Dave’s on an awkwardly posing holiday.
Which means this chap’s in charge: Continue reading
Author Archives: Max C-F
Don’t blame Me for your mess, Dave: Jesus denies all involvement in Cameron’s Big Society
A younger, bearded David Cameron standing up to the bankers. Or it’s Jesus being tremendous, we forget which.
In a speech that had many wondering if it was somehow still April 1st David Cameron claimed that he is doing the Lord’s work. Something which Jesus strenuously denies.
In his speech Cameron said: “Jesus invented the Big Society 2,000 years ago. I just want to see more of it.” Continue reading
“Scottish independence will bring Voldemort back” claims Lord Robertson
Is this what you want, Scotland? Well, is it?
In a truly apocalyptic speech given in the United States former defence secretary and Nato chief Lord Robertson claimed that Voldemort would rise again if Scotland becomes independent. Citing “forces of darkness” and “cataclysmic” effects Lord Robertson warned that life as we know it would end if the union between England and Scotland is rent asunder. Continue reading
Filed under News
Village becomes UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone
Tony Blair: massive threat to both village productivity and world peace
The village of Harold has declared itself the UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone after it was determined that he was having an adverse effect on productivity.
“We’ve lost countless working hours to Tony Blair,” said Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Every time he’s on the radio, TV or in the press pontificating about this, trying to start another war over that, people are unable to concentrate on their jobs as they have to vent about his hypocrisy and greed.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Village becomes UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone
Filed under Politics
Duchess of Cambridge Down Under: desperate search for photogenic disabled kids for her to hug continues
This kid was rejected for being too damn cool
As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their tour of New Zealand and Australia the hunt for the most photogenic disabled or seriously ill children in both countries has intensified. It is a requirement of the tour that Kate is photographed hugging at least three sick or mobility impaired children a day and finding ones that fit the criteria laid down by Buckingham Palace is proving to be a tough job. Continue reading
England gets Scottish flag tattoo as a declaration of love for its northern neighbour
If it all goes tits up then they can always have it changed into a no stopping sign or something
With just over six months to go until the independence referendum England has made a permanent declaration of love by getting a Saltire tattoo.
“This proves just how much I love Scotland,” said England. “But I had it done on the Yorkshire Dales so if I need to cover it up for work I can.”
Comments Off on England gets Scottish flag tattoo as a declaration of love for its northern neighbour
Filed under News
Pippa Middleton humanely destroyed after fall at Grand National
Pippa Middleton’s arse: we shall not see its like again
There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.
Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.
Prince Philip to have tea with the Pope: menu includes cake and casual racism
Tense times: diplomats fear that Prince Philip will not heed their warnings and insist on telling his Belgrano joke.
It should have been a pleasant occasion, two amiable old pensioners, who both believe in God, massive wealth, splendid ceremonial outfits and the undemocratic retention of power, sharing a pot of Earl Grey and a bit of gossip. Unfortunately it has been announced that Prince Philip will be accompanying the Queen to her meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican this afternoon.
Continue reading
Let’s talk about sex, Tories: disenchanted voters pine for good old-fashioned sleaze
The Conservative Party logo during the Major years
Disenchanted voters have been complaining about the lack of sex scandals within the current Tory party.
“It’s disappointing,” complained Harold support worker Mark Keen. “This lot are so into telling us all how to live and going on about family this and decent, honest people that that by now you’d’ve thought at least half of them would’ve been caught trousers down or skirt up in a petting zoo.”
Atos replaced by PE teachers: Duncan Smith praises their skills at “weeding out shirkers”
Not equipped for work? Legally she can now make you go job hunting in your pants.
In a surprise move Iain Duncan Smith has announced that Atos, the company whose callousness made Lord Voldemort look like Michael Palin, will be replaced by “some PE teachers.”
Mayor’s hair must be everywhere: London’s men now required to get same haircut as Boris Johnson
Who wouldn’t want this hair? Oh, everyone. Okay then.
Following in the rumoured to be freakishly small and girl-like footsteps of Kim Jong-un, Mayor of London and Womble-that’s-let-itself-go made flesh Boris Johnson has issued a proclamation stating that all men in the capital must henceforth have the same haircut as him.
USA explains sudden interest in oil-and-diamond rich Uganda
Could it be the wildlife? We’d go miles to see a beast called Lord Derby’s scaly-tailed squirrel too.
