Category Archives: Around Harold

Village divided as breastfeeding in public banned

9e03a8a110ca6aa61488e5010a63184eAs the law banning breastfeeding in public anywhere in Harold today comes into force villagers remain divided over the issue.

‘We never had breastfeeding when I was a lad. Not with there being a war on,’ said lifelong Haroldite Tom Stalling. ‘My granddaughter just had her youngest christened; afterwards we had a bit of a do in the Squirrel Lickers and she breastfed little Alfie during it. It’s easy in pubs, you just avert your eyes and head to the bar as soon as woman with a baby in her arms undoes a button.’

A dissenting opinion was expressed by Professor Julia Hogsburn. ‘Yes, yes it’s all very natural and delightful I’m sure but my problem with it is that women who breastfeed in public usually turn into one of those women. The sort who can’t imagine that we’re not all entranced by this wonderful example of motherhood and would prefer to get through our day without someone waving their boobs around and babbling about latching on as if it is something other than meaningless.’
Continue reading

Comments Off on Village divided as breastfeeding in public banned

Filed under Around Harold, News

Teachers told to not use pupil’s blood for marking homework in case it upsets them

blood1In yet another example of correctional politicalness gone wild, a school has barred its teachers from marking children’s homework using pupil’s blood. Apparently the molly-coddling move is aimed at preventing hurting students’ feelings, and stopping them bleeding to death.

The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, took his concerns to Parliament after a local teacher approached him saying her secondary school had suddenly banned staff using pupil’s blood.

“Apparently it is all about not wanting to discourage youngsters if their work is marked wrong” fumed Mr Chadwick.

“But children need to understand the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, and what better way to do that than use a vial of a pupil’s own blood to scrawl over every misplaced apostrophe. It’s polectional correticalness gone mad.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Teachers told to not use pupil’s blood for marking homework in case it upsets them

Filed under Around Harold, Education, News

Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Filed under Around Harold, News

Deputy PM named in apparition mystery

cleggyweggywoo

Villagers this morning breathed a sigh of relief as the mystery of The Ghost of Harold was solved. For some months The Lodge, one of the most substantial properties in Harold, had been the suspected site of frequent supernatural occurences.

‘It was most disconcerting.’ near neighbour Marjorie Houndstooth told the Evening Harold. ‘Lights would go on and off and the recycling bins would be put out but no one was ever seen.’

‘I used to walk the dog past there every evening but in the end I changed route because it was getting too spooky,’ said local barber Geoff Taylor. ‘One night I swear I heard a voice whispering hello and Sweeney started wagging his tail like he does when someone’s making a fuss of him, the daft old thing, but there was no bugger there.’
Continue reading

Comments Off on Deputy PM named in apparition mystery

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Does anyone dare speak of ‘Best Kept Secret Village’ competition?

IMG_20130415_214152

Some npower salesmen still getting through

Harold is rumoured to be firm favourite in this year’s ‘best kept secret village’ competition, despite a handful of residents still leaving their lights on at night.

The contest, a national game of ‘hide and seek’ for beauty spots, was first brought to the attention of Harold by a travelling salesman.

“He just happened to have 300 hectares of black-out canvas for sale, and a rusty old transit, to take away all our sign posts”, revealed Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“He expressed his surprise at how easy it was to stumble upon our place, and bet me £20 we couldn’t make ourselves scarce. I wasn’t having that, so I diverted the whole of our tourist information budget to his Western Union account. But as  he explained, that’ll probably help us stay hidden.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Does anyone dare speak of ‘Best Kept Secret Village’ competition?

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Asylum seekers denied geek rights

Is geeking out a human right?

Is geeking out a human right?

Cassie Fine and Naomi Adams owners of Harold’s role-playing games shop Dungeons & More Dungeons are once again petitioning the Home Office to allow them to accept Azure cards for payment.

