexes and age groups, with 100% of women under 30 voting “NO”, exactly the same figure as men over 80, children under 13, and indeed absolutely everybody else.
“It’s as if they didn’t want to be killed by bombing,” complained UK Prime Minister David Cameron today. “If you ask me, these results seem very suspicious – I find it hard to believe that no-one wanted to die in a mangled heap of concrete and metal. Really, Syria? No-one?”
Others criticised the Syrians for their naive grasp of defense policy, questioning whether the population had really thought this through from a global perspective.
“This decision is selfish in the extreme,” insisted Geoffrey Sang, spokesman for UK arms company BAE Systems. “If these people had any consideration whatsoever of my kitchen extension plans, they would have voted very differently. Well, on their own heads be it. Or not, annoyingly.”
A spokesperson for the “NO” campaign expressed little surprise at the outcome, saying: “We don’t want to die. It’s pretty simple. Death, no thanks. Dying, not any. Do you get it yet?”
“We’re pretty sure that this will now be the end of the matter – we’ve decided and that’s that.”
“You’d have to be a bit of a cunt to bomb us anyway, wouldn’t you?”
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Filed under bombs, International News, War
Kim reveals the secret to his remarkable figure.
Already resplendent in the haircut of the Dear Leader, the entire population is expected to treble in weight ‘as swiftly as possible’.
“Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un has blessed us with his wobbling image of beauty”, announced the Politburo. “He has worked tirelessly through our buttered lobster reserves to become ‘larger than life’ for all our benefit.”
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Filed under Culture, International News
When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross and delicious with eggs
A surprise entrant into the race to become the Republican Party’s nominee for President of the United States has thrashed rivals in the latest round of opinion polls despite being made of bacon.
The porky candidate, tire fortune heir Jeff Miller, has an angry white face, a cross and the IQ of catshit. An image that many potential voters are responding to with joy.
“Jeff’s my man,” Cyrus T. Cliché III told us. “Being made of bacon he ain’t no Muslamic. Plus he ain’t no woman neither.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News
Anus face (artist’s impression)
Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,
“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”
Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading
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Filed under Farming, International News
It has been revealed that discovered amongst the piles of easy listening tapes left by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden were a number of demo tapes in which the arch-terrorist brushed up his DJ patter whilst introducing songs by Cliff Richard and the Nolan Sisters.
From his whimsical style, it seems that Bin Laden saw himself as a Middle Eastern Terry Wogan, and his witty comments about the frustrations of his daily life of a revolutionary are quite amusing – if you put aside the atrocities which he directed. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, International News
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