Following on from an undercover Panorama reporter into the mistreatment of the elderly, Jeremy Paxman has admitted he can’t take it anymore and announced he is to leave Newsnight.
Disturbing scenes showed members of the Newsnight production team shouting at him and often reducing him to tears.
In one instance a junior researcher can be seen giving him a slap for complaining his latte was too sweet.
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Filed under breaking news, Lifestyle, News
Edits to a Wikipedia page that described Nick Clegg as ‘funny, bright, and full of testosterone’ have been tracked to a government PC, his.
The changes which included lines saying he was ‘well respected within the coalition’ and ‘an honest man, true to his word’ have now been corrected, but questions are being asked into who made the incorrect statements.
“I know they have tracked the changes back to my computer, but I promise it wasn’t me,” Nick Clegg told reporters.
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1% of voters have spotted the similarity
A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.
“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”
Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’
Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.
Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food
We’re not shallow, we love him for his mind.
George Clooney has made his engagement to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin official. The actor had long been regarded as the ultimate catch and now he’s no longer available millions of women worldwide are grateful to be able to at last pile on the pounds and go a bit shabby. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
After last night’s vote in favour of HS2, David Cameron has announced the whole project will cost a lot less than originally thought with plans to get jobseekers to build the entire project as part of the governments ‘help to work’ scheme.
“Those receiving benefits should no longer think they can keep getting something for nothing, unless of course that something for nothing is inheritance from an extremely wealthy relative,” Cameron told MPs.
“So those looking for, or unable to work can contribute to this major infrastructure project by being forced to volunteer on it.”
With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.
“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.
The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Culture, News
Oi, Farage. In the almost words of Lieutenant Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!
It’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation! Ukip Bingo is fast, furious (about immigrants) and fun! Every time a Ukip councillor or prospective Ukip MEP tweets/says something abominable whip out your free Evening Harold Ukip Bingo card and as the press react and Ukip go on the defensive it’s eyes down for a full house!
It’s new, it’s crazy, and in the run up to the European elections you can play every day! Continue reading
Filed under Politics
It had been thought that the letter sold for a record £119,000 at the weekend had been the last letter written from the Titanic, but now another letter has surfaced which was not only being written at the moment of impact with the iceberg but also includes the first written instance of the acronym ‘WTF’.
“This is a really exciting find,” said auctioneer Jack Hamburg of auctioneers Hamburg & Grunter. “The letter actually refers to the iceberg itself, before moving into the all-important WTF, which makes it stand above the other tat that is usually associated with the old legend.”
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No good ever comes from titles that end in exclamation marks. Apart from Westward Ho! We love it there.
The former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has told the Evening Harold that Britain is in a “post-Cowell era”. He cited the closure of the X-Factor musical I Can’t Sing after just six weeks in the West End as proof that people no longer believe in Simon Cowell in the great numbers they once did. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
A landfill is a depressing image for a Sunday morning so here’s an entirely unrelated picture of somewhere beautiful. We’re not sure where this is but judging by the presence of a mountain we think it’s North Wales.
The Tory party’s integrity has been discovered in a landfill in New Mexico. Long believed to be an urban legend excavators were surprised to find it buried under thousands of tonnes of rubbish. Continue reading
Suspicion is growing that a photo supposedly showing UKIP leader Nigel Farage in his youth as a rebellious punk rocker is in fact a forgery.
The photo, above, seems to clearly show Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious looking adoringly into Farage’s eyes, and it is these subtle homoerotic overtones which have allegedly caused the UKIP hierarchy to demand a ban from all media outlets.
In fact, close examination by experts has now revealed that despite all appearances, the photo may in fact not be genuine. This is hard to believe, given its authentic appearance, but Photoshop gurus have managed to spot a few tell-tale discrepancies which may begin to cast doubts.
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Filed under Europe, Politics, Showbusiness
“I’m no racist – some of my best friends are darkies” explained Gavin
Token Friends founder Jenny May of Harold explained the website’s appeal:
“The sort of people who traditionally relied on the ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ line to explain away their seemingly racist or homophobic rants now no longer have any black or gay friends left for some reason. Our website allows them to obtain that invaluable friend so they can continue explaining their ‘point of view’ down at the pub and in the online comments section of the Daily Mail.”
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Can you really afford that pen?
Under new rules that take effect on Saturday, mortgage applicants face tougher questions about their lifestyle, to give lenders greater confidence that borrowers will actually have the ability to pay.
Questions from lenders about customers’ regular outgoings – including childcare costs and even haircuts – could be included in affordability checks, along with a range of other lifestyle queries.
At the Evening Harold, we have obtained an early draft copy of the new questionnaire, so why not try it yourself and find out whether, in these difficult times, the mortgage companies will see you as a good risk? Continue reading
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Filed under Economy
Fall crucifix, fall!
A number of welfare recipients say they now realise Cameron really was doing God’s work with his brave programme of benefit cuts teaching them to be self-reliant and entrepreneurial.
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Filed under International News, Politics, Religion
Sinister much?
The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.
Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:
“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading
A village post office has been criticised for its ‘draconian behaviour’ after having an elderly customer clamped and removed for spending too much time chatting as she drew her pension.
Eye witness, Dave Zhou, was in a long queue behind pensioner Elsie Duggan when the clampers moved into action. “The old dear at the front of the queue had been deep in conversation at the counter for ages when an alarm sounded and two men in hi-viz grubby overalls stormed in and clamped her walking frame. Then they lifted her onto a trolley and wheeled her out of the building. The last I saw was them hoisting her onto the back of a truck by crane.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Slightly cheaper than burning an approved fire log.
An advert for holiday sharks Centre Parcs has been banned, after claims that it showed a visitor who still had a penny to his name.
Amidst the normal crowd of gaunt faces and children dressed in rags was a man looking at a menu, and wondering whether to buy chips.
“The very idea that anyone can come away from Centre Parcs while still remaining solvent is a disgusting distortion of the truth”, said campaigner Pippa Delaney.
“We’d done most of our money before we’d left the car park and had to spend the remaining four days eating soil. We just sat in our chalet trying to remember how to play charades, and fantasising about cooking a swan over one of their £87 fire logs.”
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Filed under Advertisments, Business, Travel
Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.
Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.
In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.
‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’
At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’
Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment
Ancient names that have not been used for hundreds of years are making a comeback as parents search for individual identities for their new born children.
After a period when Christian names were sourced from Gaelic surnames or favourite drinks, the fashion is switching to names derived from history with boy’s names growing in popularity including Hamlet, Batchcock and Dogend.
Whilst Hamlet is relatively well known thanks to the works of playwright J.K. Rowling; Batchcock is Anglo Saxon in origin meaning “many dickheads”, with Dogend being Old English for “cigarette butt”. Continue reading
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