‘The Azure card is issued to refugees seeking asylum in the UK who don’t have the right to work. The Home Office chooses which shops can accept it and the only one in Harold is Tesco Express,’ said an angry but determined Naomi Adams. ‘We’re petitioning the Home Office to recognise that geekdom is international and allow us to serve Harold’s refugee community.’ Continue reading

Comments Off on Asylum seekers denied geek rights

Filed under Around Harold

Villagers upset as Gove calls for longer school hours and shorter holidays

Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he want school pupils to have

Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he wants state school pupils to have

In a speech yesterday Education Secretary, Michael Gove, called for significantly longer school days and much shorter holidays saying that ‘we can’t afford to have an education system that was essentially set in the 19th century’.

In Harold however the pattern of school holidays reflects a much older need based on the calender of the once dominant Viking community who took their children out of school at certain times of the year to provide extra labour for long boat maintenance, pillage, and squirrels respectively. Continue reading

Comments Off on Villagers upset as Gove calls for longer school hours and shorter holidays

Filed under Around Harold, News

Thatcher falls off roof and dies

thatch

Oops…

In a tragic accident, Britain’s first lady thatcher died this morning while working on the roof of Rose Cottage in the village of Harold.

Witnesses say Margaret Dennis appeared to be surprised by the sound of gunshot coming from all directions, which turned out to be a gun salute from a ceremonial funeral being watched on TV by half the village’s inhabitants. Continue reading

Comments Off on Thatcher falls off roof and dies

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Kitten blamed for village’s lack of productivity

Dire economic threat or impossibly cute?

Dire economic threat or impossibly cute?

Mister Super Paws, a seven week old kitten was today blamed for the lack of productivity in Harold’s commercial sector. Often referred to by his many admirers as ‘Supes’ or ‘MSP’ Mister Super Paws has been a daytime fixture in the window display at Lacrymans & Co. estate agents for the last two weeks causing detractors to claim he is endangering Harold’s economic well-being. Continue reading

Comments Off on Kitten blamed for village’s lack of productivity

Filed under Around Harold

Village forms Home Guard to combat Sunderland invasion threat

Di Cani who?

Di Cani who?

Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.

“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”

With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.

Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Village forms Home Guard to combat Sunderland invasion threat

Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”
Read more here…

Comments Off on Admin error sees murder rates soar

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

More park benches to be laid on as Trampsfest comes to Harold

tramp_master_361x470-1

Trampsfest – Salvation à la mode and a cup of tea.

Men of the road from across the country will be descending on Harold for the 53rd annual Trampsfest gathering later this week.

Thousands of tramps, vagrants, vagabonds, derelicts and panhandlers are expected to attend the festival to enjoy two days of fun, drinking, music, competitions, drinking, socialising and drinking.
Continue reading

Comments Off on More park benches to be laid on as Trampsfest comes to Harold

Filed under Around Harold, News

Masters Bitch and Putt almost ends in sudden death

GolferThe 23rd annual Harold Masters Pitch & Putt golf tournament reached a thrilling climax earlier today with a threat of sudden death as competitors’ mothers squared up to each other.

The Harold Masters, played over nine holes on the council course between the rec and the crem, was originally played by the men of the village but had to stop when it became over-competitive.  Players constantly fought to outdo each other with the worst outfit, and eventually the increasingly-loud plaid trousers, garish Pringle sweaters, two-tone shoes and leather gloves began to frighten the horses in a nearby field.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Masters Bitch and Putt almost ends in sudden death

Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

cam

Harold Thursday Football Club has confirmed that a pilot scheme using the latest video technology had gone well and could go ahead on a permanent basis. When asked if this would mean the end of goal line disputes, club chairman Billy McKean said “Hell no, we’ve installed it in the Ladies changing rooms. It’s been quite an eye opener, I can tell you.”

