Author Archives: yikes28

Outrage as European Court halts 407th burning of Catholic terrorist

Guy Fawkes
The UK’s ability to effectively deal with terrorists was dealt another blow after the European Court of Justice ruled that it was unconstitutional and basically bad form to burn Guy Fawkes for the 407th year in a row.

The European Court noted that it was satisfied that Guy Fawkes was correctly found guilty of being Catholic, and hence a little burning was required, but said 407 times was excessive and amounted to torture or, at the very least, a breach of European clean air guidelines relating to open fires.

In a move that has inflamed public opinion, the Court has not only halted Guy Fawkes impending immolation, but has also said he must be released on bail.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Giraffes wear Nick Clegg masks after failing to solve leaf eating puzzle

giraffe

‘I looked ridiculous’, claimed blue-tongued, 30-foot tall freak.

A leaf eating puzzle sweeping Africa has resulted in almost all giraffes wearing Nick Clegg masks for the next three days. The seemingly simple puzzle spread rapidly via Savannah media and was the talk of waterholes up and down Africa and beyond. The rare giraffes that solved the puzzle got to feel smug, and the masses that failed had to wear the Clegg mask and thus looked even smugger.

The puzzle involved a giraffe hearing their parents call from the waterhole 200 metres away. It is 3.00am and the parents have a bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, a bag of healthy leaves, and a bag of decorative leaves. The giraffes were asked what they would open first.

95% of giraffes said they would open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, 4% opted to open the door and then open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, and 1% said they would open their eyes and then get straight into the tasty and hallucinogenic leaves.

The puzzle caused furious debate throughout Africa, with accusations of unclear wording and outright cheating.
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

NHS to save billions by harvesting foreign patients’ organs – Hunt

organ-harvestingAfter earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.

“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.

“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
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Filed under Health, Medicine, News

Local teen invents GPS with “auto indication” feature for elderly drivers

Out of my way sonny!

Out of my way sonny!

Harold schoolboy Simon Delaney has come up with another award winning invention by designing a GPS that automatically operates a car’s indicators when elderly drivers approach roundabouts and intersections.

The breakthrough GPS technology maps all the common routes taken by the driver so it can then automatically indicate when the driver retraces one of their common routes, like popping down to the Post Office to queue just when everyone else is taking their lunch break. If the elderly driver for some reason takes a new route, the GPS will defensively indicate both left and right so that other drivers know to beware.
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Filed under Around Harold, Technology

Di Canio pleased he bought entire North East supply of piano wire

No I don't play the piano, just give me the wire

No I don’t play the piano, just give me the wire

Paulo Di Canio, the Italian firebrand and fan of Benito Mussolini, said he has mixed feelings after being sacked by Sunderland FC.

“Obviously I am unhappy with being sacked, but my decision to buy all the piano wire in North East England is looking genius.”

Di Canio, who doesn’t play the piano, said he first realised his position was under threat when 30 strong groups of Sunderland fans started surrendering to lone policemen.

“It was clear the fans had lost their bottle, our chances of invading North Africa were pretty slim if we couldn’t slightly alarm the likes of Crystal Palace and West Bromwich Albion.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport

Plastic bag charge: dolphins rejoice that their lives are worth 5p

Wee hee, I got 5p!

Wee hee, I got 5p!

The dolphin community are said to be excitedly doing backflips at the news that all supermarkets are to charge shoppers 5p per plastic bag in an attempt to save the environment.

Southend tour boat operator Gavin Erikson said a local dolphin that follows his boat around, Ono, was distraught that her eldest son became entangled in 20 plastic bags and drowned, but Ono’s anguish turned to delight upon finding that the 20 bags were worth £1.

Erikson said the word must have got round other dolphins as there was a spate of groundings as dolphins tried to wriggle up Southend beach in an attempt to reach the plastic bags at the waterfront Tescos.
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Filed under Nature, News, science

Amy Winehouse denies she is addicted to death

I can give up death at any time

I can give up death at any time

On what would have been her 30th birthday, deceased singer Amy Winehouse angrily denied that she is addicted to death.

In a statement issued through her publicist and medium, Winehouse said she was more of a social corpse, and she could give up death at any time.

“They said I couldn’t give up the drink and drugs but I proved them all wrong – I haven’t touched a drop of whiskey or line of coke for over two years” said Winehouse.

“Death is not causing me any problems, if anything my skin has improved. But I’m being careful to do death in moderation, and only when I have company around.”
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Filed under Entertainment, News

UK to bomb Syria with copies of new Diana movie

Critics right - Diana movie will bomb

Critics right – Diana movie will bomb

Spurred into action by Russia’s “small island” jibe, David Cameron announced that Britain will punish Syria for its gas attacks by dropping thousands of copies of the new Diana movie on regime strongholds.

Cameron said he considered using nuclear weapons, but decided that Assad’s sarin gas attack deserved a stronger response.

“Using a universally panned one star movie that the critics say is ‘tasteless’, ‘saccharine’, and ‘stomach-churning’ will show Assad that Britain means business – the streets of a Damascus will turn into a river of vomit” said Cameron.
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Filed under International News, Politics, Royals

EDL clarify that “England for the English” includes their Asian mail-order brides

An excited Gavin waits for the postman

An excited Gavin waits for the postman

In an embarrassing climb down, the English Defence League announced that their “England for the English” policy will be modified to include members’ mail-order brides from Asia and Eastern Europe.

“We will still seek to vigorously protect our airports and seaports from an influx of Asians and Eastern Europeans, but we will turn a blind eye to the post” said EDL spokesmen Bernard Grout.

“I’m aware some people might think we have done a 360% turn and are therefore hypnotists” said Grout. “But our members have always been sex-starved loners first, and racists second.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

TV licence prosecutions backfire as people watch BBC sex offenders in court for free

Rolf claims it was a didgeridoo in his pocket

Rolf claims it was a didgeridoo in his pocket

The BBC is rethinking its approach after realising the 180,000 people it prosecuted in the last year are getting to watch alleged BBC sex offenders in court for free.

“We wanted to clamp down on free-loaders who were watching TV without a licence and thus not contributing to our presenter’s exorbitant salaries” said a spokesperson for TV Licencing. “If everyone dodged the TV licence, the presenters would not be able to afford to pay for basic grooming items, such as lollies and an XBox360.”

“But unfortunately all the people we are prosecuting are getting to see our presenters up close and personal in court without paying any sort of licence fee – in fact it is not paying a licence fee that it is getting them a front row seat.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News

Diana death probe: Elvis emerges as prime suspect

Elvis after eating the evidence

Elvis after eating the evidence

Sensational evidence has emerged that Elvis Presley was responsible for the death of Princess Diana, and that his paymasters were big pharmaceutical companies eager to silence Diana’s views on conventional medicine.

In what will be seen as an embarrassment to the original investigating officers, it appears that obvious clues were missed such as a 70s jumpsuit, a tub of brylcreem, and 15 jars of peanut butter. A re-examination of CCTV evidence showed that a street sweeper known only as “Sivle” smeared a brylcreem and peanut butter concoction at the entrance of the tunnel causing Diana’s vehicle to slide uncontrollably and then crash.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, International News, Royals

Pair of hydrogen atoms conquer Everest without oxygen

clouds

Climbers now claim to be joined by an invisible bond.

Two hydrogen atoms, collectively known as H2, have made history as the lightest climbers to summit Mount Everest. H2’s feat was particularly impressive as they reached the peak without the aid of oxygen.

“We previously tried the climb with oxygen” said H2. “But we had barely climbed a metre when we just trickled back to the start and formed a small puddle. We soon had a severe case of frostbite and by nightfall had frozen solid.”
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Filed under science, Sport

Squirrel Lickers Arms wins “Best Pub” award despite suspected voting irregularities

Harold sign

Could Harold finally be on the map?

The Squirrel Lickers Arms won the Dunstable and Surrounds “Best Pub” award for the 33rd year in a row though once again rival publicans claim that the vote was rigged, an accusation strenuously denied by the Squirrel Lickers “publican for life” Eddie.

Eddie, who long ago dropped his last name for tax purposes, says he won the award fair and square and his rivals had a bad case of “sour grapes”, which was literally correct as the wine supplies of the competing Felching and Dunstable public houses were mysteriously contaminated.

“I swear on Robert Mugabe’s grave that I didn’t fix the vote” an uncharacteristically emotional Eddie told the Evening Harold. “That the Squirrel Lickers got 120% of the vote speaks for itself – we mean that much to the people of Harold.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Felching Bumsquats

Iain Duncan Smith announces “unemployee of the month” awards to motivate beneficiaries

Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable

Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable

The Coalition’s sweeping benefit reforms have continued with Department of Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith confirming that a pilot scheme to motivate beneficiaries with “unemployee of the month” awards is to be rolled out across the UK.

Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.

“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News

Village welcomes Romanian gypsies with open arms, both holding a shotgun

GypsiesHarold became the first village in Britain to actively encourage Romanian gypsies after its council voted to fund a makeshift campsite on Harold Common. However, any thoughts that Harold was now a haven for tolerance quickly subsided after the council also legalised gypsy hunting. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Shock as Kate admits faking pregnancy to cover weight gain

Kate models her pillow

Kate models her pillow

The world is in shock as the Duchess of Cambridge admitted faking her pregnancy as a cover for weight gained from eating a couple of cream cakes too many nine months ago. The admission came shortly after a major betting plunge on the sex of the royal baby, with “pillow” replacing “girl” as hot favourite.

A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.
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Filed under News, Royals

Royal baby update – St Mary’s Hospital paint nearly dry

After the paint dried, most of the press went home

After the paint dried, most of the press went home

Reporters staking out St Mary’s Hospital, where Princess Kate is soon to give birth, say that the sprucing up of the hospital has been a success and the paint has almost finished drying.

Evening Harold reporter Gavin Smith said after two days camped outside St Mary’s, the general feeling amongst the assembled press was that waiting for the Royal baby was like watching paint dry. But that was until they noticed some paint actually drying.
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Filed under News, Royals

“How to explain a ginger baby” replaces “free porn” as UK’s top Google search

kate ginger2The 700 week run of “free porn” being the UK’s most popular Google search has unexpectedly ended in the run-up to the royal birth, with “how to explain a ginger baby” now taking the top spot. The battle for number one was very close until a number of frenzied searches from Kensington Palace finally saw a new champion.

When quizzed by journalists at his air force base, Prince William expressed considerable surprise at the result, commenting that he had personally searched for “free porn” a number of times that week.
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Filed under International News, Royals

Tour de France bans cycling to make event a true test of drugs

Diehard Tour fans get ready to support their favourite drugs

Diehard Tour fans get ready to support their favourite drugs

The world’s most famous testing ground of performance enhancing drugs, the Tour de France, has announced that this year’s event will be totally cycling-free to finally level the playing field for the competing pharmacologists. The Tour is celebrating its hundred year anniversary this year, and officials have vowed that cycling will be totally stamped out, both to maintain the integrity of the drug competition and spare viewers the disturbing sight of French and Italian men wearing Lycra.

Tour de France Director, Christian Prudhomme, said the basic format of the event would remain the same with “riders” completing each stage in a bus and then walking down a finishing chute where they would be tested for testosterone, EPO, and human growth hormone. The leading pharmacologist at the end of each stage would hold the prestigious “yellow syringe”.
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Filed under International News, Sport