Tag Archives: Iain Duncan-Smith

Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app


Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith

MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.

Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.

“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.

“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith gave a short statement to reporters: “I’m fucked. But at least I’m not Katie Hopkins”

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Bogus Labour voters decide f*ck it, we’re staying


Tricky… Tricky choice…

After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.

“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”

Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.

In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.

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IDS assisted dying vote dilemma: “Which would cause the most pain?”


It’s a tough choice – which would hurt more?

“As a Catholic, I usually prefer people to suffer for as long as possible.” said Iain Duncan Smith today

“On the other hand, every scrounger who does the decent thing and offs himself… well it’s one less begging mouth for us normals to feed, isn’t it?”

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Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

At least this one's a smiler which is nice

At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.

Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.

“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading

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Government unveils new national uniform for public sector workers.


I didn’t like it at first, but it Gru on me.

Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.

The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading

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IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”

“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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Iain Duncan Smith to be the new voice of Mr Burns


“You’re asking for benefits? Smithers, release the hounds.”

Fears that actor Harry Shearer’s departure from The Simpsons could mean the end of the show have been dispelled following the casting of Iain Duncan Smith as Mr Burns.

“We’re just delighted that Iain’s agreed to come on board,” said Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. “We thought we’d never be able to find someone to convey Mr Burn’s sociopathy as convincingly as Harry did but this IDS guy is even better! We had him read a scene about using the poor for fuel, and sanctioning benefits claimants who use two slices of bread to make a sandwich when one will do, and he knocked it out of the park. The script was ridiculous however he made it sound chillingly real and at the end thanked us for the great ideas. That’s your quirky British humour, right?” Continue reading

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IDS joy: “five more years to kill”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Iain and Iain looked at the election results and saw that they were very good

Emerging from the cupboard he’s been locked in throughout the election campaign Iain Duncan Smith has declared himself anxious to return to his “great project”.
“During the last Parliament I declared that anyone could live on £7 a day,” he said. “I reckon I can get that down to at least two quid before I’m done.”

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Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

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Iain Duncan Smith adds ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to employment plans

Iain Duncan Smith has finally lost the plot this week and added a ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to his policy of giving away houses to people that stay in work for a year.

The clause will see anyone that remains in employment for one year get a house and full ownership the company that employed them.
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Iain Duncan Smith declares Dippy the Dinosaur fit for work


Beautiful hall, beautiful Dippy. Far too lovely for us to caption sarcastically.

Iain Duncan Smith has personally intervened in the case of Dippy the Dinosaur saying that she can’t retire after many years of being worth the visit on her own at the Natural History Museum.

“Being replaced by a blue whale is no excuse to go off and shirk in a cupboard,” said Duncan Smith. “I’ve seen the Flintstones and that famous documentary on working class life shows us that Dippy can easily find a job in a quarry both mining rocks and providing an easy means of exit for co-workers.” Continue reading

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Government fits beggars with contactless card tech and rebrands them ‘street entrepreneurs’


This chap looks very familiar. You think he’d be all right for cash after all that wizarding

Iain Duncan Smith is claiming to have spearheaded a jobs revival having had people who beg on Britain’s streets implanted with contactless card payment systems.

“There is no such thing as society,” said Duncan Smith. “Oops, sorry, wrong notes – there are no beggars, only street entrepreneurs. There are no rough sleepers, only hard-working self-starters who spend all their time in their ‘office’ pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and not being part of the something for nothing culture of benefits.” Continue reading

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Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’


I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

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Paralysed man walks again: Iain Duncan Smith hails breakthrough in anti-scrounger technology

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Iain and Iain are pleased

Iain Duncan Smith  has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading

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Cameron launches ‘whole-house subsidy’ for Young Conservatives

No, subsidies are for rich people. Don't you have any shares you can sell?

Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”

David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.

“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading

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“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail


All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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Nominated by Atos victims Duncan Smith refuses ice-bucket challenge


Being asked to point to a decent politician led to nothing but confusion

Iain Duncan Smith has become the first person in the public eye to refuse to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge.

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions had received thousands of nominations from the victims of Atos assessments and unfair benefit sanctions but has declined to take part.

The multi-millionaire was then asked how much he will donate the ALS Association as a forfeit however he made it clear that he wouldn’t be doing that either.

“Handouts are good for no one,” he said. “If people want a cure for ALS they should stop skiving and work for it.”

Duncan Smith said that he ultimately refused the challenge on health and safety grounds.

“I was told this challenge was about ice and water,” he said. “What those Atos shirkers had filled my bucket with was most definitely neither.”


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“The jobless spread ebola”: IDS uses speech to make bold claims

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?

In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading

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Iain Duncan Smith recovering after operation to remove final traces of compassion


Duncan Smith and his shadow. That’s our ‘is vampire’ theory blown.

Iain Smith is today recovering in hospital having had a major operation. The surgery to remove the final traces of his compassion is believed to be the first of its kind.

“Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to St Mary’s Hospital, Westminster last night after complaining of feeling unwell,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “It is believed he saw a picture of a rough sleeper that was used to illustrate a report on the rise in homelessness and instead of laughing as he normally would felt a brief twinge of concern.” Continue reading


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Gove reduces GCSEs to a single question: ‘Are your parents rich?’

Pupils sit a GCSE maths exam at the Harris Academy South Norwood in south east London

GCSEs are very important and the knowledge you gain essential in real life. Said no one ever.

Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects. Continue reading

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