Author Archives: Max C-F

by Max C-F | November 25, 2013 · 7:00 am

Duncan Smith announces partnership with Grim Reaper: Atos just too slow, minister claims

This location is more accessible to the disabled than more than fifty per cent of Atos assessment centres.

Later on today Iain Duncan Smith will announce that he is planning a massive shake-up of the welfare system which will see the Department of Work and Pensions end its controversial partnership with Atos, a private company that managed to make ‘fit for work’ the three most terrifying words in the English language since ‘Jimmy Savile’s here’, and instead work with the Grim Reaper from now on.

“Atos was just too slow,” Duncan Smith explained. “Despite their best efforts with the sick and disabled some are still alive. The Grim Reaper is going to deliver the results I really crave.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Atos, Evening Harold, Grim Reaper, Iain Duncan-Smith

by Max C-F | November 23, 2013 · 2:35 pm

Attorney General warns of corruption in minority communities. Bullingdon Club particular cause for concern

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Ye are many – they are few.

The Attorney General, Conservative MP Dominic Grieve, has warned that politicians need to ‘wake up’ to the problems of corruption in minority communities and cited the Bullingdon Club as a particular cause for concern.

The all-male Oxford University dining club counts David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson and Lord Voldemort amongst its past members has a reputation for exclusivity, a predilection for smashing up restaurants, and generally encourages its members to behave as if they were part of a parallel universe Drones Club in which fun has been replaced by a level of arrogance not seen since Charles I. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Boris Johnson, Bullingdon Club, David Cameron, Evening Harold, George Osborne

by Max C-F | · 7:00 am

Doctor Who anniversary: geeks celebrate fifty years of being bullied

Ah virginity, we remember it well.

This weekend Doctor Who fans across the country are gathering together to celebrate fifty years of being bullied and to watch the new episode of Doctor Who before endlessly debating whether it fits into canon or not with a humourlessness and attention to minute detail not seen since the Chilcot Inquiry.

“It’s a great moment,” lifelong ‘Whovian’ Stew Holden told us. “I’ve been bullied for loving Doctor Who since the seventies and here we are in 2013 still being mocked for being sad obsessives with no lives. Though Mum and Dad have promised to do that less from now on and in return I’ve promised to think about moving out before I’m fifty.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Doctor Who, Doctor Who 50th Anniversary, Evening Harold

by Max C-F | November 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Cameron orders aides to ‘get rid of all the yellow crap’

Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg and Deputy Leader and Shadow Chancellor Vince Cable visit the Knorr-Bremse Rail Systems factory in Melksham, Wiltshire, Britain - 08 Oct 2009

Endangered species?

Downing Street is in full damage limitation mode this morning following reports that the Prime Minister has ordered aides to ‘get rid of all that yellow crap’ in the run up to the next election. If true this would be a massive u-turn since 2010 when David Cameron said being yellow was at the heart of his policies and pledged to run the yellowest government ever.

“It’s a matter of cost,” said a Tory party insider. “We have to make cuts wherever possible and the longer we associate with the Liberal Democrats the more it’s going to cost us at the ballot box because somehow they’ve managed to become far less popular than us. And a lot of people seem to hate us.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, Nick Clegg

by Max C-F | November 21, 2013 · 5:37 pm

Online dating profile of the week: Rupert Murdoch

Hello ladies.

This week in our round-up of online dating profiles we’re looking beyond the borders of Harold and at the profile of an elderly gentlemen whose divorce was only finalised yesterday.

Good luck Rupert, we salute your eagerness to get back in the mix.

Name: Keith Rupert Murdoch. Likes to be known as Rupert and has a net worth of £8.3bn.

Age: £8.3bn

Height: £8.3bn

Star Sign: £8.3bn

Personality: £8.3bn

Likes: £8.3bn

Would like to meet: Quiet sheilah aged 20-30 with massive norks who sees a bloke for what he is and isn’t impressed by money.

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Filed under Dating

Tagged as Evening Harold, Rupert Murdoch

by Max C-F | November 19, 2013 · 2:59 pm

No surprise as white people make crack all about them

Toronto mayor and crack smoker Rob Ford. Strange, we’d always thought that crack was an appetite suppressant.

As Toronto mayor Rob Ford continues to stumble around that city smashing into objects and councillors like a rubbish Godzilla, crack has finally become a thing in the eyes of white people.

