Author Archives: Stan

by | October 8, 2014 · 11:30 am

Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading →

Comments Off on Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

Filed under Media, News, Social media

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | October 3, 2014 · 9:02 am

Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

You can't see the crossed fingers

You can’t see the crossed fingers

The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.

It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.

Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | September 26, 2014 · 8:39 am

Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.

As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.

“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | September 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Miliband admits Labour spending plans were vetted by Tesco’s auditors

The moment of realisation

The moment of realisation

Only minutes after his triumphant keynote speech, Ed Miliband was in trouble again after not realising that Labour shared auditors with troubled supermarket giant Tesco.

Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.

The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Miliband admits Labour spending plans were vetted by Tesco’s auditors

Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | September 19, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Salmond claims victory saying Scots voting NO really meant NO to England

It's my country and I'll cry if I want to ..

It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..

Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.

The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.

“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Salmond claims victory saying Scots voting NO really meant NO to England

Filed under Independence referendum, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 17, 2014 · 7:00 am

Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade

QueenThe Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.

In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.

“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”

After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading →

6 Comments

Filed under Independence referendum, News, Royals

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | September 9, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

DumContingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.

With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.

Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

Filed under Election 2014, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | September 4, 2014 · 8:04 pm

Joan Rivers to be broken up and recycled after plastic surgeons finally give up

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.

Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.

Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | · 11:00 am

Another gaffe as Miliband flies to Cardiff to deliver keynote Scottish independence speech

So good to be back in Scotland.

So good to be back in Scotland.

Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.

Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.

The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | September 2, 2014 · 2:30 pm

War on terrorism on hold whilst US hunts down source of Jennifer Laurence nude photos

jenWhite House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.

“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | August 27, 2014 · 11:00 am

Local parlour develops invisible tattoo for people unable to show tats at work

ArmHave you been told by your employers that tattoos are unacceptable? Well, hope is at hand thanks to Harold tattooist Dave Zhou who has invented a technique which provides perfect invisible tattoos, which means you can have a tattoo anywhere you like without your boss being able to see it.

Being a police officer, PC Anita Flegg had been unable to display even the tiniest of tattoos until now, so she was one of Dave Zhou’s first customers when he advertised the new product. She is delighted with the results.

“It’s been a real bore not being able to have tats like my mates,” she told the Evening Harold, “but now, thanks to Dave’s skills, I’m thrilled to have a tattoo on my forehead which reads ‘Make my day, punk’ which I know is there but no one can see, so I can’t get into trouble at work. It’s so empowering.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Local parlour develops invisible tattoo for people unable to show tats at work

Filed under Lifestyle, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | August 26, 2014 · 11:00 am

New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

NHSStung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.

Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

Filed under Health, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | August 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

Now Sainsbury’s decides not to sell Christmas items for fear of offending anyone

Never knowingly upsetting

Never knowingly upsetting

Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under News, Pagans, Religion, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | August 15, 2014 · 7:00 am

Revealed: How Obama solved the Iraq bombing dilemma

Obama 2It has emerged that President Obama follows a simple decision chart when tacking tough diplomatic issues in potential areas of conflict.

Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Revealed: How Obama solved the Iraq bombing dilemma

Filed under International News, Politics, War

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | August 14, 2014 · 7:01 am

Soy Sauce fish threatened with extinction says WWF

Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish

Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish

The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.

Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.

“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Food, International News, Nature

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | August 12, 2014 · 11:31 am

Clare Balding be given her own BBC channel

Omnipresent

Omnipresent

Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.

Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | August 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Red faced Government officials admit stockpiling antivirus software to deal with Ebola

anti virEmbarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.

Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Red faced Government officials admit stockpiling antivirus software to deal with Ebola

Filed under Health, Medicine, News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | July 22, 2014 · 11:00 am

Quarter of a million birthday cards are pulped without Prince George even seeing them

"At least I've more hair than my Dad"

“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”

There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.

Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.

“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Quarter of a million birthday cards are pulped without Prince George even seeing them

Filed under News, Royals

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | July 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

Another gaffe as Miliband calls for Russia to be kicked out of Commonwealth Games

"Moi, out of touch?"

“Moi, out of touch?”

Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.

Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones

“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading →

3 Comments

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

by | July 17, 2014 · 11:00 am

Commonwealth Games athlete claims early sprint record after norovirus outbreak

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An outbreak  of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.

According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Commonwealth Games athlete claims early sprint record after norovirus outbreak

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , , , ,