Author Archives: Perks

by | December 15, 2013 · 2:13 pm

Facebook ‘auto-suggest’ means no Chris will be forgotten this Christmas

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With Christmas being one of the most typed words into a status update at the moment, Facebook’s auto-suggest feature is ensuring anyone named Christopher, Chris or Christine will not be forgotten over the festive season.

The feature on the social media platform sees a list of names beginning with Chris pop up every time a user starts typing Christmas.

Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg explained: “We introduced the feature to help users remember their friends’ names each time they bang their fists on the keyboard in an attempt to string a sentence together.
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by | December 13, 2013 · 7:00 am

Events in North Korea see Prince Harry ‘nervous’ around nephew Prince George

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.

Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.

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by | December 12, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Pope fights off right-wing nut job and war criminal to win Person of the Year

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Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.

The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
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by | · 7:00 am

Church to offer ‘Vegas-style weddings’, swapping Elvis for Cliff Richard

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A local Church has decided to start offering Vegas-style weddings in a bid to increase tourism levels in the village of Harold, but instead of Elvis performing the ceremony, there will be a distinctively British feel with the Vicar dressing up as Cliff Richard.

“I was on holiday in Vegas in the summer and was amazed at the amount of chapels offering people the chance to be married by an Elvis impersonator,” Reverend Tansy Forster explained.

“So I thought ‘what us the closest thing we have to Elvis?’ and Sir Cliff seemed like the obvious answer. Continue reading →

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by | December 9, 2013 · 7:00 am

Manchester United crisis deepens as glory supporters put in transfer request

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After a week he would rather forget, Manchester United boss, David Moyes, will be feeling more pressure this morning following rumours the club’s glory supporters have put in a transfer request.

The fans, many of whom joined the club after the treble winning season in 1999 seem to have taken the same route as striker Robin Van Persie and are looking for a move away from Old Trafford at the first sign of mediocrity.

“I’ve supported the team for every single year of my life, since ’99, and have been to Old Trafford on at least three separate occasions” glory supporter, Bill Treadwell told us.

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by | December 8, 2013 · 11:00 am

Feature: 6 reasons 90s Harold was so much better than today.

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“Kids these days, huh” and “it wasn’t like that in my day”, these are just some of the phrases wheeled out at the first sign someone is getting old and showing symptoms of envy at the younger generation. But seriously, Harold isn’t like it was in our day, and kids these days have no respect. To prove the point, here is a list of 6 reasons ’90s Harold was much better than it is today.

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by | December 6, 2013 · 3:30 pm

Police deploy paradoxical kettle as students arrested for protesting about students being arrested at a protest against the arrest of students

This protester was told he would be released as soon as he left the area

This protester was told he would be released as soon as he left the area

Students protesting at the University of London have accused police of kettling them in a logical paradox as a number of students were beaten up and arrested for protesting about students being beaten up and arrested at a protest to highlight the plight of students being beaten up and arrested.

The police tactic of paradoxical kettling has been criticised before. The last time came during student protests opposing tuition fee rises.

On that occasion protesters were subject to paradoxical kettling for not dispersing despite being kettled for non-dispersal from a kettle.

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by | · 11:00 am

Man sees his three-year-old in the flesh for first time after his iPad battery runs out

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A man has had the emotional experience of seeing his three-year-old son in the flesh for the first time. The emotional reunion came as the man’s ipad unexpectedly run out of power.

“From the moment he popped his head into this world, I have proudly captured every moment of his life on my iPad, no matter how silly I looked filming on a tablet” the man told us.

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by | December 5, 2013 · 7:00 am

Ancient cave painting thought to be first example of MP’s expense claim

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Fifteen years of research on cave paintings in Harold Gorge has come to the conclusion the markings are an early example of a cave-man parliamentarian’s expenses claim.

“The first few items indicated these drawings may have been a way for a cave-man to document the time he lived in” local historian, Sam Tully explained. “We are used to seeing images of predators and family.

“But we really got confused by the pictures of a chauffeur driven walrus and cart, badger fur rug, and detailed drawing of a moat being cleaned.”

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by | December 3, 2013 · 12:30 pm

UK falls down world education league tables; great result for Simon Cowell

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Shanghai may have clever kids, but do they have Jedward?

The UK has fallen outside of the top 20 in a world league table of educational standards, a result seen as “positive” by X-Factor creator, Simon Cowell.

“Having an education is one thing, but aiming for a decent career takes away people’s ambition to be famous for five minutes,” Cowell said.
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by | December 2, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Aldi employ sheepdogs to ‘herd’ customers around their shops

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Discount supermarket, Aldi, has announced its plan to get customers in and out as quickly as possible in the run up to Christmas. From Thursday stores will employ sheepdogs to herd people around the stores and to the tills.

“We often see an increase in customers this time of year, and many are here for first time,” joint chief executive, Matthew Barnes said.

“We make no money from people standing around in the aisles or taking time to read the ingredients, so we have partially trained Bull Terriers to herd them round as quickly as possible.
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by | November 28, 2013 · 11:00 am

5-day search ends as missing shopping trolley found dead in village stream

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The search for a missing shopping trolley from Dunstable came to a tragic end yesterday when it was found dead in a stream in the nearby village of Harold.

