Ukraine ‘not entirely happy’ about large wooden horse approaching from Russia


Nothing to see here, comrade.

Uncertainty surrounds the movement of an enormous wooden horse approaching east Ukraine from Russia after Ukrainian officials said there could definitely be something fishy about the whole business.

The horse, measuring roughly the size of a division of infantry stacked in a pile, is currently stalled in the Voronezh area, some 300 miles from Moscow. Observers said the horse appeared to be abandoned, but noted the muffled noise of troop manoeuvres coming from ‘somewhere hollow nearby’.

There have been fears Russia could use the horse in some way to launch a surprise offensive in Ukraine, but military experts think this is unlikely.

UK army spokesman Brigadier Lethbridge-Lethbridge pointed out to journalists that the day of the military horse was very much in the past.

“Hard to see how the Russians could get any tactical advantage out of this,” he confirmed. “A large, harmless although surprisingly heavy wooden animal has almost no use on the battlefield whatsoever. Our own tests with mahogany giraffes were a miserable failure.”

A Red Cross spokesman insisted the horse convoy was nothing to do with them, but asked the Ukrainian authorities to consider the potential humanitarian benefits before refusing it. “Our thoughts are with the civilians that have seen their families and homes torn apart in the conflict,” he insisted. “It might not be obvious how much help a gigantic hollow grazing animal could be, but it’s the thought that counts, surely.”

“Provocation by a cynical aggressor is not permissible on our territory,” Ukrainian Interior Minister Arsen Avakov said in a statement today. “We expect nothing more than treachery from the Russian aggressor, and for that reason we are proposing to tow the horse right into the middle of our capital city and then leave it alone all night. That should show them.”

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