A senior official at the US Department of Defense has confirmed that the USA is this week sending a detachment of special forces troops to oil-and-diamond rich Uganda which will also carry out missions in Central African Republic (diamonds, oil and uranium) DR Congo (oil, diamonds, cobalt, uranium and coltan) and South Sudan (oil, so much oil. It has oil like Game of Thrones has plot twists, like Minecraft has blocks, like your mum has sailors. South Sudan has a lot of oil is what we’re trying to say.).
Comments Off on USA explains sudden interest in oil-and-diamond rich Uganda
Filed under International News
Hands off your forelocks, feet in your socks: new report says Brits waste money and time overusing the word royal
Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Or we could call her Granny Bling Hat.
In a controversial new report Harold academic Professor Julia Hogsburn is calling for the word royal to be banned from public life. In it she details how much money is spent each year by forelock tugging Brits insisting on writing royal in front of things. Continue reading
Comments Off on Hands off your forelocks, feet in your socks: new report says Brits waste money and time overusing the word royal
Filed under Around Harold, Royals
Millions now suffering from git fatigue says NHS
To illustrate this story we decided to use the first famous face that would come up when we image searched ‘annoying man’.
In a stark new report on the nation’s health the NHS has revealed that millions of us are now believed to be suffering from git fatigue.
Elderly bigots delighted by Osborne’s Ukip budget
Mornings are not the time to have to cope with George Osborne’s face so here’s a picture of your reporter’s cat instead.
Elderly bigots across the country are enjoying their first full day of gains from a budget designed especially for them.
“This is a budget for the makers, the doers and most especially anyone who was thinking of voting Ukip in 2015,” said George Osborne. “We’re putting Britain further to the right, but the job is far from done.”
Osborne’s budget took 5p off the cover price of both the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph, put a cap on the top price of World at War boxsets and abolished VAT on golfing equipment as well as on clothes bought at garden centres.
“Both the Tories and Ukip get the majority of their votes from the over fifty-fives,” explained the Chancellor. “This gave the budget a clear goal: appeal to the loons and sod everyone else. This isn’t about the standard of living or safe-guarding jobs this is about my standard of living and safe-guarding my job.”
However Osborne has denied that his budget was entirely focussed on wooing Ukip.
“I took a penny off a pint of beer and halved the duty on bingo. That’s what the proles like, isn’t it? Maybe next year I’ll also include something about football and tanning machines. That ought to do the trick.”
At the time of going to press no Ukip spokesperson was available for comment as they were too busy blaming the first day of spring on the fact that homosexuals can get married and resenting that the countryside is once more becoming bright and gay.
Andy Murray ditches coach Ivan Lendl for not being miserable enough
Ivan Lendl: the absolute personification of jolliness
Andy Murray has split with Ivan Lendl the coach under whose guidance he won both Wimbledon and Olympic gold saying that Lendl simply wasn’t “miserable enough”.
“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Murray told reporters. “Twice already this year Ivan’s smiled during a coaching session and, though he denies it, I swear I once heard him chuckle when he was talking to his wife on the phone.” Continue reading
Russell Crowe to play SuperTed in dark ‘re-imagining’ of 80s cartoon
Method actor: In preparation for his new role Russ begins to grow his fur.
Anticipation over the forthcoming SuperTed film has today reached fever pitch with the announcement that Russell Crowe has been cast as the eponymous superhero.
SuperTed, formally an early 80s cartoon character voiced by Derek Giffiths, has been ‘reimagined’ by Batman director Christopher Nolan who has turned it into a much darker tale. Continue reading
Comments Off on Russell Crowe to play SuperTed in dark ‘re-imagining’ of 80s cartoon
Filed under Entertainment, News
Needy England wishes Ireland a very happy St Patrick’s Day
Ireland: Phwoar, look at the Causeway on that.
“You’re beautiful Ireland, you know that? You’re amazing with your, with your, with your hills and your Causeway and all the stuff. M’not just saying that because I’ve had a drink. But I have had a drink and I’ve had it for you! It’s your special day and I’m going to celebrate it sooo hard cos I love ya! I love ya. Continue reading
Workplaces empty as thousands call in sick with Titanfall plague
We have no idea what’s going on there but we’re sure it’s more exciting than an inter-department strategy meeting.
Workplaces across the country are empty or severely understaffed this morning as hundreds of thousands of people have called in sick with Titanfall plague. Continue reading
Comments Off on Workplaces empty as thousands call in sick with Titanfall plague
Filed under Entertainment, Technology
Pope discovers niqab is perfect disguise when secretly feeding the homeless
Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
You must be logged in to post a comment.