Some rising damp
Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.
Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”
“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading
Filed under floods, Housing
He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.
As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.
“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading
RUINED: Incomers have created ‘mouth breather ghettos’
The City of Atlantis is struggling to cope with the sheer number of ‘climate change refugees’ pouring in from the West Country.
Once a quiet, moist metropolis with a bouyant economy, Atlantis now resembles ‘something from a Wurzels video’, according to one resident.
“They come down here with their rough cider, their red neckerchiefs and their lungs, and expect us to provide them with air”, claimed merlady Floella Kelp. “I wouldn’t mind, but some of them have brought accordians and leave sticky lumps of Stinking Bishop all over the place. I’m all for multi-culturalism but there has to be a limit.”
Flood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:
“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”
“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading
It’ll be just like this only everyone and everything will be terribly unhappy
There was surprise this morning as Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, slithered out from under his rock to announce that the BNP’s solution to the flooding crisis is to build an ark.
“The ark won’t be open to everyone,” Griffin said. “It’s a British ark or Bark as we like to call it. The only people allowed on board will be pure Brits with generations of British blood flowing through their veins and who exemplify the best this great nation has to offer just like Churchill, Brunel, Agatha Christie and our beloved royal family.” Continue reading
David Cameron off-duty: chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.
Seekers of the truth are today convinced that they are on to something with David Cameron’s behaviour as he visits areas hit by flooding being taken by many as proof that he is in fact a giant lizard.
“He just looks too comfortable in that environment,” said Harold resident Adam Cassidy. “I’ve been watching all the footage of him striding about in his Wellington boots and black fleece then discussing it with my friends on wakeupsheeple.com. Look how Cameron doesn’t listen to anyone and can’t convey convincing emotion when people are showing him their devastated homes. I bet he was itching to cast off his disguise and swim freely with the flood water playing over his scales.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house
Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”
Canal and River Trust took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with its rather old-fashioned values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading
Filed under Business, News
Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.
“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?
Amazing but true! Here is a round up of the latest flood news:
Hosepipe Ban Despite floods covering vast swathes of the West Country and now, the Thames Valley, it has emerged that a hosepipe ban is still in force in some areas. In confirming the news, a spokesperson for South West Water from the Isle of Taunton, said “We usually gauge the need for maintaining a ban by checking the reservoirs; however, the reservoirs have mysteriously disappeared so we have to remain cautious, otherwise everyone will be whingeing about a drought by Easter. We don’t know what happened to the reservoirs but we suspect looting.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Weather
A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?
While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading
Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.
Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.
“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading
‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS
Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”.
Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading
A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.
His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.
“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”
Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.
An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.
Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.
“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”
Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.
In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading
Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.
The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.
It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics