UK to bomb Syria with copies of new Diana movie

Spurred into action by Russia’s “small island” jibe, David Cameron announced that Britain will punish Syria for its gas attacks by dropping thousands of copies of the new Diana movie on regime strongholds.

Cameron said he considered using nuclear weapons, but decided that Assad’s sarin gas attack deserved a stronger response.

“Using a universally panned one star movie that the critics say is ‘tasteless’, ‘saccharine’, and ‘stomach-churning’ will show Assad that Britain means business – the streets of a Damascus will turn into a river of vomit” said Cameron.

“If Assad doesn’t learn his lesson, we can escalate things with some Simon Cowell shows.”

President Obama welcomed the British move, and said the US was prepared to assist with ground troops who would distribute Diana movie memorabilia.

“We may or may not win Syrian ‘hearts and minds’ said Obama. “But we are pretty sure we will get the contents of their stomachs.”

A number of countries cautioned against the British-led plan, saying that it could lead to retaliatory action from Syrian ally Russia who is believed to possess missiles loaded with Putin “Man vs Wild” DVDs.

Opposition leader Ed Miliband said the threat of exposing innocent civilians to a bare-chested Vladimir Putin should be taken seriously, especially as the Russians might follow up with pictures of a half-naked David Cameron on his beach holiday.