“I’m not racist,” said Harold councillor Ron Ronsson. “Far from it, I watched every episode of The Wire, but I’d always assumed that crack was an urban problem like Tyler Perry films. Now I know it can effect rich, middle-aged white men in good jobs, well, now it’s firmly on my radar.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as crack, Evening Harold, Rob Ford

by Max C-F | November 18, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Get a vajazzle like a DualShock controller: women advised ahead of PS4 launch

The Sony PlayStation 4 DualShock controller. Sexy.

A Harold hair salon and beauty spa, Sally’z Cut’z, has come up with some interesting advice for women who are afraid that they will be ignored once their partners get their hands on the new PlayStation 4 games console. “Have an X, a Y, a circle and a triangle tastefully added to your Dame Anna Neagle, girls,” said owner Sally Lloyd, “and he’ll turn his back on Call of Duty: Ghosts and be pressing your new pink button faster than you can say ultra-responsive thumb stick.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Tagged as Assassin's Creed IV, Call of Duty: Ghosts, duelshock controller, Elder Scrolls Online, Evening Harold, playstation 4, Vajazzle

by Max C-F | November 14, 2013 · 7:00 am

Prince Charles at 65: delighted to add state pension to his other benefits

Prince Charles: one way or another he’ll get that crown.

Prince Charles turned sixty-five today and is delighted to be receiving his state pension.

“Oh yes, it’ll come in very handy,” said the Prince. “Nice to see the state doing something for us old folk. Now I’ll be getting an extra £66 a week on top of the yearly £1.1m the Treasury thoughtfully already gives me and the £19m a year I get from that thing Mummy gave me ages ago. What’s it called now? Oh yes, that’s right: Cornwall.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as 65th birthday, Evening Harold, Prince Charles

by Max C-F | November 12, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Surprise on the High Street as Eton College starts chugging

Chuggers: their vision is based on movement. Stay very still and they won’t spot you.

There was surprise on Harold’s High Street this morning when chuggers arrived not to raise money for charities that help those most in need but for Eton College the public school which currently charges £30,000 a year in fees plus many thousands in extras.

“I was confused about why they needed more money,” said shopper Geraldine Forster, “but then a terribly happy young man with a clipboard told me that independent schools are charities just like Children in Need and in many ways their pupils are children in need. They need golf courses, beagle packs, school trips to Pago Pago that sort of thing.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as chuggers, Eton, Evening Harold, independent schools charitable status, tax-exemption

by Max C-F | November 7, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Emigration crisis pending as seven out of ten Brits apply to live in Ankh-Morpork

Ankh-Morpork: a sprawling city-state ruled by a tyrant where life is often nasty, brutish and short. Beats the crap out of London.

Britain has been plunged into an emigration crisis as newly published figures reveal that no fewer than seven out of ten of us have applied to leave the country to live and work in Ankh-Morpork.

Ankh-Morpork is the largest city on the Discworld which some say is a fictional realm created by Sir Terry Pratchett but to a great many people is as real as Tamriel, The Shire and Gotham City i.e. completely. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Ankh-Morpork, Discworld, Evening Harold, Gotham City, Granny Weatherwax, Lord Vetinari, Raising Steam, Tamriel, Terry Pratchett, The Shire

by Max C-F | November 6, 2013 · 7:00 am

Russell Brand shock: he’s not the nation’s moral leader after all

Peter Pan complex: is Brand the sixth form debater who never grew up?

There was shock for Russell Brand’s acolytes yesterday when it turned out that he is not the nation’s moral leader and holds no official position in either government or the church.

“I thought he was like boss of everything,” said Harold resident and long-term Brand follower Sean Pavey. “Because he gets blanket press coverage and goes on Newsnight giving it the big I am, I assumed he was important.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, Iain Duncan Smithh, revolution, Russell Brand, Russell Crowe, Russell Howard, voting

by Max C-F | November 2, 2013 · 11:00 am

Samaritans at 60: charity reveals top three reasons people call them

Happy birthday Samaritans. Five million calls answered a year and no one ever gets put on hold. Whatever you’re doing we wish you could train the call centre at our bank to do it too.

