Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.
Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”
“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.”
“There will be a few naysayers who claim this is a ridiculous plan conceived by lunatics,” he admitted, “But what they’re missing is the British people’s ability to adapt.”
“Within a few generations, we envisage communities starting to develop basic gills and fins, and then they’ll never look back. Fish can’t look backwards, you see.”
“At first we might suffer some casualties – possibly as high as 100% in some cases, but it’s got to be worth a shout.”
“We’re proposing trials starting very soon in a few randomly-picked areas – Labour strongholds, places with large numbers of junior doctors, that sort of thing. Just don’t call it a sink estate.”
When asked to comment, Jeremy Corbyn said only: “You were lucky. We used to dream of living in t’lake.”