The second symbol is wildly optimistic.
Members of ISIS have been freely communicating with each other, using an obsolete network known as ‘Google+’.
The terrorists resorted to the awkward means of communication, to avoid detection by US authorities.
“It was completely under our radar”, said the CIA’s Chuck Brady. “The fact it isn’t encrypted in the slightest really threw us a curveball.”
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The recall will involve a new electronic component and a bucket of water.
Following a recall to fix unwanted fires, Metropolitan police have apologised for leaving Vauxhall Zafiras near protesters.
Vauxhall are recalling 22,000 of their cars to stop them bursting into flames, a fault that has already made anti-capitalist protesters in London appear more ‘bad-ass’.
“It’s completely unacceptable for the police to ‘petrol bomb’ us in this way”, said Anonymous supporter Brian Halls. “Although the recall also affects diesel models.”
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Filed under Society, Technology
What was supposed to be a weekend of luxury turned out to be 48 hours trapped in a slightly disappointing supermarket, thanks to a husband that couldn’t spell ‘Spar’.
Harold resident Pippa Delaney had been gifted the break by her partner Simon, to celebrate a ‘landmark’ birthday she’d recently lied about.
“Pippa is always going on about having a Spar break”, said Simon, “although she normally shops at Waitrose. I just assumed that she was being trendy, like that time she bought some Welsh wine in Lidl.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle
The device could cause asthma, and feelings of Christmas.
The environmental Protection Agency has discovered that VW deliberately concealed that their cars have fireplaces capable burning coal and wood.
A technician made the discovery while trying to put the clock back an hour, and in desperation, opened the glovebox to look for the handbook.
“It looked as though someone had plastered over it”, said the agency’s Gordon Evans. “Perhaps in an attempt to make it seem more modern.”
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Filed under environment, Motoring
Fishing isn’t for everyone.
Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.
Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.
“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.
“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Medicine
When a man was seated next to a slightly similar-looking man on a flight to Galway, he immediately got giddy and shared a selfie with the world.
Little were the ‘pair’ to know but they were about to share something else: the most awkward flight conversation in history.
When I saw my doppelganger, I didn’t know what was going on”, said Neil Douglas. “So I took a picture, and made a massive fuss about the whole thing.”
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In a protest against the rampant commercialisation of Halloween, a vicar in Harold has dug her heels in and cracked open a number of graves.
“Some of the pricey tat in the high street wouldn’t spook even the most recently bereaved”, said Rev. Tansy Forster.
“But dig up their aunt, pop a tealight in their mouth, and you’ve got something terrifying for under a pound.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Eerily, the doll is actually better at Scrabble.
Just hours after Bastian Schweinsteiger revealed he was suing the makers of a doppelganger Nazi doll, Wayne Rooney has launched his own legal action against Mr Potato Head.
“I was in a toy shop, looking for a present for my wife, when I suddenly noticed a display of tiny mirrors”, explained Rooney.
“I must have been there for 2 or 3 hours, just staring into them, when someone picked up one of my reflections and wandered off.”
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Filed under Sport
The proud new building should stand for at least another 10 years and 1 month.
David Cameron has saved £7bn on the cost of restoring the Houses of Parliament, by granting the contract to China.
For the mere informality of signing over the freehold, politicians will have somewhere to sit for the next 99 years.
“This is excellent news for the UK tax payer”, said Cameron. “They’re even throwing in a big ‘tribute’ iWatch to replace Big Ben.”
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Was this typed with a straight face?
Amazon has confirmed that unscrupulous shoppers who leave 5-star reviews of films, despite them containing Adam Sandler, will be sued.
Although Sandler has near-universal unappeal, some malicious trolls have gushed all over his leavings on the popular online shop.
Amazon fears this could cause unwary customers to order them, which might damage their trust in the tax-efficient company.
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Filed under Business, Health, Technology
The olives of wrath.
Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.
Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.
“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, News
A fitting tribute to Pat.
Concerned employees at Amalgamated Holdings Ltd have been mystified by a growing collection of soiled cups.
Initially, minor queries were raised with each other about whether the cleaning contract had been renewed, not realising that for the last 15 years the dishes had been done by Pat in accounts.
“I do like a cup of tea first thing” said managing director Justine Hostage, “and I never gave a thought to how our mugs got clean and put back in the cupboard. It was Mike who said he’d seen Pat doing it before, and then we realised no-one had heard from her for three weeks.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Business
Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.
Eric Boutsen has driven taxis for 25 years, and in all that time has never come across a car whose indicators flash exactly in time with his own.
Despite working double-shifts and taking more turns than is strictly necessary, Boutsen returns home to his empty flat each evening, dejected and bereft.
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Filed under Around Harold, Health
“I’m not sure what the question was.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accidentally supported the Conservative party, after ‘instinctively’ voting against Labour party policy.
“This can happen if you’re a rebel, and you end up in charge”, said a spokesman. “It’s easy to forget that it was you who made the decision in the first place.”
Jeremy Corbyn has rebelled against his party more than 500 times during his career. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell praised him for his consistency, but then changed his mind and called him a ‘scab’.
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Filed under Politics
Filling, and relatively non-toxic.
A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.
“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.
“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food
Bloody hipsters.
Mick Clarkson knew the rules when he entered the snug, but felt emboldened after reading an article on ‘creeping gentrification’.
“I’m on some tablets at the moment and the doctor said I mustn’t drink with them”, explained Clarkson. “But wine’s not really drinking, is it? It’s more or less runny jam.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture
All set for winter.
“Last year saw a dramatic rise in automotive festivity awareness”, said fire officer Liam Hosier. “But sadly, some of them were a bit shit.”
Keen to avoid a repeat of 2014’s bobble-headed crap snowman tragedy, Hosier’s checks will focus on utilising a vehicle’s 12-volt sockets.
Using a small hammer and a bent rusty nail, the village fire crew will upgrade your car’s standard fuse box to cope with the extra power demands.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas
Very advanced for her age.
A baby that was delivered and subsequently licked by Brian Blessed now possesses powers associated with the super-human actor.
The baby girl was freed from her mother after Blessed gnawed through her umbilical cord. And just 6 months later, she was sporting a full beard.
“I remember sitting under a tree, when my pregnancy began”, said mother Charlotte Twaddle. “And then moments later, Blessed was chomping at the bits.”
After Blessed licked the baby clean of the associated unpleasantness, the child crawled almost immediately, before taking to the air.
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Pagans welcomed the stones, which they will use for ritual purposes.
A prayer room in Harold has undergone a 350 metric tonne refit, to make it more suitable for pagans.
The 6-ft by 8-ft room now features a full-scale druidic stone circle, complete with a folding cairn, to accomodate Picts.
Nigel Thorvald welcomed the move, despite the eye-watering cost. “One shouldn’t put a price on appeasing Our Goddess”, he insisted.
Other workers have complained that the ‘impossibly cramped’ prayer room is now unsuitable for their interests. The sheer volume of beef waste has been a sticking point for some.
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The sum of all fears.
The discovery that wildlife is thriving in the Chernobyl exclusion zone has caused a rethink on using Trident against badgers.
Despite badgers being linked to the spread of bovine TB, the sheer number of moths near Reactor 4 caused a brief pause in the launch countdown.
“Our experts had spotted a family of badgers on the Avon border”, revealed DEFRA minister George Eustice. “And at least one of them seemed to have a slight cough.”
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Filed under Badgers, environment
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