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Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, George Osborne, Iain Duncan-Smith, Samaritans, Samaritans 60th anniversary

by Max C-F | November 1, 2013 · 7:00 am

Brooks and Coulson in six-year affair with Rupert Murdoch

Who could resist that face?

The News International phone-hacking trial took a romantic turn yesterday when Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson admitted that they’d both had a six year affair with Rupert Murdoch. Side-by-side in the dock Brooks, former editor of The Sun and Coulson who was her deputy before going on to edit the News of the World, became emotional as they recounted their heady days of love with the octogenarian inspiration for Darth Sidious. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Andy Coulson, Evening Harold, phone-hacking trial, Rebekah Brooks, Rupert Murdoch

by Max C-F | October 30, 2013 · 11:00 am

Cameron’s hope for the future: I want your children to work for mine

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A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.

While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.

“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.

Continue reading →

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Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, Nick Clegg, philip hammond, theresa may

by Max C-F | October 27, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Nation gripped by panic as BBC weather presenter says storm won’t be serious

Oxford Street as it’s predicted to be by tomorrow. We don’t know the cause of the storm for sure but we’re fairly convinced it’s happening because David Cameron shot an albatross.

The country is officially at panic stations this morning ever since a BBC weather presenter told viewers of Breakfast that the approaching storm won’t be serious.

“It was terrifying,” said Sally Kettle who was watching in her kitchen in Harold. “She was all calm and said ‘Earlier on today apparently a woman left a post on our message board and said she’d heard that there is a hurricane on the way. Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t...’ then she looked right into the camera and gave a reassuring little smile. You know what that means, don’t you? We’re doomed!”

Continue reading →

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Tagged as 1987, albatross, David Cameron, Evening Harold, hurricane, storm

by Max C-F | October 26, 2013 · 10:00 am

New tax on prams in coffee shops gives government boost in polls

A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.

The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.

“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, George Osborne, Starbucks

by Max C-F | October 25, 2013 · 2:30 pm

The Sun says ‘obesity crisis is sexy’ and welcomes first page 3 boy

Jamie, 23 thinks everyone should lighten up over the NSA call-monitoring scandal. “If a powerful man, for example the President of the USA or an elderly Australian, wants to listen in on the rest of us why should we spoil their fun?”

The Sun newspaper has declared obesity to be sexy and today published its first edition with a Page 3 boy rather than the usual if increasingly controversial Page 3 girl.

“It’s a no brainer,” explained editor David Dinsmore. “As the population gets more chunky there’s more and more lads out there with cracking sets of jubblies. So we say don’t be ashamed lads, get ’em out for the er…ladies I guess. And gay blokes. The Sun is a modern newspaper we love all that now.”

“Moobs are where it’s at,” Dinsmore enthused. “Not for me, I’m not a poof, obviously. But lets be honest we’ve all been a bit blurry in the morning and seen pictures of moob pioneers like Vladimer Putin and Simon Cowell and felt a bit of a low down tingle before realising our mistake, haven’t we?” Continue reading →

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Filed under Health, News

Tagged as David Dinsmore, Evening Harold, obesity crisis, Page 3, Simon Cowell, the sun, Vladimir Putin

by Max C-F | October 23, 2013 · 6:11 pm

Bishop blunder at Prince George’s christening

Dude, do not being upstaging Her Majesty and the little prince with your sensational Jesus bling. Bad form.

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Filed under News, Religion, Royals

Tagged as Evening Harold, Prince George, Prince George's christening, royal baptism

by Max C-F | October 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Supermarkets to cut down on food waste by no longer selling stupid stuff

You have never and you will never need one of these.

Following an announcement by Tesco yesterday that it’s dropping some of its promotions in order to prevent food waste British supermarkets have vowed to stop selling stupid stuff.

‘Apparently four million tonnes of food that’s perfectly edible, and I mean proper edible not food you’d maybe donate to a food bank then feel slightly guilty about, is thrown away in Britain each year,’ said Sue Gordon, spokesperson for the British Association of Supermarket Retailers. ‘Our members which include every major chain looked at the problem in depth and realised much of this could be avoided if they simply stopped selling stupid stuff. I mean did you know Waitrose sell ostrich eggs that cost nearly twenty quid each. Ostrich eggs! Have we all lost our minds?’ Continue reading →

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Filed under Business, News

Tagged as cut food waste, Evening Harold, Tesco, waitrose

Author Archives: Max C-F

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