The ECB have sacked England’s highest ever run-scorer in order to…er…score more runs. More on this story should it ever make sense.
Author Archives: Max C-F
Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs
Comments Off on Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs
Filed under Sport
Olympics over for Rover: Stray dogs executed in Sochi after Putin sees one “being a bit gay”
Dimitri and Vyacheslav’s is a forbidden love
Vladimir Putin has personally ordered that thousands of stray dogs be exterminated in and around Sochi before the Winter Olympics begin after spotting one “being a bit gay” on an inspection of Fishst Olympic Stadium. Continue reading
Comments Off on Olympics over for Rover: Stray dogs executed in Sochi after Putin sees one “being a bit gay”
Filed under International News
Remember the good times: Desperate England sends Scotland a playlist of their greatest hits together
We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.
Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.
“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading
Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show
A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy.
Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that the government will retain the right to choose who it lets in. The Home Secretary acknowledged that whittling down the estimated 2.5 million refugees to just the five hundred deemed worthy of exposure to Chicken Cottage, Richard Littlejohn and The One Show will be tough and confirmed that the actual selection process will be undertaken by Simon Cowell and broadcast every Saturday and Sunday in ITV for the next six months. Continue reading
Comments Off on Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
He was too clever for us: Oxford students defend their braying support for Godfrey Bloom as he insulted disabled student.
Oxford University at night
Oxford students who attended last night’s Oxford Union debate during which Ukip MEP Godfrey Bloom interrupted a student to ask “are you Richard III or not” in clear reference to that student’s physical disability have today defended their braying reaction in support of Bloom’s comment by saying that he was too clever for them. Continue reading
Beatles to perform at Grammys: fears of Hey Jude lasting at least 20 minutes continue to grow
We think they should do a mash-up of their two greatest songs and wow the crowd with Octopus’s Chorus.
Comments Off on Beatles to perform at Grammys: fears of Hey Jude lasting at least 20 minutes continue to grow
Filed under Entertainment
Ukip: A new manifesto
We know that this story should have a photo of Nigel Farage but we can’t bear to stare at his gaping maw yet again.
Ukip’s Nigel Farage has announced that the party has abandoned its previous manifesto and won’t be creating a new one until after the European elections. We at the Evening Harold are saddened to think of Ukip as being ruddy-faced and yet rudderless so we’ve put together a new manifesto for them.
Their previous one was 486 pages long however we’re confident we’ve got Ukip covered in just twelve simple points. Continue reading
Duncan Smith: I will free people trapped on benefits by forcing them into slavery
Maybe it’s harder than it seems: photo shows the result of Duncan Smith being asked to point to his arse and his elbow.
In a speech yesterday Iain Duncan Smith announced that benefit recipients who aren’t in employment will become slaves as part of the Tory party’s “historic mission…to give people from chaotic lives security through hard work. And the security that they will get is knowing that the hard work will never end.” Continue reading
Winter Olympics: heavy-handed outreach project forces ski jump on village primary school
St Mary’s Primary School ski jump as seen from Harold’s recreation ground. On a clear day if you stand at the top you can just make out Dunstable’s dreaming spires.
Villagers in Harold are getting increasingly angry over the ski jump that was forced upon the local primary school. Denounced as an eyesore it was built despite strong local protest in what some are calling an exceptionally heavy-handed grass roots campaign to get more children competing in winter sports. Continue reading
Comments Off on Winter Olympics: heavy-handed outreach project forces ski jump on village primary school
Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Soap opera suicide: tears as Coalition Street character kills themselves
Sad but inevitable. The Nick Clegg character had long ceased to be useful.
Viewers of the soap opera Coalition Street are advised to have the tissues handy for tonight’s episode which promises to be a serious tearjerker as Nick Clegg will be seen choosing assisted suicide over annihilation at the next general election. Continue reading
Comments Off on Soap opera suicide: tears as Coalition Street character kills themselves
Filed under Entertainment, Politics
God blames Ukip for flood of stupidity
God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.
In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading
“Keep your money in a sock”: Miliband outlines plans for banking reform
The more wealthy among us can also use the Royal Bank of Mattress
In a speech at the University of London later on today, Labour leader Ed Miliband will criticise the current culture of banks being too big to fail and outline his plans for financial reform, a key part of which being that everyone should simply keep their money in a sock until this whole mess blows over. Continue reading
New Harry Potter leaked: ‘Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal’ is the darkest book yet
Sadly for Harry outstanding courage and loyalty are no help when your enemy is the DWP.
