Author Archives: waylandsmithy

Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

agnew

Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.

Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.

“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”

With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.
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Filed under International News, Sport

Fury as primary school bans cigarettes from lunch boxes

kid-smokingParents in Harold have reacted angrily to the news that they will no longer be allowed to pack cigarettes in their children’s lunch boxes.

For generations, schoolkids in Harold have looked forward to the lunch-time bell, and the little treats tucked away for ‘after their sandwiches’. A couple of Woodbines, a miniature bottle of scotch, or a horse valium to get them through a hard afternoon’s colouring-in.

Melody Hallett was one of the first to complain about the latest excess of a ‘nanny state’, despite not having any children to worry about.

“It wouldn’t have been a school dinner without a filter tip for dessert”, said Hallet. “We used to love tucking into one after we’d choked down the main course. But now, kids aren’t even allowed to pick the magic mushrooms that grow on the school field. Is it any wonder so many of them look bored?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course

murray

Murray assumes position for knighting himself

Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.

With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.

“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”

Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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Family ‘already buried Nelson Mandela a few times’

mandela

Mandela all set for fifth funeral this week

Members of Nelson Mandela’s family are urging the courts to let them bury him as soon as possible, despite the 94 year-old statesman’s stable condition.

Insisting that Nelson is now in a ‘permanent vegetative state’, his relatives are keen for him to lead one final underground movement.

But their claims seem at odds with reports from others who have visited Nelson, who claim he’s ‘never looked fitter’.

“This morning I watched him eat a 16 ounce steak, then jog his way around a half-marathon”, said one visitor. “He didn’t win, in fact he nearly came last. But I don’t think that’s justification enough to bury him.”
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Filed under News, Politics

Village celebrates ‘Independence from Tesco Day’

butchers

Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’

The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.

For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.

“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Culture

Urgent Appeal: just £5 a month could buy a Guardian journalist a haircut

guardians

Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Other times, we compliment their clothes. But you can’t hide forever from the ugly truth right  in front of you: Guardian journalists are suffering NOW from Shit Hair.

For just £5 a month, a volunteer hairdresser will pick the biggest bits of cake from the thatch of Julie Burchill. £10 could teach Hadley Freeman how to use a comb. For a generous one-off payment of just £30, you could help Alexis Petridis to trim his own hair with an adult pair of scissors, or at least chew it with a less blunt rodent.

Guardian journalists need YOUR HELP, NOW, before they’re mistaken for tramps by their own interns. Perhaps they do it to make a point of not conforming to stereotypes of attractiveness, perhaps it was really windy on The Tube this morning. Perhaps they all just have really short arms.

Whatever the reason, we need to reach our target of £25,000. That could buy enough conditioner to treat Suzanne Moore.

Don’t just stare at your shoes, look them in the eye and tell them a professional can Probably Sort That Out.

Friends of The Scurf. Together, we can beat canker.

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Filed under Education, Medicine, science

Pirelli urge FIA to hold German Grand Prix on ‘fairly straight section of autobahn’

autobahn

Staying awake will be just one of the challenges

Following a disasterous number of blow-outs during this weekend’s British Grand Prix, engineers at Pirelli are urging the FIA to avoid tight corners until they can work out how to make tyres.

“From reviewing the footage of Hamilton’s tyre failure, we were able to ascertain that he was driving quite fast”, explained Pirelli’s marketing chief Lorenzo Capellini. “And to be honest, anyone trying to go round a corner like that is definitely asking for trouble.”

With speed and cornering both identified as culprits, Pirelli think they’re close to finding a solution. Computer simulations have shown that either a very slow race or one in a fairly straight line would be reasonably safe, as long as they change tyres every three or four miles.
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Ed Miliband tweets picture of himself eating food ‘like a real boy’

Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.

Early feeding simulations abandoned after Ed chewed through his strings.

Labour’s Ed Miliband has jumped on the Osborne ‘Burgergate’ bandwagon, by tweeting a picture of himself with a portion of cheap meat.

