Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | October 2, 2015 · 11:00 am

Syrians grateful so many countries are bombing them to freedom

bombing

Free at last.

Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.

“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.

“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”

Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
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by | October 1, 2015 · 7:00 am

North Face launches compression sack for London tenants

north face bag

Enough room to swing a vacuum-packed cat.

London’s rental crisis could be eased, by compressing tenants into tiny bags.

That’s the claim of North Face, the popular survival brand behind a new sack that allows up to 15 people to squeeze into even the smallest stairwell.

Made from a breathable fabric that leaves occupants comfortable even if they soil themselves in the night, the highly sought-after device is already sold out in most desirable postcodes.

Originally designed to make sleeping bags small so they can be carried by scouts and ramblers, engineers discovered they could compress an average-sized human by making the straps just a little thicker.
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by | September 30, 2015 · 7:00 am

Corbyn fails to rule out Dog Tax

corbyn

Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.

Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.

A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.

Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
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by | September 29, 2015 · 7:00 am

Mothball factory put into some kind of temporary stasis

mothballs

Near-spherical insect repellers.

A global decline in the demand for mothballs has caused a local factory to be closed, but left in a state which would enable it to be reopened if future circumstances allow.

The job losses will only add to the village’s employment woes. Last month, three scrapheap workers were made redundant, and put on a list of people who would definitely never work again in the recycling industry.

“I feel as though I’ve been discarded, figuratively speaking”, said Linda Bleak. “You could say my future earning potential has been severely reduced.”
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by | September 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Moon was ‘OK’ claim tired people

moon2

I dunno, is that the moon?

People who stayed up to stare at the moon are claiming it was ‘worth it’ as they were sacked across the country.

“Has the moon been?” asked Nigel Hostage as he was woken by his manager. “No, I’m not pissed, the man on the telly said it was going to be enormous.”

Despite being the same size since records began, the moon chose last night to ruin the lives of the suggestible.  Continue reading →

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by | September 24, 2015 · 1:42 pm

Emissions scandal spreads to German sausages and lager

sausage

Emissions have been linked to worrying levels of accordions.

As VW’s executives admit that they sometimes release noxious gases, Germany’s ‘who smelt it dealt it’ scandal has now spread to the important spiced pork industry.

For years, the EC has imposed ever-tougher environmental rules on the sausage. Along with cheap lager, they’re responsible for 60% of tailpipe emissions.

Consumer champion Pippa Delaney explained the deceit.

“It seems that while German manufacturers claim to make a ‘cleaner wiener’, in reality, they’re churning out the same dirty old bangers.”

“I think they were hoping we wouldn’t kick up a stink about this. But this must be followed through, and follow through I will.”
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by | September 23, 2015 · 12:48 pm

New Scottish thesaurus has 422 words for Tories

Why is there only one word for 'thesaurus'?

Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?

A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.

With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.

Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.

“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.

“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
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by | September 21, 2015 · 7:30 pm

‘Deliverance’ remake to be filmed on the Thames

parliament

“You certainly have a visually appealing mouth.”

Burt Reynolds fans have complained that a ‘Deliverance’ remake will be ‘too dark’ if it moves from the Cahulawassee River to the Thames.

“I loved the original”, said Harold’s Phil Evans. “But in the new one, the bit where the two dead pigs land their canoe on the banks of Westminster makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.”

“Sure, it’s an isolated community, and you’d expect them to get up to some weird stuff. But in reality, would the inbreds really go that far?”
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by | September 16, 2015 · 11:21 am

Producers of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ regret asking Prince Harry

Chinned and ginger, just like dad.

Chinned and ginger, just like dad.

Prince Harry will not appear on the popular genealogy show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’, a coroner for one of the producers has confirmed.

Despite being third in line for the throne, Harry Windsor has a noticeable jaw and some hair left. The BBC family tree programme will not be finding out why.

“We don’t think anyone’s that interested”, said a researcher through the telecom of their panic room. “That’s what the director said, just before he stabbed himself in the back.”

Advances in technology now allow a person’s DNA to be identified from a cheek swab in a matter of minutes.

Sadly, Prince Harry is incapable of producing saliva, revealed the widow of the show’s technical consultant.
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by | September 12, 2015 · 7:45 am

Outrage at Star Wars Audi product placement

millennium falcon3

It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.

Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.

With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.

“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
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by | September 10, 2015 · 1:38 pm

New iPhone will electrocute anyone shooting video in portrait

iphoneApple’s latest phone will quietly improve social media, by ‘neutralising’ anyone that attempts to record video in portrait mode.