Leaked copies of the eighth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal, have confirmed speculation that this new book will see the former boy wizard all grown-up and struggling with life in David Cameron’s Britain. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News
“Slavery was ace”: Gove on a roll after his re-imagining of WWI
We hear Gove we picture Delores Umbridge, it’s like an illness. Does anyone know any centaurs?
Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.” Continue reading
World mourns Ariel Sharon/does no such thing
Ariel Sharon: pictured here during his young Boris Becker phase.
Ariel Sharon former Prime Minister of Israel died yesterday aged 85. He was one of the last of the generation that fought in the 1948 Palestine War which led to Britain realising it was in over its head as well as broke and buggering off/the creation of the State of Israel.
Though only twenty at the time Sharon was a gifted soldier/reckless prick who rose through the ranks of the newly formed Israeli army and by 1953 was commanding Unit 101 an elite squad that slaughtered women and children/fought bravely to eradicate Palestinian terrorists. Continue reading
Comments Off on World mourns Ariel Sharon/does no such thing
Filed under International News
Channel 4 faces viewer backlash over benefits documentary ‘Downing Street’
At least the residents of Downing Street, whom many viewers have dubbed scum, are kept locked away from the rest of us.
Channel 4 is facing a viewer backlash over its documentary on benefits simply titled ‘Downing Street’. During the show residents of the eponymous street are seen allowing the UK to become the world’s number one haven for dodgy accounting and tax evasion which costs the economy billions a year and saying that in this time of austerity we’re all in this together while they themselves claim tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money in the form of MPs expenses despite being multi-millionaires. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
Romanians panic as bankrupt Nick Griffin heads to Bucharest to look for work
Bankrupt: morally, intellectually…
There was panic on the streets of Romanian capital Bucharest this afternoon as citizens braced themselves for an influx of BNP leader Nick Griffin who is heading there to look for work after being declared bankrupt at Welshpool County Count.
“We don’t want Nick Griffins coming here and taking all our jobs,” said IT consultant Ion Bâlan. “They behave in a disgusting way that is completely at odds with Romanian values, we do not want them in our city living off state handouts then going on our version of Question Time looking mad. The Romanian government should close the borders to such people.” Continue reading
Oh what a lovely fake war: conscription introduced for WWI centenary dramas
No Americans needed until April 2017.
Conscription has been introduced in the UK for the first time in over fifty years in order to provide casts for the forthcoming onslaught of dramas and documentaries about the First World War which will begin in this the centenary year of the start of the conflict and be broadcast until November 11th 2018.
“Conscription is absolutely vital,” said Culture Secretary Maria Miller. “Without it this country is simply unable to provide enough young, posh actors with floppy hair to play doomed officers. Nor will we have enough short northern blokes to play chippy sergeants or older character actors with booming voices capable of growing excellent moustaches to be out-of-touch generals.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Oh what a lovely fake war: conscription introduced for WWI centenary dramas
Filed under Entertainment
Just like Sherlock: Nick Clegg reveals how he faked his own death (political)
We probably should’ve used a picture of Nick Clegg for this but who would you rather look at?
Since May 2010 it’s been a national obsession and finally last night we were put out of our misery when just like BBC1 One’s Sherlock, Nick Clegg revealed how he faked his own death. While in Clegg’s case the death was political not actual it too required meticulous planning and gave rise to fevered online speculation.
Clegg was seen campaigning against tuition fees, scaring the bejesus out of everyone with his talk of a ‘Tory VAT bombshell’ and promising an increase in living standards plus taxes that would benefit the many not the few. He participated televised leaders debates with Gordon Brown and David Cameron coming across as possibly the least weird and Cleggmania happened. Continue reading
Comments Off on Just like Sherlock: Nick Clegg reveals how he faked his own death (political)
Filed under Entertainment, Politics
The ten things every Romanian coming to Britain needs to know
The Home Secretary and the Prime Minister: run from them as you would the wolf.
Bună ziua şi Bine Aţi Venit la Marea Britanie!
Hello and welcome to Britain our new Romanian friends! If certain tabloids are to be believed then fully one hundred percent of you moved in shortly after midnight. To help smooth your transition from your old country to your new we have put together this handy list of the top ten things you need to know. Print it out, carry it with you at all times and consult it often.
Good luck and nu vă lăsaţi-i pe nenorociţi vă macină în jos. Continue reading
Filed under News
You must be logged in to post a comment.