But followers are now doubting his credibility as an ‘actual human being’, because the image shows him forcing a Big Mac in his ear.

“It’s perfectly normal to attempt to obtain energy from processed animal matter, while being uploaded with an inspiring new speech”, mouthed Ed Miliband.
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Filed under News, Politics, science

More bloody tennis: Live!

tennis10.45 Hi tennis fans! Welcome to the Evening Harold live blog for today’s ‘action’ at Wimbledon. We’re expecting several over-privileged posh twats on court today, and hopefully at least a few hilarious hissy little fits.

11.00 Not long to wait now. We’re on Court no.1, where the reek of smugness is already radiating off the crowd. Some are wearing ‘fun’ hats, others are tucking into strawberries. Lovely. What a delightful group of tennis aficionados, as opposed to ‘stupefyingly dull pricks’ that Neil from Derby has just suggested by text message. Steady on Neil, you sound like a communist.

11.20 At last it’s time for the official warm-up session, where members of the public practice looking surprised when they’re picked up by the TV cameras. A coach is showing them how to master the ideal combination of delight and embarrassment, without slipping into crude, sexually suggestive hand gestures.

Matt from Surrey tweets: Come on Tim!

Hilarious. Wanker.

11.30 A small man dressed like Alan Partridge has climbed into a massive children’s high chair. Christ knows how much he paid for that ticket. The perverted little freak.

11.32 Boris Becker is next door, practicing doing his German accent. You’re not fooling anyone you know, Boris. You’re ginger for fuck’s sake.

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Filed under Sport

Public sector to be chained to their desks

servantProductivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.

Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.

“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”

Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.
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Socialites go crazy for new Ian Brady ‘hunger strike diet’

novbig2

Taking no chances. The don’t see food diet

As notorious child killer Ian Brady finally reveals how he keeps his wraith-like figure despite being on hunger strike for 14 years, self-absorbed socialites are adopting his diet.

Buoyed by the news that ‘food doesn’t count if you eat it in secret’, many are finding that  the Brady Hunger Strike Diet is surprisingly easy to stick to.

Villagers from Harold’s new unaffordable homes development have adopted a range of decorative nasal feeding tubes, while pretending that they ‘basically never eat’. Any weight gain can be blamed on food being hosed up their nose by the government, rather than on the mountain of toast and soup that they stuff down in the dark.
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Filed under Culture, News

Leading Fromologist discovers meaning of ‘Fromology’ on day of retirement

Cheesewatch

Retirement present was ‘first clue’

Britain’s leading Fromologist has finally discovered what it was that he was supposed to be doing, just hours before his official retirement.

Dr Tristan Moorchamps, 68, has enjoyed the trappings of success associated with his field for nearly 40 years. Indeed, many of his learned colleagues have spoken of their admiration for a man who would regularly stop at nothing in his relentless pursuit of Fromological excellence.

Renowned for his impressively obscure vocabulary as much as his manifold speech impediments, Moorchamps was custodian to his college’s hallowed fromology library. There he would spend many a long decade, translating tomes from the original Latin into Swahili and back, looking for amusing discrepancies that could be used in after-dinner anecdotes.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

Working class girls urged to ‘adopt an endangered toff’

harry charity

One day, this nob could be released back into the wild

Britain’s working classes are being encouraged to ‘do their bit for the struggling posh’, especially self-loathing toffs who crave a meaningless life of drudgery and filth.

With poshness now less welcome than leprosy in many UK homes, campaigners fear that the class system is becoming dangerously heavy-bottomed.

“Its rare to see someone in red trousers braying in a public place these days”, explained Margaret Hounslow of the charity ‘Snob It Out’. “They’re hunted ruthlessly for their thick skins, massive teeth and tiny chins.”
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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, Politics

William Hague ‘looking forward to holiday in Afghanistan’

All fixed now...Hague rides the popular petrol flume

All fixed now…Hague rides the popular petrol flume

Just 12 short years after the invasion of Afghanistan, William Hague has announced that the country is now ‘safe enough to take a nice, restful holiday in’.