Speaking at a launch where some people were still pointing their phones up while recording, Apple’s CEO Dave Jobs (check this) tutted and slowly shook his head.

“Have you morons never seen a TV?”, he asked, “Look, our phones and tablets even look like little tellies. That’s a clue, dummies: which way round is that 48-inch flatscreen in your house?”

Using a simple tilt sensor and two convenient electrodes, the iPhone 6S will efficiently ‘take out’ users who waste the edges on ‘You’ve Been Framed’.

“I love that show”, said Jobs(?), “But I want the kitten to fill the whole screen when it does something adorable. Not just a strip in the middle, you mindless, selfish a-hole.”
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by | · 7:36 am

Search still on for tiger bite antidote

lion

Terrifying.

A drug that can treat bites from tigers and other big cats is still unavailable, doctors have warned.

Despite lacking venom, tigers and some of the spotty ones can still be a nuisance if they sink their teeth into a handy limb.

“It’s not just fur allergies that pose a risk to humans”, said Dr Evans. “The bite itself can cause some discomfort. Although that’s not to say it wouldn’t be prudent to take an antihistamine anyway.”

Following an attack, the victim isn’t always sure what type of cat they’ve fallen victim to, making the need for a universal treatment all the more necessary.

“If you do get bitten, try and pop the animal in a bag and bring it with you”, suggested Evans. “You might get lucky, it may not have been a biting cat at all.”
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by | September 8, 2015 · 8:47 pm

Rooney ‘still hungry’ after eating Wembley goal posts

rooneyWayne Rooney has admitted he may have been confused by the publicity about his appetite for goals after footage emerged of him eating Wembley’s goal posts ahead of tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland.

ITV cameramen were checking their monitors when they saw the veteran England captain run onto the pitch, pull up the goal posts and eat them.

“The posts themselves went in,” said the ITV, “complete with nets and webcams. We got excellent footage of them passing through Rooney’s digestive tract, thanks to their long battery life, waterproof casings and a good wi-fi signal.”

Panic set in among officials when they discovered that Rooney had also cleaned out the Wembley stockroom.
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by | September 7, 2015 · 1:54 pm

ISIS claim responsibility for destruction of ‘superhenge’

henge

An artist’s impression of some rocks, in happier times.

An online video allegedly posted by ISIS has claimed responsibility for the destruction of a stone circle in Wiltshire.

The henge features around 100 giant stones, which have been deliberately toppled into holes and covered with earth.

Archeologists described the attack as ‘fairly easy to reverse’, rather than ‘sickening’, which the media had been hoping for.

In the video, a disguised man bragged that ISIS had attacked the stones with machetes. When this failed to work, they had shot at them, and then tried to set fire to them.
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by | September 6, 2015 · 12:00 pm

Tai Chi ‘slowly evolving into PE’ say experts

tai chi

He’s barely broken a sweat.

The art of Tai Chi body movement may be very gradually evolving into PE. That’s the claim in a new scientific paper, jointly written by an expert in Darwinism and a PE teacher from Harold.

“Evolution is a very slow process at the best of times,” said Dr Joan Mirror, “so when you’re dealing with the evolution of something as slow as Tai Chi, you’re probably looking at hundreds of millions of years before the hallmarks of PE begin to emerge.”
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by | September 3, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dave wins right to show BBC weather repeats

weatherman

Here’s some weather you might have missed.

The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.

Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.

Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.

The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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by | September 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Grammar Nazi apostrophe hoard found under Polands mountain’s

grammar train

“We’re sure its their”, claims Sibilatelin.

An armoured train packed full of apostrophes has been discovered deep inside a Polish mountain. Abandoned their by a notorious group of grammar nazis, the train is the verb of much speculation.

Spoken of in hushed tones by those in the know, a handful of languages most persistent pedant’s have cleverly decoded obscure rules, that led to the trains discovery.

“The train doesn’t just contain apostrophe’s”, summarized grammar hunter Steve Sibilatelin. “Theirs also literally talk of a stash of ellipsises, semi-colons, and the long lost Oxford Comma.”
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by | September 1, 2015 · 7:00 am

Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

queen record

Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.

Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.

With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records.  Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.

“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
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by | August 28, 2015 · 11:00 am

Thousands turned away from Corbynland

corbynland

A charming trip down memory lane.

Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.

Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.

“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.

“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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by | August 27, 2015 · 7:10 am

Jeremy Corbyn pledges to reintroduce bathing machines

bathing machine

Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.

Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.

The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.

“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.

Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.

Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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