Tag Archives: russia

Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Point to someone who’s about to get impeached, Donnie

Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading

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Election latest: MPs wish they were important enough for Russia to hack

We’re with Bad Vlad on this one. Who honestly wants to know more about these people?

With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur. Continue reading

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‘Olympics is pants and we didn’t want to play anyway’ says Russia

211px-2016_Summer_Olympics_logo.svgHoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”

Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading

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Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Spiralling Trident cost ‘down to supply and demand’ reassures Osborne

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Mawkish opening ceremonies ahoy: London Olympics to be held again without Russia to make it fair

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He’ll just carry on for the new closing ceremony. He’s still doing the chorus to Hey Jude from last time

In a surprising move the International Olympic Committee has ordered that the London 2012 games be held again next week. To make it fair this time around Russia will be banned from competing and newly suspect countries in the doping crisis, Kenya and Ethiopia, will have to compete in their pants.

“Since the report proving that Russian athletes were higher than Marge Simpson’s hair during the games it’s only right to do the whole thing again,” said London 2012’s Simon Cowell, Sebastian Coe. “We can easily restage the Olympics because it’s not like a lot of the venues have been poorly maintained, many athletes have had their funding cut, or that there’s actually less sport played in this country than there was three years ago due to facilities being closed and sold to developers.” Continue reading

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Syrians grateful so many countries are bombing them to freedom

bombing

Free at last.

Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.

“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.

“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”

Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
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Jeremy Corbyn would replace Trident with Ronnie Pickering

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.

The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading

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Putin ‘spends nights searching for gay porn sites to ban’

GrindrPutin

Down with this sort of thing

Kremlin insiders have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin spends most of his evenings fearlessly trawling through the internet to find gay porn websites, so that he can have them blocked by his IT experts to prevent normal citizens from having to see them.

Russia is considering a ban on “gay emojis” – small cartoon pictures of people who happen to be the same sex – out of understandable fear that the tiny images might turn everyone homosexual.

The Russian president, however, has taken the further step of identifying every gay porn site on the web, the better to have them removed from the county’s internet.

“His stamina is incredible,” gushed one Kremlin insider. “He has investigated nearly every man-on-man site accessible from Moscow, at least the ones where the videos don’t take too long to download. We see him staggering down from his office in the mornings, barely able to hold himself upright.”

“Here is a man who can take it like few other men could.”

Putin’s enormous appetite for information has seen him exhaust the vast majority of the world’s gay porn, forcing the Kremlin to establish its own movie studio to produce enough output for the President’s continued researches.

Not content with saving Russia from cartoons and porn, Putin is now said to be seriously looking into whether western culture in general is putting the country at risk, and in the interests of research has purchased a Village People album, a pair of leather chaps and, confusingly, the box set of Mission Impossible films

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Putin’s investigation into opponent’s assassination concludes it was Professor Plum, in the library, with the lead pipe

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Vladimir Putin’s wide ranging and extensive investigation has concluded the murder of ex deputy prime minister and his political opponent Boris Nemtsov was probably carried out by Professor Plum, in the Library, with the lead pipe.

Speaking to reporters, Mr Putin said: “I have looked at all of the clues, all the evidence and had a sneak peak at the special envelope containing the cards and it all points to it being Professor Plum and definitely not the KGB, from the Kremlin, with a Kalashnikov. Continue reading

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Putin warns he can deploy more holidaymakers within 45 minutes

'Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check'

‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’

Vladimir Putin has warned the west that should it continue to interfere with the situation in Ukraine, he can deploy some more highly trained holidaymakers armed with passports, sun cream, and unlimited ammunition within 45 minutes.

“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
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Filed under Defence, International News, News, Politics

Ukraine ‘not entirely happy’ about large wooden horse approaching from Russia

horse

Nothing to see here, comrade.

Uncertainty surrounds the movement of an enormous wooden horse approaching east Ukraine from Russia after Ukrainian officials said there could definitely be something fishy about the whole business.

The horse, measuring roughly the size of a division of infantry stacked in a pile, is currently stalled in the Voronezh area, some 300 miles from Moscow. Observers said the horse appeared to be abandoned, but noted the muffled noise of troop manoeuvres coming from ‘somewhere hollow nearby’.

There have been fears Russia could use the horse in some way to launch a surprise offensive in Ukraine, but military experts think this is unlikely.