Congratulations to Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, who has won their longest beard competition. Elsie, 86, who has not shaved since she was 28, regards winning the competition as the fulfilment of a lifetime’s work. She is now aiming for the coveted double by winning the prize for the biggest bunion when it comes up for grabs. Continue reading

Comments Off on Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

Filed under Around Harold, News

Village excitement as Harold looks to make first ‘Bitcoin’

Digital trickery

Digital trickery

Forward-thinking technocrats from the Harold council have announced their intention for the village to move into the cutting-edge world of internet virtual finance by ‘minting’ the district’s first and only Bitcoin.

Bitcoins are a relatively new financial phenomenon, and are created when computers solve a complicated mathematical problem. The resultant binary data lives only on the internet, but can actually be converted into real cash on the money exchanges. The “coin”‘s emergence has created a new currency which is only used by sophisticated computer experts, and has no real existence in the physical world.
Read more

Comments Off on Village excitement as Harold looks to make first ‘Bitcoin’

Filed under Around Harold, science, Uncategorized

Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

search for a star copy12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.

Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness

Man claims intolerance to celebrity culture is genuine illness

tinman

Crank or wise man?

Colonel Thomas Hallet, formerly of the Dunstable Light Infantry has served his country with distinction both in the UK and across the world seeing service in Stockholm, Geneva, and the Turks and Caicos Islands. Now he faces another battle and that is to convince the medical establishment that an intolerance to celebrity culture is a genuine illness.

‘It started with Britney Spears,’ he told the Evening Harold. ‘Some years ago she broke up with her husband who was once her backing dancer and is known as K-Fed. And I know that. That is knowledge in my head that I’ll carry until my dying day. It is knowledge that I categorically did not seek out and it’s making me ill.’ Continue reading

Comments Off on Man claims intolerance to celebrity culture is genuine illness

Filed under Around Harold

Bank ups security as ramblers allowed to use ‘ancient pathway’ through vault

Bank claims 'They're walking all over us'

Bank claims ‘They’re walking all over us’

Local walkers have won a landmark case today and restored the right to use an ancient pathway. The route, which probably dates back to Roman times, goes from the high street, into the bank, through its vault and back out into the countryside, cutting out the need to walk around the building.

The ‘Rambling Association of Harold (RAH) – not to be mistaken for Rambler’s Anonymous, who meet every week to talk each other to death whilst wearing masks – has welcomed the decision. Doug Walker, the Head of RAH told us “this ruling is the biggest victory for ramblers since vehicles were banned from Harold’s by-pass.”
Want more? Walk this way…

Comments Off on Bank ups security as ramblers allowed to use ‘ancient pathway’ through vault

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Haroldbook’s decision to charge for messages causes upset

php4acQ6AAM

Some villagers in Harold have been left distraught by Haroldbook’s decision to start charging users for sending messages to village celebrities outside of their circle of friends. Haroldbook has become a tremendous success since its launch last year by management prodigy Simon Kettle (14) with nearly everyone signing up to the website which allows them to post status updates, list their friends, anonymously harass their enemies and create a fabulous online persona entirely at odds with their real lives.

Haroldbook has been the alleged cause of rows, family break-ups and, last July, a riot when Eddie, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers’ Arms, posted that there would be no more lock ins or take homes. Peace was only restored when it was discovered that Eddie had meant to type that there would be no more Look Ins or Take Hearts as he was throwing out part of his extensive eighties children’s TV collection to make room for a job lot of Thundercats he’d got off eBay.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Haroldbook’s decision to charge for messages causes upset

Filed under Around Harold

Village split over Holy Jesus ‘space rock’

Fingers where added at a later date

Fingers were added at a later date

A debate between religious leaders and scientists has broken out today over the validity over a piece of space rock that appears to show the face of Jesus. Henry Slater, a leading scientist from the village, has been studying the rock closely over the past two weeks.

“The specimen is believed to have come from the ‘Terra Viam Horti’ part of the Milky Way and has hurtled millions of light years across the galaxy to land in Harold (near Dunstable), but to have travelled all that way to earth could only be down to some divine intervention” Mr Slater explained.

Read more here…

Comments Off on Village split over Holy Jesus ‘space rock’

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics, science