PC Flegg said: “The trolley was found by a local man walking his badger. At this point we’re not sure how the trolley ended up in the stream, but early indications are it was pushed. We are ruling out any sort of mugging as the trolley was found to still have all its money on it, £1 in a slot on the handle. Its next of kin has been informed.”

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by | November 27, 2013 · 3:00 pm

Village Pedants’ Association calls for porn ban until ‘standards of grammar improve’

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Members of ‘Harold’s Pedants’ Association’ have voted overwhelmingly to call for a ban on pornography in the village until levels of grammar in the specialist movies have improved.

Tyrone (Ty) Tars, leader of the group told us: “Whether enjoying as a couple or as a solo activity, concentrating on the finer nuances of the adult film genre is made almost impossible by grammatical errors you only expect from a greengrocer.
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by | · 11:00 am

UK government to solve Gibraltar crisis through privatisation.

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With the on-going dispute with Spain over the sovereignty of Gibraltar slowly turning into an expensive chest beating exercise, the British Government has revealed plans to reduce the cost of constant complaints to the EU.

“This tit-for-tat argument is costing British tax payers a fortune,” Prime Minister David Cameron explained. “That’s why we are going to privatise Gibraltar next Thursday.”
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by | November 22, 2013 · 9:00 am

Former Co-op bank boss not worried about arrest: ‘Bankers don’t go to prison’

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The former boss of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers has been arrested by police in connection with a ‘drug supply investigation’.

Despite being questioned by police, his lawyers have said they are pretty confident no charges will be brought against their client as generally ‘bankers don’t go to prison’.

“People say bankers learnt nothing after the global financial crash,” a member of his legal team said. “But they did actually learn one very important lesson. Bankers don’t go to jail, especially the incompetent ones.

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by | November 21, 2013 · 2:00 pm

The Jeremy Kyle Show board game – in shops for Christmas

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Batteries, security and toothless idiots not included

Following on from previous successful television show themed board games, the makers of The Jeremy Kyle Show have revealed a new board game based on the controversial chat show, to be in the shops in time for Christmas.

The game contains all of the elements of the programme, including a DNA kit, a lie detector, a blow up audience and an after-game care team.

“People love spending Boxing Day with the family playing ‘who wants to be a millionaire,” Kyle told reporters at the launch in a Toys ‘R’ Us store.

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by | November 19, 2013 · 7:24 pm

England 0 – Germany 1 : Full match report

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England Vs Germany is one of the oldest football rivalries in football, so even though this game was a friendly, for the fans it means so much more. For the officials however, it is a game that needed to be handled sensitively which is why although it was all supposed to kick off between 19:39 and 19:45, they opted for a less controversial time of 20:00.

Wearing their traditional white strip, England kicked off against a Germany in green and white. England started well despite playing the first 5 minutes with ITV pundit Andy Townsend on the right. This misunderstanding was soon corrected and he was replaced with the intended Andros Townsend, which was a shame as Andros’s punditry was of a much higher standard than Andy’s

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by | November 18, 2013 · 7:00 am

Party leaders ask couples to ‘start conceiving babies to kiss’ in time for 2015 election

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Having a real baby to kiss will stop Ed having to use his imagination

With around 18 months to go until the next General Election, the three main political party leaders and Nick Clegg are encouraging young, good looking and fertile couples to start reproducing to ensure a healthy supply of babies to kiss during their campaigns.

In what is seen to be the last tradition that still allows grown men to kiss strangers’ children, the act is seen by many spin doctors as a good way to make the front pages and gain votes without having to be held to account on policy.

“If these preferably beautiful couples start creating little bundles of electoral gold now, then they will be 9 months old at the height of the Election Campaign” ex-labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell explained. “Politicians are at their core, a little bit thick. Having a few nine-month-old pieces of political capital spread around a meet and greet gives them a diversion from real people asking questions on policy.”

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by | November 17, 2013 · 8:00 am

Student at the ‘University of Life’ to take a gap year

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After 37 years at the University of Life, Jon Sanders from Harold has decided to take a gap year to ‘enlighten his life’ by completing a law course at Dunstable University.

Mr Sanders has been a proud student at the University of Life since leaving school at 14, a fact he talks about with the pride, enthusiasm and smugness of an Oxbridge graduate.

“I was never the ‘academic type’,” Mr Sanders explained, “which would normally lead people towards art college or a media studies degree, but I decided to do all my learning in the real world.”

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by | November 15, 2013 · 11:00 am

Residents complain at the influx of ‘Bitstrippers’ living in the village

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Residents in the village of Harold have raised their concerns at a public meeting about the arrival of a ‘Bitstrip’ family to the village. The family have moved in next door to Carly Jeffery and her two young children.

Ms Jeffery told us: “I’m no cartoonist, but, these people are just an annoying danger to everyone around them. They are continually setting fire to things and committing other acts of violence, taking photos of themselves in the act and uploading those pictures to Facebook with some stupid comment at the bottom.”

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