UK army spokesman Brigadier Lethbridge-Lethbridge pointed out to journalists that the day of the military horse was very much in the past.

“Hard to see how the Russians could get any tactical advantage out of this,” he confirmed. “A large, harmless although surprisingly heavy wooden animal has almost no use on the battlefield whatsoever. Our own tests with mahogany giraffes were a miserable failure.”

A Red Cross spokesman insisted the horse convoy was nothing to do with them, but asked the Ukrainian authorities to consider the potential humanitarian benefits before refusing it. “Our thoughts are with the civilians that have seen their families and homes torn apart in the conflict,” he insisted. “It might not be obvious how much help a gigantic hollow grazing animal could be, but it’s the thought that counts, surely.”

“Provocation by a cynical aggressor is not permissible on our territory,” Ukrainian Interior Minister Arsen Avakov said in a statement today. “We expect nothing more than treachery from the Russian aggressor, and for that reason we are proposing to tow the horse right into the middle of our capital city and then leave it alone all night. That should show them.”

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UN threatens to shake its fist and say ‘grrr’ if hostilities don’t end

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With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.

“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.

“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?
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UK continues to sell arms to Russia after Putin makes a ‘pinky promise’ to behave.

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In an embarrassing admission by the British government, it has become clear that the UK is still selling arms to Russia, however firm assurances over their use have been received from Vladimir Putin by way if a ‘pinky promise’.

Speaking of his first meaningful action as foreign secretary, Philip Hammond explained he flew to Russia over night to get the pinky promise from Putin.
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Another gaffe as Miliband calls for Russia to be kicked out of Commonwealth Games

"Moi, out of touch?"

“Moi, out of touch?”

Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.

Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones

“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading

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FIFA to investigate Nigeria goalkeeper for ‘bringing corruption into disrepute’

20140529-094353-35033328.jpgFifa has announced it is to investigate Nigerian goalkeeper, Austin Ejide, after he appeared to throw the ball into his own net during a friendly game with Scotland. He is to be charged with being so blatant he ‘brought corruption into disrepute’.

Speaking from his penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in Qatar, Sepp Blatter said corruption in football was “a fine art that only a very few at the top can master.”

“The way he threw the ball into his own net was an embarrassment,” Blatter explained. “Even the referee disallowed it out of sympathy and to try and give him another go at it.”

“Russia and Qatar wouldn’t have World Cups if they had just given us brown envelopes in front of the cameras, would they?

“Ok, maybe they would but the point is they didn’t. They were much more subtle.”

It was not only the obvious attempt to throw the ball into his own goal that have brought corruption into disrepute during the game.

Suspicions were aroused when he stepped up to take a penalty. The Scotland players tried to tell him he should be attempting to save it but he was adamant he would score. And he would have, had he not still had his boot laces tied together.

His teammates appeared to be unhappy with his blatant attempts to throw the game.

Nigeria defender Azubuike Egwuekw said: “It was embarrassing. I told him to get a grip, but he said he couldn’t, especially not with all the butter he had spread on his gloves.

“Eventually though he changed them, calmed down and let me score a less suspicious own goal. He really could have let the team down.”

Blatter has said that should Austin Ejide be found guilty of bringing corruption into disrepute he will be banned from playing the sport and serving on the Fifa board in the future. Either that or a fine of 500,000USD in used notes delivered to Mr Blatter directly.

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UK set to lose ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia

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After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.

The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.

Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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Sanctions on Himmler and Goebbels fail to deter Hitler from occupation of Poland

putDespite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”

The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.

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Energy comparison website boxes ‘too small’ complains Ukraine

Gazprom

Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.

Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.

“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”

Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations.  “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”

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Ukraine latest: media transfixed as white people hover on brink of war

rsz_nine665

Meanwhile soldiers from Blah march off to engage their enemy in the Democratic Republic of No One Gives A Toss

The media today remains transfixed by the crisis in the Ukraine as the prospect of white people going to war with each other is given blanket 24/7 coverage. James Harding, Director of News and Current Affairs at the BBC denied that race was an issue.

The reason the BBC is giving so much coverage to Ukraine while conflicts in other parts of the world particularly Africa go virtually unreported has nothing to do with skin colour,” he said. “This is about sex appeal not race.” Continue reading

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