With power being handed over to the Taliban in a traditional NATO ‘Washing of the Hands’ ceremony, Hague revealed that the first Kabul Butlins will open in a fortnight.

“It’s an all-inclusive resort, although that doesn’t include women”, revealed Hague. “You have to make some concessions to local brutal beliefs.”

Few would have thought that when the country was first bombed back to the stone age that it would claw its way up to a medieval state quite so quickly. But Hague insists Kabul itself is now ‘fewer than 100 years behind resorts such as Guantanamo, Somalia or Rhyl’.
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Filed under International News

Murray unsure whether to ‘win Wimbledon for Britain’ before Scottish independence vote

AndyMurray_1532715a

Murray may compromise by finishing second

Britain’s Scottish tennis star Andy Murray has revealed that he’s torn over whether to win Wimbledon just yet.

Hero Murray, who last year won an Olympic gold for a country, explained that winning Wimbledon was a ‘difficult decision’ that shouldn’t be taken too lightly.

“There’s a lot of emotion around this, and I don’t want to be hasty”, said Murray. “If I do decide to win, it should be for economic reasons.” But Scottish hardliners have accused him of sitting on the fence, or whatever it is ‘Sassenachs use down there in the middle of the court’.
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Thrifty couple shave pounds off Virgin space flight by taking own soup

space window small

Spirit of the Aged?

An elderly couple from Harold are looking forward to a ‘once in a lifetime’ holiday in space, after negotiating a discount for taking their own food.

Until now, VirginGalactic has insisted on providing its own nutritionally-maximised, dehydrated meals, but they hadn’t reckoned with Joan Hambleton’s stubborn insistence on behaving as if there was still a war on.

Joan and her husband Malcolm have long dreamed of travelling into space, ever since they watched the moon landing on a neighbour’s television. “We used to borrow their newspaper as well, they often threw it away when there was still some reading left in it”, said John.

“When we read that man would land on the moon, I just knew Malcolm and I would echo NASA’s achievements some day. But only after we’d made some awkward, bloody-minded cost-savings to show everyone how thrifty we are.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, science

Doubts over Putin’s claim divorce is ‘work related’

putin

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by | June 15, 2013 · 11:00 am

Kate Middleton elects to have a ‘media birth’

kate preggers

Traditional bodyguards keep watchful eye on royal beef curtains

The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton  has elected for a media birth, according to palace officials.

Like many young mums-to-be, Kate had a lot of choices to make for her ‘birth plan’, with some advisors suggesting an exclusive ‘push’ in Hello!, OK! or Pregnant MILFs!.

Editors have been scrubbing their arms and donning gowns they found on ebay, in the hope of getting a glimpse inside our future Queen.
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Filed under News, Royals

BBC cashes in on Game of Thrones success with ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’

henryviii

The naked version of Henry VIII always rose to the occasion.

Historian Dan Cruickshank has denied ‘dumbing down’ in his new series, ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’.

“If we’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that people remember the naked bits”, he frothed. “The naked bits, and the violent and bloody deaths.”

Cruickshank hastily re-edited a pilot show for his new project, which explored complex family trees, socio-economics and the inherent political injustice of the day. Instead, the show now features writhing, sweating bodies, several gallons of baby oil and rubber masks that look a bit like famous royals.
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Filed under Art, Culture, Royals

Villagers claim ’11 speed limits is too many’

road signs

PC Flegg claims series of limits gave a ‘gentle transition to safety’. Cllr Ronsson, however, was furious. “I lost my licence in the space of just 20 yards: 45 in a 40, 44 in a 39, 43 in a 38…what makes it worse was she was just holding a hair dryer.’

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Filed under Around Harold